Liar Liar
by Minute-Maid511
Summary: Lelouch Lamperouge; lady-killer, lover, and liar. Conning single, rich women out of every penny they have is his past time. Pretending to be gay to woo the world's wealthiest man and swindle him out of every cent he has is his mission.
1. A ConArtist and His Muse

"Code Geass"

Liar, Liar

Synopsis:

Lelouch Lamperouge; lady-killer, lover, and liar. Conning single, rich women out of every penny they have is his past time. Pretending to be gay to woo the world's wealthiest man and swindle him out of every cent he has is his mission.

* * *

Chapter One: A Con-Artist and His Muse

"Mr Lamperouge? Mr Lamperouge?"

Lelouch jerked from his daze and shook his head. "Sorry, it seems I was staring. Your eyes really are a very vivid blue. Like the skies of my childhood."

Somewhere in the back, a mass of green shook from laughter.

Delicate eyebrows rose. "Like the skies of your childhood? How do those differ from the skies of your today?"

Poetic, this one. It was cute.

"Well, for one, I found you under this one."  
A blush of red dusted her cheeks. Picking up a glass of wine, she took a sip to relieve her obvious embarrassment.

"Tell me about your childhood," she asked politely, placing the cup down on the glass table. It clinked like the expensive crystal it was.

"I…" Lelouch's shoulders fell. Lifting a hand to his mouth, he closed his eyes. Here. The pause was the key. One Mississippi… two Mississippi… three Missi— "It hurts to talk about it. I had an abusive mother, and my father died four years after I was born by assassination. I'm the youngest of all my siblings."

The mass of green sitting three tables away shook again.

A delicate hand covered her rouged lips in shock. Blue eyes cast downwards in shame. "I'm sorry, I didn't…"

Lelouch smiled. "It's fine. I don't mind telling you, Emily."

Another shade of red dusted her cheeks. CC was right; she loved the tragic hero types. Suddenly, the mass of green sat rigid before getting up from her table and dragging a thumb across the air over her throat. If the frantic arm waving and expression of horror was any indication—something had happened.

Time to go.

Reaching across the table he held her hand. Taking a pregnant pause, he reached inside his coat for something else and took out a red, velvet ring box. Inside was a fake diamond ring meant to be given away like the hundreds of others sitting back home. In boxes. Emily gasped and a hand flew to her mouth.

"Lelouch…" she whispered.

"I know it's so sudden but… I love you, Emily—so, so, _so_ much. Please. You're the one, I know you are. I have an estate back in France—"

_"Lelouch."_

"—lots of servants. You'll never have to work at that factory again—"

_"Lelouch!"_ She sounded desperate. Good.

"—Please, I can't live without you, Emily! Just say yes, please!"

CC was waving her arms at him, pointing frantically to something outside the window with both hands urgently. She earned numerous glares.

_"Lelouch,"_ she stated emphatically. Tears welled up in her eyes. "I've lied to you. I'm sorry. I'm not a factory worker, I'm not poor. I'm… actually very rich."

Lelouch feigned shock. "You… but, Emily, I thought—"

_"Lies._ I didn't want you to love me for my money. So I hid my identity. But… you love me. And I… I really… love you."

"So, does this mean—"

_"Yes!_ Yes! I will marry you, Lelouch Lamperouge!"

Lelouch let out a sight of relief. "Thank heavens. Emily Carter you've made me the happiest man alive!"

CC had gone.

Getting up, Lelouch walked round after placing a few bills on the table to pay for the expensive meal. He had to wince at the waste of wine—it was expensive too. Taking her offered hand, he gently urged her to her feet. The golden dress he bought for her shone in the candlelight.

That dress was expensive.

"Let's go for a walk, shall we? This restaurant atmosphere is too small to contain my love for you. I want the world to know just how wonderful my Emily is! And how happy she's made me!"

Emily smiled, tears still trailing down her powdered cheeks. Holding her hand firmly, he led her out of the restaurant. He was almost at the door when—

Kallen.

Uh oh.

Blue eyes widened in shock before narrowing in some ugly expression which could only really ever be defined as anger.

"Kallen! How good to—"

Lelouch's head swung right and the acute sensation of sharp pain blossomed on his face. It was as painful as the last time.

"Lamperouge, you bastard!"

Heads everywhere swivelled in their direction. Waiters and waitresses stopped what they were doing at once. Yeah, it had turned into _that_ kind of a scene.

Emily's head turned to him sharply. "Darling, who's _this?_" she said indulgently.

Oooh. He didn't like that tone. Didn't like that tone _at all._

"A… she's a former acq—"

"—wife," Kallen spat. "He's a crook, girl, you're better off without him."

CC was right to worry.

Time to _really_ go.

CC, disguised as a waitress, pushed a cart with an elaborate pyramid of crystal glasses filled with red wine his way. It rattled and started gaining momentum.

"Well, well, look at the time. Kallen, nice seeing you again. Emily, I'm sorry things didn't turn out. You can keep the ring."

Kallen took a step forward, winding her hand back and—

"Lelouch Lamperouge, you—"

"Look out!" Emily shrieked.

—swivelled her head to the left and shrieked as the cart attempted to run her over. Emily frantically looked back and forth from Lelouch's ex-wife, Kallen and her new fian—

"Lelouch?"

* * *

Let it never be said that Lelouch was a fit man.

The stone floor really was too soothing to ignore. So cold. So comforting. So dirty. Running the three blocks non-stop away from the restaurant took just about everything out of him, leaving a thin film of sweat on his brow. Ugh. Physical exertion.

Surely, he thought, surely _this_ will be how I die one day.

Lelouch could count on one hand the three times he had to run so hard. The first time he spent chasing Nunally's cat all over the house for something it had stolen—for which _Angel_ nearly gouged his eyes out for.

Lelouch hated cats with a definite and burning passion.

The other two times involved his older brother, Schneizel, and a variety of pies and peanut butter.

Don't ask.

"You're such a _girl._ Can't even run a block into the nearest—"

_"Shut up,"_ Lelouch growled from his position on the ground.

Quite honestly, right now he looked like someone had beaten the living daylights out of him. If things had continued on the dangerous path it had started for, she had no doubt Lelouch would've had the _tar_ whipped out of him.

CC sighed and plopped down on the ground beside his prone form. "Emily Carter is officially blacklisted."

"What about that nutcase that wants to kill me?"

Spreading her legs out in front of her, she swayed them left and right, occasionally clicking her shoes together. "That's just Kallen's way of saying 'I love you,' " she stated cheerfully.

Lelouch struggled to a sitting position beside her, leaning against the wall. "I'd hate to see how she says 'I hate you.' Who's next?"

CC blinked. Then frowned. "Really?"

This time _he_ frowned. "Really what?"

"You _really_ want to discuss this sitting in an alley? A block away from a murderous ex-wife? What if she sniffs out your _fear_ and—"

"Point made. Let's get back to the house."

Lelouch rose to his feet and offered CC a hand. She took it and he pulled her up. Dusting his pants off, he walked out of the alleyway with CC beside him. A pair of girls walked by and looked him over. Lelouch smiled, winked at them, and they blushed, giggled, and continued walking.

Despite his scruffy appearance, he still had it.

CC laughed. "Such a lady-killer."

"Merely using the to-die-for good looks God blessed me with."

"Right, of course. I have to ask though… _skies of your childhood?_ _Assassination?_ Really?"

Lelouch smirked. "Hey, don't judge."

CC giggled, clutching her side.

* * *

"Th-That'll be seventeen-twenty-five, Miss."

CC inspected the steaming box, lifting the lid a bit. It smelled… cheesy. Just the way she liked it. Breaking off her revelry in the warm scent of melted cheddar, mozzarella and all the fixings, CC turned back to the delivery boy. He was beet red. Poor kid.

CC was wearing only her white panties and shirt that was three sizes too large so she could show off her ample bust to unwary pizza delivery boys. It was her hot gimmick to getting pizza free. Just watch.

"Hold on. Let me get some cash for you."

Lelouch watched her place the three boxes—wait, she said she was only getting two!—of foodstuff on the kitchen counter before returning to the door—cashless.

The pizza boy was red in the face, staring at obvious places. So the kid was a pervert. Well, CC was to blame for that. Lelouch never stared. He was too good for that. Besides, he stopped thinking of CC as a woman, and more of a pizza compactor, after watching her devour ten boxes in a single sitting.

Sometimes, at night, he had nightmares of being a pizza and being hunted down by her.

"You know… it seems that I've lost my wallet."

That poor, poor kid. If he had any guts this would've turned out differently.

"You think it might be in here?" she asked innocently, lifting the shirt higher—above her navel.

White.

With lace and little bows on each side.

The kid swallowed.

CC dropped the shirt. It had been bought expressly for this. It wasn't Lelouch's. Something so huge wouldn't have fit Lelouch. Lifting her hand, she folded her arms under her ample bust, carefully propping them up a bit. If you looked closely, which he was, you'd see that she wasn't wearing a bra.

"Where could it be?"

"A pocket… in your shirt maybe?"

Oh how bold.

CC paused in thought. "Could be. Let me check."

One button.

Two buttons.

Three—

"Actually. Let me ask my husband." CC spun around suddenly. "Darling, have you seen my wallet?" she asked innocently. "I don't think—Oh, he's gone."

The door closed without further fuss. The deadbolt clicked and CC was dressed in something else only slightly more appropriate with a steaming pizza box sitting in her lap. Less than a minute had passed. When the TV clicked on, Lelouch merely frowned at the audio interruption, and continued to pore over a list of potential victi—er—soul mates.

__"—five million dollar donation to charity today. The young CEO of the world's largest Sakuradite supplier, Suzaku Kururugi, has been faithfully continuing his father's business years after his death. Statistics say that Kururugi is possibly the richest person on the planet right now—"_

"He's _what?"_

Well _that_ certainly caught his attention.

God bless selective hearing.

_"—with skyrocketing assets continuing to climb higher. Here he is now, with a few words to commemorate this generous donation."_

A boy in a suit roughly Lelouch's age came onscreen in front of a glass podium. A genial smile lit up his face and he had kind features. Green eyes; dull brown hair.

"This kid…" CC muttered, chewing thoughtfully on her pizza.

_"I'd firstly like to thank my parents for everything they've been able to supply me with, even after their deaths. It's only my dearest hope that—"_

"…I'm fairly certain…"

_"—ers experience happiness. So I'm really hoping this donation will be of great help to supply the necessary funds needed to keep this hospital up and running so that it may continue to service children in need."_

_"Mr Kururugi, you're such a generous person—and so young too. Do you have any future plans for the Sakura group you lead?"_

_"Always. I only have my company's best—"_

"…but I could be wrong…"

_"—now we're expanding into Brita—"_

"CC, shut up! I'm trying to listen!"

_"—a stronger sense of unity between Japan and our global neighbours."_

The reporter smiled. _"Very noble indeed. For all the ladies out there, we know you're single. Any—"_

"He's single!" Lelouch yelped.

_"—for marriage?"_

CC snorted. "He's also—"

"CC, shut up! This could be the biggest thing to happen to me since Nonette! You could do it this time! We'd be rich!"

Growling in frustration, CC folded her arms obstinately. Turning to him, she fixed him with those eerie golden eyes of hers that haunted his pizza dreams at night. They were predatory and he had to remind himself he was _not_ pizza right now.

"If you'd just listen to me for a second, you'd know that he's—"

_"—actually gay."_

The reporter's eyebrows rose into the air at the nonchalant admittance. _"That certainly is a disappointment then. Any special someone's then?"_

Kururugi smiled wistfully. _"Afraid not. I'm still looking for that special someone."_

CC shook him lightly. "Lelouch?"

Statistics say that Kururugi is possibly the richest person on the planet right now.

He was also single and looking.

"Lelouch?"

He was rich.

He was single.

"Lelouch!"

He was _rich_.

He was _single_.

He was—

"He's gay!"

Lelouch rose from his seat on the couch with fervour. Determined violet eyes locked onto digital green ones smiling into the camera as lights flashed all over him with reporters clamouring for pictures.

"I'll do it."

* * *

Comments:

*hack* *cough* Okay, I really couldn't resist. I got hit with the idea stick and just ran with it. As Lelouch said earlier: "Hey, don't judge."

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.


	2. All You Need is Love

Pre-Comment: So, I've heard all your demands for more of this idiocy and so here I am to give you what you want.

Warning: (I guess I should, I might get burning garbage thrown at me if I don't.) Many, many, many gay jokes. (Okay, not that many--not as many as the next chapter.) If you get offended by that sort of humour, well... don't say I didn't warn you.

* * *

Chapter Two: All You Need is Love

To Lelouch Lamperouge, love equalled money.

And if a little of it was good, then a lot was _infinitely_ better.

After hearing about the world's richest man on television, Lelouch booked the next available flight to Japan for him and CC first thing in the morning. A week later, he stepped off the plane, dragging a groggy accomplice and stared at the sun rising in the early stir of the morning. Taking a deep breath, he smiled.

Japan was a blessed country.

His Shangri-La.

His land of great fortune.

His boon of—

CC leaned on his frame sleepily and glared murderously at the glowing orange sun on the horizon. Jet lag affected her horribly, and he often suffered (if he wasn't careful) because of that too, but this time he was too excited to be here—where his one true love was.

"I _can't_ believe we left Britannia for _this_."

"Don't be like that," he admonished. "The love of my life is here."

CC groaned. "Don't you think he's going to figure out you're _straight_? Fags know these things. They have this radar… that detects other fags.... That's how they find each other."

Lelouch merely grinned, full force. "I'll just have to give off faggish vibes then."

CC eyed him. "Do you even know _how?_"

Lelouch scoffed. "Does it matter? I'll figure it out. Seducing a gay man shouldn't be any different than seducing a woman. Come on, let's get settled at our hotel and find us a flat today. I can pay _cash_."

Lelouch started off ahead without her, walking straight to the terminal. CC sighed. A familiar red hat caught her eye and she turned to see a Pizza Hut being manned by Japanese people. Another long sigh. There was no way it would be the same. Britannia had it down to an _art form._

"I will _die_ in this country," she declared bitterly, trudging off after Lelouch.

* * *

"Do you speak English? Okay, how about this: parlez-vous Français? Wait, that doesn't help, that's all I know in French. CC!"

CC was in the kitchen, admiring the large oven. It was of an industrial size and could cook at least _four_ twelve inch's at once—probably more. She felt giddy. The exterior was stainless steel and it matched the fridge. Fixtures indicating a gas stove spanned over it. The counter-tops were marble and—

_"CC!"_

—the cupboards were a matching black. Just how Lelouch manage to secure an actual _house_ as opposed to the typical apartment was beyond her. Nonette, Kallen, and a trail of tears, empty bank accounts, murderous women, and endless running guaranteed them both a more or less comfortable lifestyle for a long time to come.

CC was content with how things were.

Lelouch was just greedy.

Her hands ran over the smooth black wood—real wood—cupboards, and opened them. Of course they were empty. CC just had to check and make sure he didn't actually go and bribe or con a family into leaving their house in the middle of the night. Lelouch was the kind of person who would do—

_"CC!!"_

CC grumbled and left the kitchen of her dreams to sit down on the couch next to Lelouch, pointedly ignoring the sour look on his face.

Such a _child._

How she ever got stuck with him in the first place would forever remain to be a mystery to her. Lelouch was petulant, vain, greedy and weak enough to lose an arm wrestling match with a kitten.

But he was also extremely good looking.

That was always a plus.

And it made her forget about a lot of things.

Like just how stupid he was to hop a plane for Japan in attempts to dupe a gay man out of his money.

The woman sitting across the table from them in the other plush leather couch gave a placating smile. Now that CC was here, Lelouch took to staring out the bay window at the street, bewildered. It looked different. He should've been expecting that. Such a spoiled, brattish little—

_"Your husband seems very concerned about something,"_ the realtor said in perfectly native Japanese. _"Is everything alright?"_

Stupid Lelouch. What if that rich kid couldn't speak English? Did he ever think of _that_? Aside from that he was _gay._

G.

A.

Y.

She was pretty sure Lelouch was more or less homophobic in some way or another. It would explain why he subconsciously kept a self-imposed restraining order whenever Mao dropped by unannounced to visit CC.

CC never told him Mao wasn't actually gay since lying to him about it on April Fool's.

Last year.

CC snorted. _"This brat's not my husband. And he'll be fine, thanks for asking. However much this house is we'll take it. Cash, up front. How long will it take?"_

"CC."

CC turned to him. He was _really_ pushing it. First he dragged her out of Britannia, and now he was ordering her around. He has it coming; she would make sure it happened.

_"What?"_ she snapped.

Lelouch frowned.

When Lelouch didn't say anything for a while, she forgot her irritation—like she always did—and gave in to the twinge of conscience-driven concern. _Damn_ that conscience of hers.

"Lelouch?"

"I've just realized something…" he said quietly. A hint of sadness flecked his tone.

Oh this would be _good_.

"What?" she asked softly.

A small voice in the back of her mind told her to commit this moment to memory.

After all, maybe he had actually realized just how _irrational_ and utterly _retarded_ this idea really was.

"I have no idea how to tell a rich woman from a poor one. They all look _the same._ Identical! I could starve!"

Calm down, CC, he's just an idiot. A pretty-faced idiot with a love of money that rivals his hatred for cats.

With a shocking amount of restraint, CC turned back to the realtor slowly. Yeah, this moron would get his later.

_"How long will it take?"_ she repeated to the realtor.

_"Not long—since you're paying in cash. I just need your signatures and I can have everything set up in a week."_

CC sighed. Maybe she would take the time to teach this moron some Japanese.

_"That's perfect, thank you."_

The realtor bowed low and smiled graciously. _"No, thank you."_

With a last, longing look at the kitchen—and its industrial size oven—CC dragged Lelouch downtown. If they were going to live here until Lelouch suffered enough homosexual trauma to initialize an allergic reaction to everything queer, she would need to acquaint him with some commonplace Japanese culture so he could get along without her.

If for no other reason than to tell the cops that she wasn't responsible for him.

Or better yet, claim not to know him.

"Alright, Lelouch, it's time for your crash course on everything Japanese. I haven't been here since I was twelve, but I'm sure it hasn't changed that much in ten years. First of all, do you have any questions?"

Silence surrounded her and CC had the distinct impression she was just now talking to air. Turning, she darted her head around.

"Lelouch?"

Well damn.

Lost him already.

* * *

"I don't think I've ever seen eyes so green. They remind me of the forests my dad would take me to when we would go out camping in my childhood. It's refreshing."

The girl fidgeted nervously, blushing. Really, she couldn't make it _any_ easier for him.

"Do… do you really think so? They're not… I mean, they don't look very good with my hair, right?"

Lelouch regarded her orange hair and green eyes. The bright yellow dress she wore in combination with her orange hair gave him a really bad hankering for some sort of citrus fruit.

And, no, they didn't look good.

Frowning at her, he shook his head. "What are you saying? Have more confidence in yourself. You're charming and you're cute. And I completely don't mind that you ruined a very good shirt of mine."

Turning bright red, she fidgeted again, looking down at her hands in her lap. "I… I'm really, _really_ sorry about that!"

Lelouch laughed. "It's fine! It's fine! If I had to get my shirt ruined by someone I'd definitely pick you."

Before this track continues, let's go back to fifteen minutes ago.

"You don't just suddenly _become_ gay, Lelouch."

Lelouch scoffed, waving the matter off as irrelevant. "Love conquers all boundaries."

"It's just too bad your _love_ is owned by someone else." CC paused and then added, "Who is gay."

He frowned. "I think you're just homophobic. Jealous that I found someone to share the rest of my life with?"

CC snorted with laughter. "It's cute how you've brainwashed yourself into thinking you're _in love_ with a _queer_."

"It's the best mindset for getting that queer's money."

A roll of golden eyes ended the topic of conversation. CC had commented with something else when something bright, long and orange caught his eye. Pretty face and green eyes. Yellow dress, yellow shoes and a clashing bright red purse. The unmistakable logo of a ridiculously expensive brand acted as a latch on her purse.

Even if it was ugly, it was expensive, which meant she was worth some money.

Or at least lunch.

He was here in this country for his soul mate after all.

A nearby girl was texting something on her phone, carrying a chocolate ice cream cone. Glancing down at his white shirt, Lelouch put two and two together.

Walking up to her, he placed a hand around the cone. The girl looked up and her eyes widened—phone forgotten. Slowly, Lelouch leaned in and took a lick of her ice cream cone, easing it out of her hands. Taking a step back, he took another slow lick.

The trademark blush spread across her face.

With a wink and smile, Lelouch walked away from her until he was out of sight. If he were any less of a pretty man, he probably would've felt bad for doing something like this.

And probably would've gotten a slap in the face for harassing a lone female.

Possibly jail time.

Now to find that redhead.

Thankfully he didn't have to look far. The girl was walking along the street a block away, absent-mindedly checking her phone. This would be cake and he'd have lunch—possibly _with_ cake—in no time at all.

Hopefully she didn't have a secretly abrasive—or abusive—personality like Kallen's.

Lelouch suppressed a shudder. He didn't think he could go through with _that_ again.

Catching up to her, he planned to intercept her. If his judgement was right she would be turning this corner right about—

"Ack!"

A gasp.

The phone clattered on the ground.

Green eyes flew up to meet his and then back down to the large brown, sticky, dripping mess on his shirt. The ice cream would've dropped on the ground, normally, but Lelouch had to be creative.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!"

"Ah… my shirt…"

"I'm so sorry!" She started bowing profusely.

Lelouch held a hand up, looking mildly pissed. "It's… it's fine…"

"I'm so sorry! Ah… here let me make it up to you somehow…"

Lelouch smiled.

Now that you're all caught up, let's go back to the current situation.

"I still feel really bad about it. The… it wasn't terribly expensive was it?"

Lelouch gave her a slight smile. "It was a gift from someone important. It can be washed, don't worry so much. Buying lunch and dessert is more than enough."

A look of dread crossed her face. "Oh no. It wasn't from your girlfriend or anything was it? I'm really—"

"Stop apologizing already! I said its fine. I think my non-existent girlfriend won't mind. It was actually a gift from my deceased mother. She was a high-ranking politician and got assassinated a few years ago on my eighteenth birthday."

A blush dusted her face. "Oh… I… I'm so—I mean… ah…"

Lelouch laughed. "You're really cute when you're nervous and flustered like that. Look, I feel bad for being so angry about it." Lelouch started to reach for his wallet. "Let me pay for lunch—"

"No! At least let me do this much. I ruined your shirt after all."

Lelouch stood up. "No, I treated a lady horribly I should—"

"No!" Shirley was up on her feet as well, a hand over the one reaching for his wallet. "I insist."

Lelouch blinked, and then smiled.

That was one goal for the day done.

"Alright then. Thank you, Shirley."

A blush.

"N-No problem. I mean, I'm so—"

A squeak left her as Lelouch planted his lips firmly on hers in a kiss. It worked wonders on Kallen—who had the tendency to go on a tirade every now and then which made predicting her PMS a problem. It effectively shut her up _and_ made her forget why she was so angry at him in the first place.

When they split apart, Lelouch simply stared into her green eyes, smiling. Shirley stared back.

Lost in my amazingly good looks, he thought.

And if Lelouch Lamperouge wasn't so good-looking he just might be a jerk.

"I said no more apologizing," he whispered, close to her tomato-red face.

Shirley squeaked and ran off to the counter to pay for their bill.

Lelouch sighed.

Although he had jumped a plane and come to an unknown country on a whim to seduce a gay man out of millions, he had no idea just how he was supposed to get the chance to meet him. For that matter, Lelouch practically forgot what he looked like. All he remembered was that he was rich and had green eyes.

Lelouch had a dream last night of him, and he looked just like a golden dollar sign with green eyes.

He was pretty sure that wasn't what he looked like.

But he was almost positive he really would fall in love if Suzaku actually did look like that—regardless of gender.

CC had changed the channel after calling him an idiot before he could commit the kids' face to memory.

Actually, now that he thought about it, this was more of a problem than he thought.

Maybe CC was on to something with all that complaining she was doing pre-flight, mid-flight, and post-flight.

"Lelouch?"

Zeroing in back to reality, Lelouch turned to Shirley and smiled. "Thanks for lunch, Shirley."

She blushed.

A thought struck him. Why not just ask? Over half the country was running on the stuff. It would be nuts for someone to _not_ know.

"Say, Shirley, I don't suppose you know anything about—" Lelouch fished around in his memory for the name of the company "—er—the Sakuradite company here, do you?"

Shirley blinked. "I know enough. My father works directly with the CEO of the big one."

Luck like this could only happen in made up stories, Lelouch, you lucky guy.

"Oh really? That must be interesting."

"Yeah. He's always home late from work. Why?"

Lelouch shrugged, eyeing the exit of the restaurant. "No reason. Say, you wouldn't mind showing me around town would you? I'm actually pretty new here. Just moved from Britannia."

Her face brightened and then fell. "I would… but I have a cocktail party my father wants me to go to. It's a business mixer of sorts. A lot of company executives go there and make business deals with each other."

This time his face fell. "Oh. Ah… hey… you don't… have a boyfriend do you?"

Another squeak. Her eyes widened and she blushed.

Lelouch smiled, going in for the kill.

"…because I'd really like to go out with you again sometime." He winked. "My treat."

"I'd like that very much!" she blurted out—blushing like mad.

Lelouch laughed. "Okay, let's swap numbers."

"S-Sure!"

Shirley jumped and turned to fish around in her ugly red purse. The golden designer label sparkled with real diamonds.

Lelouch had given enough fake ones away to know the real thing when he saw it. He estimated they were approximately worth five-hundred each.

When her phone was in view, he stole it out of her hands despite her protest and quickly copied her number into his phone and vice versa. Handing it back to her, he smiled again—well aware of the blush tinting her cheeks.

Leaning over, he gave her another kiss on the cheek. Shirley jumped back, flushing darker.

The wink.

The smile.

And the—

"I'll call you."

Before she could say anything to keep him back, Lelouch left.

Surprisingly enough, he saw a pissed-off looking CC scouring the crowds with angry, golden eyes. Normally, Lelouch would've run and hid somewhere and return with a peace offering of some sort. (Mainly of the circular variety that came with copious amounts of cheese.) Too bad for him this was an abnormal situation in foreign territory whose inhabitants either didn't understand English or were terrible at speaking it.

Making his way over, he waved at her when he caught her eye. CC walked towards him, frowning.

"Just how on _earth_ are you still alive after running off on me?" CC's eyes flitted down to the brown spot on his white shirt and back up. "What's with the mud stain?"

"I ran into a girl."

CC paused. "Right. That answers all my questions. I swear; if you weren't so pretty you'd be dead by now."

Lelouch laughed. "If I weren't so pretty I'd get plastic surgery. So, what wisdom have you for me?"

CC sighed. "Your potential boyfriend is attending a cocktail party tonight."

"Yeah, I know. I think I found a way in."

Her eyebrows rose. "How the he—? Just how did you _know_ this already?"

Lelouch nodded his head in the direction of the café. "I ran into a girl."

"Right. Of course."

"Hey, it works."

A roll of the eyes. "Anyway, indulge me. How are you getting in?"

"Gonna be that girl's date. Bump into the queer and seduce him with my stunning good looks."

"And the rest?" CC folded her arms expectantly.

Lelouch blinked. "What rest? I seduce him with my stunning good looks," he repeated. "End of story."

CC shook her head in her palm, sighing. "You need more of a plan than that, Romeo. This con is going to take days, months, weeks, and could even be _years_ before he hands you a _dime_ or bank statement."

"Pffbt." Lelouch folded his arms, looking away from her. "Love will find me a way to make it happen sooner. This is in the bag, CC. You worry too much. All I need is love."

With that, Lelouch walked off.

Mind you, in the wrong direction.

CC glared at his back.

"And a half a brain."

* * *

The golden dress she wore reminded him of Emily. That led his mind to wander at how he had _lost_ Emily. And her money, GIC's, investments and assets. Then he started thinking about how it was all _Kallen's_ fault. So when he thought about Kallen's vicious, angry blue—

Let's get off the thought train, destination: places scary.

Lelouch shivered off the feeling of his blood curdling just slightly.

"So, Shirley, what exactly does your father do for the Sakura Company?"

"He, um, does something. I think maybe he works with the finances or something. The president cuts the deals and he works out the details."

"I see. That seems very demanding."

Lelouch glanced around, feeling every bit the fish out of water. All around him were black suits from all nationalities. Silver name tags and the logo of the respective companies were pinned to their chests. He had assumed that anyone worth knowing in this setting was important enough to have a nametag. The ones who didn't have one—like him—were probably nobodies.

Although he was scouring the crowds for Suzaku Kururugi, the realization that all he remembered about the kid was his green eyes was starting to sink in. What if he was older than he thought? It could be that he only _looked_ young on TV. Plastic surgery was common wasn't it? If his nose was falling off because he had so many—

"Lelouch, um, thanks for coming with me."

"Don't mention it," he returned, smiling. "Thanks for inviting me. I've always wanted to soak up this kind of atmosphere. My parents never really ran with a crowd like this to take me along."

Shirley blinked. "Your mother was a politician, though, wasn't she?"

Er.

"She never let me come though. Doesn't it feel awkward being here?"

Shaking her head, she smiled, turning to look at her father—who had brutally interrogated him to his wit's end before deeming him 'little more than maggot satisfactory' enough to date his daughter. The familiar feeling of getting out of that conversation by the skin of his teeth still rattled on the edges of his nerves.

Thank God for '101 Ways to Prove Yourself to Your Girlfriend's Father'

Shirley shook her head. "Not really. Everyone here who knows my father pretty much knows who I am. I've been going to these things with him since I was little."

"I see. Are you thirsty? Let me grab you something to drink."

Before she could argue otherwise, Lelouch took off into the sea of black suits and neckties. Other than Shirley's mom, there were few other women in the crowd—and they were either married or old.

For as much of a money whore as he was, Lelouch didn't fancy being leered at by sixty-something grannies for a living on a daily basis.

For a brief moment before the party, Lelouch felt apprehensive about not being able to take CC along. The few things she told him to get ready for tonight were swallowed up in daydreaming about the new Ferrari or BMW he would be driving through the capital in Britannia soon enough.

Finding the punch bowl by the smorgasbord of food fairly quickly, Lelouch poured two drinks. Glancing at the food enviously, he told himself that once this job was over he'd have enough to feed CC's pepperoni-covered addiction as well as his own for the finer things in life.

Back in Britannia.

Where people spoke English.

Over in a corner of the room, Lelouch spotted a tall young man with blonde hair with his back turned to him, talking to someone. The white suit stuck out like a sore thumb in the dull mill of middle-aged men who could substitute for a funeral procession.

Could be Suzaku.

No, not just _could_. It probably _was_ Suzaku. Only a fag would wear a white business suit to a meeting _like this._ If you were important or stupid enough you could get away with anything.

Like wearing stripes with plaid.

But first, he had to drop off the extra drink for Shirley. Lelouch kept his eyes on Suzaku, walking away slowly before snapping his head in the direction he was going to avoid bum—

"Ack! My suit!"

Whoops. Too late.

The punch splattered on his suit (this time not on purpose) and Lelouch mourned the cost of dry-cleaning later.

"Oh jeeze, I'm sorry!"

Black suit, no nametag. Probably not Suzaku then.

Lelouch looked down at his dripping suit, back over to Suzaku standing in the corner—now laughing with the men around him—and caught the keen gaze of Shirley's father leering at him like a piece of meat ready to be torn apart. Or fed to lions.

101 Ways to Prove Yourself to Your Girlfriend's Father Rule Number One: Never lose your temper in front of your girlfriend's father no matter what happens.

"I… it's… it's fine. Just really expensive is all."

"Damn. I'm really sorry. I wasn't really watching where I was going… but I guess you weren't either, right?" He smiled.

Lelouch resisted the urge to glare at him.

And maybe punch him in the face.

This idiot had just spilt a drink on him and was now making jokes about it.

Laughing, he shrugged. "I guess not. This means I should apologize too, right? Sorry."

Drink Spiller shook his head. "No, no. You're the one that got your suit ruined. Here, what group are you with? I can work out a deal to make up for it."

Lelouch grimaced inside. The longer he spent talking to this idiot the more time Suzaku had to get away. Not only that but he had to get a replacement drink for Shirley and somehow find a change of clothing.

"Oh, I'm not with a group. I'm just here to keep my, er, cousin company."

Drink Spiller looked around, as if he would know her by such a vague description. "Who's your cousin?"

Lelouch nodded over in her direction. It was easy to spot her in her golden dress. Minus ugly red purse.

"Shirley Fenette."

He blinked for a moment before turning back. "Ah, I see. Yeah, I know Shirley."

"Yeah. I'm kind of glad she brought me. I'm a little interested in meeting Suzaku Kururugi," Lelouch said absentmindedly, eyes drifting back to Suzaku in the corner. "I've heard that he's gay. Maybe he'll fall for my charming good looks in the process."

CC's Pointer for Meeting Kururugi Number One: Talk to as many people as you can about him and hope you get introduced without looking like a loon. Or a stalker.

He laughed. "I see. So, anyway, how can I make this up to you?"

If it were a woman, he'd normally ask for dinner as compensation, then gauge whether she were worth the time and effort for a job. As long as she wasn't married or attached it was fine.

_He_ was a boy.

This was a first.

"I… uh… you could pay for—"

"How about dinner?"

_What?_

His mind panicked. The shock stayed his tongue, but not his head. The glare of older green eyes from afar gave him wisdom—like every other boy when under the scrutiny of a girl's father—to not overreact.

"…dry-clea… what?"

Drink Spiller laughed and shook his head. "Sorry, sorry. I guess I should introduce myself then, since you're so interested in meeting me. Suzaku Kururugi, at your service."

Suzaku held his hand out in a friendly handshake.

Lelouch stared at his hand like it was the plague and then back up to his face.

Green eyes, dull brown hair.

Something in Lelouch's memory clicked.

Good Lord, it _was_ Suzaku!

It was all coming back to him now.

"…you're not wearing a pin… thing."

"Name plate. Yeah, I don't like wearing those things. Besides I like talking to people who don't know I am before making deals with them. People are more honest when talking about them if they know it's someone unaffiliated to that person."

"Oh God," Lelouch swore, "You _are_ Suzaku." He racked his brain for something witty and charming to say while at the same time looking embarrassed.

In his defence, you'd be embarrassed too if you had just expressed homophile intentions towards the unwitting target of your twisted affections. For his money.

Lelouch had miscounted the other sort of people who didn't wear them—the nametags. First the nobodies, and then the really, _really_ important ones.

Suzaku laughed. "So… dinner? Seven o'clock, this Saturday? I seem to have fallen for your _charming good looks_. Plus I have a ruined suit to make up for."

Lelouch blinked.

And then his brain clicked into gear.

Laughing lightly, he offered his best smile. "Sure. I never thought I'd meet you this way. It's a little… awkward. To be honest."

"No kidding."

"Anyway, I need to get back to Shirley. I told her I'd grab her a drink about five minutes ago. I don't want her thinking I've run off on her."

Suzaku nodded before his head popped a bit. "Oh, your number. At least give me that so I can call to confirm with you."

Oh, right.

Lelouch fished around his coat pocket and pulled out his phone. Flipping it open he found it snatched out of his hands.

He was speechless.

This was also a first.

Suzaku seemed to extract his number well enough and handed it back, smiling. With a wink and—

"I'll call you."

He walked away.

Lelouch blinked.

A profound sense of déjà vu came over him.

* * *

Suzaku felt giddy in a way he'd never felt before.

Not only would this pass time, but it would be a convenient way to reinforce his relationship status with the public eye. Plus it would be entertaining to boot.

Slipping through the crowds, he looked around for Li Xingke, vice of the Shen Hu Group. There were a few remaining details he needed to discuss before shipping the deal off to his international affairs sector. If this deal went through, negotiations with China would go much more smoothly.

An arm was thrown around his neck haphazardly and Suzaku struggled for a moment, feeling the breath choked out of him.

When he was released, he swivelled around and glared at Gino Weinberg. Gino was here representing Schneizel el Britannia—who never ever came (even if the mixer was in Britannia (that lazy man))—of the Britannia Group. Being similar ages, they had become fast friends.

"Who's the kid?" Gino nodded over at the boy—who was currently flattering the mother of his cousin-date by her expression.

"My date for this Saturday. Potential boyfriend. He's straight."

Gino blinked in confusion. Then he frowned, eyeing Suzaku. "Aren't _you_ straight? I thought 'being gay' was just a lie to get the fan-girls off you."

"Yeah." Suzaku grinned. "But _he_ doesn't know that."

Gino sighed, shaking his head in dismay, regarding the boy again, now talking to his date-cousin. "That poor kid."

* * *

Comments:

This story is a labour of love. Or insanity. Or stupidity. I'm willing to bet money on the last two.

Please R&R. -- It keeps me happy.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.


	3. L2B Queer 101

HAPPY EASTER~!

Pre-Comment: Gosh, you guys are so demanding. Never happy. Do this, do that, do some more of this. Magic me up an update. Well, here it is, complete with pixie dust and leprechauns for you (No, not really). Follow the yellow brick road and turn left at Albuquerque for the next one.

* * *

Chapter Three: L2B Queer 101

"Sorry, Miss, I was just a little entranced by your beautiful eyes. I've never seen eyes so—Ah! Ah! My—-Ow!—CC! Stop that!"

Lelouch cried in agony, getting dragged away by the ear towards the three-way mirror. A frown and look of irritation was etched across her face in the look that clearly distinguished it as a 'No Play' zone.

"Stop flirting and pick something out," she said loudly, then added closer to his ear, "You're effectively taken now, remember?"

Lelouch groaned. Glancing back at the giggling store girl, he smiled and winked at her before turning back to the mirror and CC, grimacing.

"I could get a discount on all this if you'd just let me—"

"No flirting, Nancy."

Something deep inside Lelouch broke.

Just a little.

"Don't call me that."

CC rounded on him, grinning as she tugged his collar a bit, adjusting it.

"Oh? Is our _Princess_ a little _embarrassed_?"

Lelouch slapped her hands away from his collar and arranged it himself. Casual, black, fitting, and something to go overtop. It showed him off and was worth more money than he wanted to shell out to go on a date with a boy.

"Shut up. Like I said, love conquers _all_ boundaries—even this one."

CC giggled in amusement. "Sure. Sure. Just make sure to mention the _skies of your childhood,_ and how one of your parents was _shot_ by _assassination_. Oh, and don't forget to compliment his eyes. He'll like _that_."

Lelouch rolled his eyes.

CC's dry humour was worse than usual today.

"This is in the bag, CC," he assured her confidently, flipping out his collar and now inspecting his cuffs. "My attack plan is perfect. I've had enough of your teasing. Tease all you want when I'm swimming in my football field size pool and you're magicking pizza into nothing."

CC laughed, slipping a hand into his pocket, pulling his wallet out. "Whatever you say, Nancy," she returned airily, heading up to the counter—now making small talk with the male cashier.

Lelouch snorted, ignoring her.

It was just CC.

What did she know?

Lelouch had girls swooning left and right.

Suzaku wouldn't know what hit him.

After putting the moves on that queer he'll be putty in his hands.

It would be the greatest achievement of his lifetime. He could see it now: Lelouch Lamperouge, successful owner of all the money in the world before turning twenty-two after swindling the world's richest gay man.

It was the stuff legends were made of.

He'd be a conning legend everywhere.

But that would involve media attention which almost always involved the police, getting arrested, and jail time.

So maybe that wasn't such a good thing.

"Come on, Nancy, I need you dressed down properly before your date tonight," CC said loudly, dragging him out of the store. "You should be thanking me. I got this stuff for free. Pooh on your _discount._"

"What? But how, I—"

CC wrapped her arms around his waist, purring into his ear, pressing up against his back. " 'Doesn't he look _so_ _hot_ in that _tight_ black shirt? He _wants_ it _so_ much. It's a _crime_ not to just let him _have_ it, don't you think? And those _jeans._ When he looks so _fine_ with them on, imagine what he'd look like with them of—' "

"CC, you didn't—!"

Cue look of horror.

Lelouch looked back and forth between CC's triumphant grin—which he didn't like _at all_—and the cashier-boy's grinning face—which he liked a heck of a lot less. A mess of silver hair and blue eyes.

He winked at him.

Lelouch's eyes widened in terror.

"You didn—!"

"Oh, but I _did."_ CC grinned, slipping away from him. The tingle of the bell marked her exit.

Turning back around at the cashier, Lelouch saw him lick his lips slowly.

No poetic or literary device in the history of man could possibly describe _just_ how quickly Lelouch left the store.

Possibly screaming.

* * *

Under any normal circumstances, in the middle of preparing for a job or not, Lelouch wouldn't be caught _dead_ in these kinds of places. _Especially_ this one. In fact, he was almost certain that his aversion to it was so intense he would spontaneously combust at the thought of coming here. But then again, those stupid little words—

"Prove it."

—and his own insufferable pride to be able to, was a testament to his own sense of masochistic stubbornness skirting borders on the point of no return.

It turned off his better senses to stay away from a dangerous location when he saw one.

It blinded his ability to see the bright, gaudy, flashing lights of the sign above the lion's den he had stepped so proudly into.

It made walking straight towards the bar with CC in tow—drawing the attention of a good chunk of patrons—just that much easier.

It made the arm that snaked around his waist, giving him a feeling of unmatched, unbridled and unspeakable repulsion _that_ much worse because, in the back of his mind, he knew _this_ was a result of _his_ own doing.

"Hey pretty lady," was whispered huskily in his ear. "Can I buy you a drink? Later on I can show you just what it's like to feel like a _woman_."

Lelouch opened his mouth (to scream) and felt a hand promptly clamped over it, dragging him backwards slightly—a good metre (in Lelouch's mind not far enough) away from his random pitcher. The red-purple colour tinting his cheeks did nothing for his complexion but matched his hair remarkably.

The feel of CC's _very_ _female_ bust pressing against his back made him forget for a moment where he was—but not what he had gotten himself into.

Then, like an old-school film projector, Lelouch saw the awful series of unfortunate events that had provoked him—and his stupid male ego—into coming here.

"You have _no_ idea how to act gay."

Lelouch scoffed. "Sure I do. I've read that it's no different than being normal. You're just attracted to the wrong sex. Love c—"

"Conquers all boundaries," CC supplanted. "I get it. I still think you need to put just a _little_ more thought into this. Suzaku isn't another girl. Get your feet wet before diving head-first into—"

Once again, Lelouch scoffed. CC frowned. And then she glared.

And that was never a good thing.

Folding her arms, she eyed him viciously. "I bet you couldn't pick up a _gay_ man in a _gay_ bar if your life depended on it."

Lelouch started laughing. "I could do that with my eyes closed! But why waste a good weapon when I can use it to my advantage? These eyes are gor—"

"Prove it."

Shock.

_"What?"_ Lelouch choked.

CC smirked. "Didn't hear me? I said 'Prove it.' " CC's smirk turned into a full-fledged grin and she added, for just the right effect: _"Nancy_."

Right.

It wasn't so much the horrible echo of 'Prove it' rolling in his mind as it was her additional goading by calling him that effeminate nickname.

Golden eyes grinned at him victoriously in the dim light of the bar—Jack's Knife—and she placed her lips next to his ear.

"Don't freak out now, Princess. Don't forget the bet. Thirty boxes if you can't."

A strangled noise like a dying rabbit gurgled from his throat in reply, tinting his face red.

Satisfied enough, CC let go of him and strode off confidently. Lelouch noticed that a few patrons in the bar had looked her over more than just once. Of both sexes.

Turning back to the man—who was now looking a little awkward with his role in all this—Lelouch coughed to clear his throat and smiled. Hopefully it looked more natural than he could manage.

He laughed. "So… who was that? Oh, and sorry if I came off a little strong, I didn't mean to."

Lelouch coughed, clearing his throat again. "She's no one important. Anyway, I think you mentioned something about a drink. And don't call me 'lady' again."

A shiver travelled down his spine ominously at the thought, accompanied by several images.

He laughed. "Right, right. Sorry. You just looked so… Sorry, I won't say anymore."

Lelouch steeled himself.

He could do this.

Gay men were no different than normal guys.

"So what? Go on."

The vain part of Lelouch was curious and he couldn't really resist. If he could attract gay men as well as straight women then his clientele just expanded significantly.

"Well, I was watching you walking in with her and I was just thinking about what you would look like completely undressed. It made me want to CENSORED-CENSORED-CENSORED. You looked _sexy._"

Scratch that.

Gays were freaks of nature and his clientele would never expand to them after this was all said and done.

"Yeah, I could've done _without_ hearing that. A bit quick to jump the gun, don't you think?"

He grinned. "Maybe you like that."

It was a statement, not a question.

It sent more chills down his spine.

And not the good kind.

Lelouch laughed it off, a little more nervously than he would have liked—hoping he hadn't just drummed up a conversation with a random sex-offender in a gay bar. Holding his hand out to him, he smiled again.

"Lelouch. Lelouch Lamperouge."

"Bart," he said, shaking Lelouch's hand. "Bart Darlton, but I go by Darlton—what do you take?"

Lelouch blinked.

"Drink," he clarified, nodding towards the bartender.

"Ah. I'll have a martini. Shaken and dirty."

Darlton grinned. "So you like it dirty, huh?"

Walked right into _that_ one.

The realization that he was a fish out of water finally hit him. The kind of women he targeted would be more likely to attend cocktail receptions at large socialite gatherings, and thus likely to refrain from crude behaviour. The need to moderate his speech to exclude sexual nuances escaped his usual habits.

Even so.

The overpowering self-defence mechanism to run—very hard and very fast (for the fourth—wait—_fifth_ time in his life)—was held back for all Lelouch was worth.

At least Darlton was refraining from _touching_ him again.

Glancing over, he saw CC sitting down at a table with a man, staring in his direction, shaking in laughter.

Wait.

A _man?_

Never mind.

When their eyes locked, she winked at him, nodding towards Darlton as if she had just heard his crude comment.

And she probably did too.

Lelouch glared at Darlton.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, Lelouch. No more sex references, I swear!"

Lelouch shifted uncomfortably, eyes drifting towards the bartender shaking the drink for him.

"So, what brings you to a place like this?"

A stupid bet.

"I just broke up with my g—boyfriend and decided to come here to forget about him. He was cheating on me." Darlton winced in sympathy.

Lelouch gauged his reaction and—

"With a woman."

Darlton whistled, edging back a bit, as if someone had just shot him.

If only I could, Lelouch thought vindictively, with enough violent intent to compose a small army.

"That's rough. I'm sorry to hear that. You're a cutie, if you don't mind me saying so. I wouldn't let you get away from me by doing something stupid like _that._"

"I… uh… thanks."

A hand was placed subtly on his thigh and—

Lelouch froze.

—started to snake its way up to set comfortably on his waist. Darlton leaned in close and Lelouch could feel his hot breath falling on his neck.

A sense of sympathy flowed through him for the characters in horror movies.

When the hero has the monster breathing down their shoulder; close enough to—

"You wouldn't want to go for a bite to eat later, would you? I'm kind of hungry, and I can make you forget _all about_ that cheating bastard."

A glass-breaking, bone-chilling, blood-curdling—well, you get the idea—scream filled the entirety of the relatively hushed bar. Glasses cracked and shattered in unison—a feat only a high C could provoke.

Oooh. Impressive.

And impressively girly.

First, he was flat on the ground of the bar.

And then he was scrambling away.

And then he was _running_ away.

And then CC found him a block away, crouched down in an alley—really, what gives? (with the alleys)—hugging himself in a state of catatonic, horrified shock.

When he calmed down enough, his eyes met hers and he breathed a heavy sigh.

CC grinned wickedly.

And that was never a good thing.

"Homophobia acting up again?"

_"Shut up!_"

CC giggled in sheer glee.

"Oh hey, Nancy, guess what? I'm good enough to turn a gay man straight, so you can relax when this is all over."

Lelouch sputtered a bit.

"We are _never_ going back there again!"

"But what if—"

"Weare_never_goingbackthereagain!"

CC laughed, nudging him with her foot before offering him a hand. Lelouch took it and was pulled to his feet, fighting back the horrible shiver that decided his entire body needed to experience what a bobble-head went through every day.

"You could sing opera with a voice like _that_," CC commented, making her way out of the alley, stepping gingerly over the overturned garbage can Lelouch had run into on his way here.

_"Shut up,"_ Lelouch growled.

CC laughed, stopping at the end of the alley. She turned around and looked him over. "You're all dirty." She wrinkled her nose at him, and then grinned. "But… _maybe you like that._"

_"Shut up!"_

Lelouch was turning red from embarrassment.

CC cackled.

"Come on, Princess, we need you cleaned up for your prince charming in two hours. I'll give you a few pointers to get through the night well enough while we're at it."

Lelouch sighed.

"And you owe me thirty boxes."

Ugh.

* * *

The two hours flashed by into nothing. CC had talked non-stop about what to do and, consequently, what _not_ to do during the date. Lelouch could only really attribute this to her actually _knowing_ a gay man—Mao—and so he heeded her words wisely by not really listening.

And whenever he rose up to object or challenge her wisdom, CC only had to remind him of recent events at the Jack's Knife, and reprimand him for his next-to-nothing knowledge on the gay world.

Lelouch had already chosen to kick that memory to the curb; CC being trash collector wasn't appreciated.

Soon enough, he was getting picked up by a black vehicle in the name of Suzaku Kururugi and was being sped off towards a restaurant.

Inside, he was led to the table Suzaku was sitting at.

Inside a deserted private room save its—now two—occupants.

And bouquets of every kind of flower Japan's flower shops could possibly stock lining the walls and piling in the corners.

Candlelight illuminated the room, flickering flames sitting precariously on candelabras—one on each side of their table, shining in various mirrors in the room.

His _something-ain't-right_ senses were tingling.

But Lelouch chose to ignore all that—hoping it didn't mean anything important. (After all, it wasn't covered in the crash course by CC.)

After sitting down and five minutes of simple conversation, Lelouch had deemed that Suzaku was nice and normal enough.

Well, of course he was.

Suzaku Kururugi was straight.

But Lelouch didn't know that.

After a few casual greetings and mandatory opening conversations—

(Hey, how are you?)

(Not too bad, yourself?)

(Pretty good. So what did you do all day?)

(Brushed up on gay etiquette, how 'bout you?)

(Okay, so not exactly like that, but you get the idea.)

—the meal came out, was finished in relative silence—

(How is it?)

(Very good.)

—and now they had come about the part of the meal Lelouch had prepared all day for, thinking about every possible pattern of attack to bring this evening to a favourable end.

Wine and conversation.

From CC's explanation of gay men, it sounded like they were their own species straight down to the inflection of their voices accrued through influential habits. And then there were the gay men who looked and acted like normal people, but had crossed wires pertaining to sexual preferences.

(Based on Lelouch's recall of his brief previous encounter with Suzaku, CC classified him to be one of the latter—and these were the most difficult to deal with.)

CC Pointer Number One: Compliment his—

"You know, your eyes are really a very beautiful violet. Striking, like amethyst."

—eyes. Wait—what?

Lelouch choked on his wine.

A shade of red stained his cheeks.

Because the wine had gone down his windpipe and was now depriving him of oxygen.

This is a comedy; deal with it.

"Lelouch!"

Lelouch coughed a bit more and Suzaku rushed to his side. Pounding his chest, he coughed a bit more like a drowning man trying to spit up ocean water. He could feel the warm liquid burning something unpleasant in his chest.

A hard slap to his back cleared away the issue without further cause for concern.

Henry Heimlich Warning: Slapping the back can cause further choking.

Lelouch felt like he had just been assaulted by a miniature truck somewhere between his shoulder blades. He was afraid he would be paralyzed for life all the way down his spinal cord if he had been struck any harder.

"Th-Thanks," he rasped.

Well.

Now what?

This queer was stealing all his opening lines on him.

So, not to be outdone—

"Well, I'm lost in the forests of my childhood in yours."

Suzaku—

A. Did not blush.

B. Did not fidget.

C. Did not cast his eyes away coyly.

D. Smirked.

E. All of the above.

"I'm very flattered by your poetically rendered description of my eyes. It was _very_ cute."

He.

Did.

_Not._

All of CC's education was thrown out the window momentarily.

If you listened really closely you could hear a cat scream and hiss in complaint.

"Did you just call me_ cute?"_

Suzaku chuckled, gazing adoringly across the table at him. "You _are_ cute. Adorable, in fact. I'm sorry I'm such a terrible partner for conversation. I was too busy admiring how beautiful you are, and thinking about how I could strike up conversation with this rare and lovely orchid sitting across the table from me."

_He did not._

But he did.

Oh, he _did_.

He _did_.

He _did._

He _did._

Lelouch suppressed the urge to go over there and strangle every ounce of life from his stupid, grinning face until his head popped before beating him black and blue.

He had been called cute before.

By family members.

Women.

And of course, CC.

But never a boy.

Repeat: _Never_ a boy.

Lelouch took a sip of wine, buying him time to rack his mind for a proper response (and to relieve the murderous intent filling his head). CC hadn't covered this either—no, wait, she did: Deflect and redirect.

"I'm… very flattered by your compliment. So, tell me about your company. Shirley tells me that you recently donated towards keeping a children's hospital open. I'm impressed."

Reminder: Shirley Fenette is his fake cousin.

Suzaku shrugged. "It was nothing much really. I simply heard about their plight and decided to help out a little."

"You're too modest."

CC Pointer Number Two: Get him to talk about himself as much as possible.

"I've heard that your parents are deceased. Do you have any other family members that help you? Siblings?"

Suzaku shook his head. "No, I'm an only child. My father was a politician, and was shot by assassination—"

Actually true.

"—by a group of terrorists who didn't like the policies he was instigating; my mother died of a broken heart soon after—"

Also true.

"She was the founder of the Sakura Group, and the late CEO. My uncle and his wife and family raised me. I have a cousin, three years younger than me, who's also an only child. I moved out and reinitialized the Sakura Company immediately after graduation." Suzaku paused and smiled somewhat ruefully. "Even half the top floor of the company building was developed into an apartment for me because I was so busy and had nowhere else to go."

Lelouch nodded understandingly. "So you dove right in and buried yourself in your work. That's unhealthy," he added, taking a sip of wine. Lelouch reached for the bottle and topped Suzaku off before moving onto his glass. "You should relax more."

"You're helping me relax right now."

He winked.

Lelouch was suddenly assaulted by the urge to run very far, very fast as Suzaku put on an I'm-going-to-molest-you-in-the-next-five-minutes look. Lelouch made a mental note to be wary of Suzaku when his eyes started suggesting sexual abuse.

"Romane Conti. 1996. French red at its finest. I'm glad you enjoy it so much."

Lelouch looked back to the bottle of wine that was getting dangerously close to overflowing. He swore, spinning the bottle expertly and righting the bottle.

Lelouch was forced to take a wine serving and etiquette class back in Britannia while wearing a maid outfit complete with apron, stocking, and shoes.

Don't ask.

A single drop of red fell on the pristine white table cloth.

Lelouch didn't know what to say; his knowledge on wines was impressive enough, but clearly lacking—certainly not enough to carry a conversation on the subject. And so, he rolled on to the next best logical choice.

CC Pointer Number Three: Keep the conversation flowing.

(How?)

(Just do it.)

"It's very good," he commented, taking another drink.

He could already start to feel the heat of it flush his face.

Lelouch wasn't much of a wine person—but he would drink it if it was there. It was usually bought by him and consumed by the ladies he was scamming—and only during dinner times.

Glancing at the bottle, he realized with abject terror that _he_ was somehow the one to have drunk more than half the bottle. And—with another glance at his glass—had approximately another quarter to go.

Suzaku smiled at Lelouch (who was steadily getting redder). "Isn't it? So, tell me about yourself. You just moved here. What brought you to Japan?"

The easily rehearsed story flitted through Lelouch's slightly hazy mind and he recited it in his head.

It sounded right.

(Despite his intoxication.)

"My apartment building caught on fire, and I needed to leave the country because someone left me a note saying they were coming to kill me."

For the description of a good thriller book he once read.

Another drink of wine.

Suzaku shook with silent laughter, containing it admirably. "I see. So—"

"What brought _you_ to Japan?"

Suzaku was all smiles now. "I was born here."

Lelouch scoffed—with all the seriousness of someone thoroughly intoxicated (complete with rosy face, irritated eyes full of disbelief at perfectly good explanations, and reason sound enough that anyone completely wasted out of their minds would agree upon).

"That's no excuse."

Lelouch threw the rest of the wine back.

His glass was now empty.

Suzaku could barely contain himself. "I'm sorry. I apologize for circumstances beyond my control."

Lelouch rose from his seat in a rage. "Don't apologize to me! Apologize to Japan! Apologize for breaking the system! Apologize for shooting me in the arm with that damn pellet gun. That hurt you bastard!"  
Suzaku was confused.

Yeah, you and me both, buddy.

"Lelouch—"

"Apologize for that pie incident!"

(He'd probably tell you now if you asked nicely enough.)

Nimbly, Suzaku ferreted the remaining bottle of wine away, under the stare of irritable violet eyes, hiding it behind a bouquet of flowers on the ground.

Good choice.

Lelouch started to wobble on his feet as he turning his head away from Suzaku haughtily, folding his arms.

He started to sway but seemed stable enough.

Suzaku was biting his lip to keep the bubbling peals of laughter back. It was a good thing he was sitting otherwise he'd be on the ground shaking with hysterical laughter like someone in the throes of a seizure.

Lelouch rounded on him, slamming both hands on the table, glaring furiously at Suzaku.

"Apologize for Monday! Apologize for her birthday!"

"Lelouch, calm—"

"Apologize to CC!"

"Stop it. Just—"

"Apologize to Nunally!"

"Would you—"

"Apologize for plaid! Apologize to April! Apologize for—"

Suzaku couldn't keep it in anymore and was clutching his stomach, eyes tearing up.

"—socks with sandals! Apologize for chicken soup! Apologize to chocolate! Apolo—"

Line after line of nonsense continued to sputter out of Lelouch's mouth and Suzaku was having a riot. Although he never asked whether someone could _actually_ kill themselves laughing, now he was pretty sure of an answer.

"—third grade! Ap—"

THUMP.

Let it never be said that Lelouch Lamperouge has a high tolerance for alcohol.

* * *

And, of course, because no story would be _truly_ complete without this—

_"Gone to Japan for something stupid. Be back soon."_

_- CC and Lelouch_

Kallen fisted the note taped to the door angrily. Her blue eyes narrowed in a deadly vehemence that could make puppies cry.

Kicking the door with her shoe, she whipped her cell phone out.

"Naoto! Book me a flight to Japan!"

* * *

Comment:

Did you catch that Code Geass: Lost Colors character reference? No? I didn't think so. Anyway, look forward to the next chapter. :)

And please, no hemorrhaging on my desk. I just _might_ be tempted to clean it up instead of writing more (because I really do just make it all up as I go along) and you'll have to live with that guilt for... approximately a week.

And _that's_ never a good thing. ;)

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.

Destroyer of Expectations.


	4. I Need to Be Next to You

Pre-Comment: I'm glad you're all enjoying my twisted sense of humour so much. If I knew this story was going to be so well-received I would've started my own cul--I mean, I would've let that idea stick hit me sooner. Anyway, here's the much-awaited Chapter 4.

By the way, go vote in my poll. It will take you less than a minute.

* * *

Chapter Four: I Need to Be Next to You

"Three weeks so far, huh?"

Suzaku nodded, writing his speech for the next charity fundraiser diligently. While it had been three weeks, he had only realistically seen the boy—Lelouch, his gay-but-not-really-gay-sort-of-fake-real-boyfriend—a total of four times; including the apology dinner—which was special because he got to see Lelouch get drunk and fall to the ground in a very out for the count sort of way.

Suzaku Kururugi holds the dubious honour of befriending at least five more minutes of laughter before attending to his comatose companion.

"You should've seen how he reacted the last time I tried to kiss him."

Eyebrows rose quickly. _"Did you?"_

"Of course not. Why would I do something like that?"

Green eyes narrowed on him in frank disapproval. "You're pretending to be gay. That's messing with a poor boy's hear—"

"He's straight too, Kaguya. I forgot to mention that. So technically, he's also trying to mess with mine."

Kaguya paused and did a double take. "He's _what?_" She paused momentarily to process this. "So the both of you are straight."

"Right."

"And you're dating each other."

"You bet."

Kaguya frowned. Confusion wrinkled her brow. _"Why?"_

Suzaku reclined back in his chair and started laughing, folding his hands behind his head. "Oh come on, Kaguya. What's funnier than two straight guys pretending to be gay? He thinks I'm gay. I know he's straight. We make a perfect couple. It'll fool the media and I'll get less junk mail every day. It's a win-win."

Kaguya's frown deepened. "What if he _turns_ gay?"

A snort.

"That'll never happen. He's as straight as I am. Probably more."

Kaguya tapped her chin in thought, humming. "What if _you_ turn gay? Then he'll be as _crooked_ as you are."

Suzaku grinned before returning back to his speech.

"That'll _also_ never happen."

_For a brighter future, let's hope this charity event will bolster our—_

Kaguya hummed again. "So is it working?"

"So is what working?"

_—integrity and enable us to—_

"I mean, is he entertaining?" Kaguya rephrased.

"Here and there. It's obvious he's trying to lead the relationship."

_—so that we may—_

"And is he succeeding?"

"No. The last time I saw him he was going to buy ice cream and ended up forgetting his wallet. I think I heard him curse someone under his breath."

_—for future—_

"Then you need to stop him from trying."

_—what?_

Delete.

Suzaku stopped writing his speech to eye his cousin warily.

"What?"

Kaguya hopped off the top of his desk and came round, spinning his chair to face her. Determined green—well, _that's_ never a good sign—eyes stared back at him with a resolved kind of look in her eyes. It was the kind of look that you never wanted her personality types to ever, ever have.

Ever times infinity.

"You need to stop him from trying. If you're only doing this for entertainment, you need to make sure it's as entertaining as possible! It's no good to do things only half-way!"

Suzaku blinked.

"Okay. What do you mean?"

Kaguya's grin twisted slightly. Suzaku was regretting his decision to ask already. "Well, you said earlier that you weren't really aggressive or lovey-dovey with him. For _maximum_ entertainment you need to be! If my guess is right about him—"

"You've never even met him."

She waved it off as irrelevant. "Doesn't matter. If my guess is right about him he'll be flustered, and embarrassed, and who doesn't want to see that?"

Suzaku paused a moment to think about it. To envision it.

For a few fleeting moments, Suzaku's mind went back to their first date.

"How do I do that?"

She grinned.

Suzaku didn't like the glint in her eye.

"You need to get touchy-feely with him. You know, put your arm around his waist and lean him close to—"

"Whoa. Hold the phone." Suzaku held a hand up for her to stop and desist. "I need to _what?"_

Shaking her head, she sighed. "Get touchy-feely with him," she repeated more adamantly. "You know how couples watch movies together at home?"

Suzaku shook his head. No. He was too busy to 'know' that kind of useless stuff. Companies didn't run themselves. There was no autopilot button (no matter how gladly he would sell his soul for one) regardless of how much delegation he did.

"Well, invite him over to watch a movie on your next date. Use that love-seat I know is in the basement. The one you thought was defective because it—"

"It _is_ defective," Suzaku cut in.

Kaguya frowned and Suzaku sighed, shutting up in apology, waving his hand for her to continue.

"Anyway, sit in the middle and have him sit on your lap. Or put your arm around his waist and lean him on you. You need to make your relational roles clear, you know! It's not good to leave things like this."

Suzaku pondered it.

Truth be told, it sounded like a good plan. For the most part he had avoided as much physical contact as possible because being intimate with someone of the same sex—even for kicks—was a little much. But he was infinitely sure he was more okay with physical contact of the same sex than Lelouch was.

Which, as we all know, was true.

"So… more touchy-feely. Is that it?"

Kaguya shook her head. "You need to be a pervert too."

Suzaku sputtered. "A _what?"_

That crossed just a few of his lines.

Just a few.

"It's in all of the manga! The one who dominates—" Suzaku never wanted to know what kind of manga Kaguya read. "—the relationship is _always_ a pervert! And they end up—"

Suzaku's mind blocked out the rest immediately after it was uttered.

God bless selective memory loss.

Note to self: Never look around Kaguya's room for too long next time you visit.

Suzaku was scared to ask _how_ this was to be went about_._ Kaguya's extensive (and aptly proven) knowledge on the topic was terrifying enough. He wasn't sure if he was prepared to ask for any pointers from his cousin on the etiquette of being a pervert.

He mulled it over.

A pervert, huh?

He could pull it off.

Probably.

"Yeah, okay. I can see that. It's possible. I know enough about him to start _really_ harassing him after all."

Kaguya gave a satisfied nod, placing her hands on both hips. "Good. I have to go now or Father will be angry I ran away again." She started heading for the door. "And invite me to the wedding if it happens!" she called out cheerfully, closing the door behind her.

Suzaku sighed. Looking back at his speech, his shoulders fell.

He wouldn't get it done _now_.

Not after the thought of doing perverted things to Lelouch was forcefully planted unhappily in his head.

But it _would_ be fun.

Suzaku pressed the button that would instantly connect him with his secretary.

"Nina, connect my phone to Lelouch Lamperouge."

* * *

She knew she should've stopped at the seventh one, but Japan really outdid itself.

The texture of the cheese was impossibly perfect and the pepperoni was sliced just _so well._ More than that was the tantalizing aroma that infiltrated your senses before you opened the box and laid waste to your watering taste buds as you lift the lid, watching the steam pour out in gentle wafts before floating to heaven and bringing you with it.

Whatever she had said about the pizza possibly sucking in Japan, CC took it all back.

If Britannia had it down to an _art form_ Japan had certainly mastered it. Aside from the slightly different taste in the cheese, it was like eating spherical heaven.

And so she took a bite, all the while watching Lelouch run around the house in a frantic frenzy for the shirt she had accidentally set on fire and tossed out a week prior.

Don't ask.

Knowing he would be extremely angry about it, CC didn't have the heart to tell him it was gone forever to a better place.

Like at the bottom of the garbage bin.

"Are you _sure_ you haven't seen it?"

"Are you _sure_ it's not somewhere in your closet, Nancy?"

Lelouch visibly twitched at her new pet name of him but otherwise made no other reaction.

One week in Japan and they had a house and Lelouch had a first date with the single, rich CEO of the Sakura Group. Three weeks later they were already hitting it off for three of them for the sum total of four times—including the first one.

_That_ turned out to be a memorable night.

She had answered the door to see Suzaku, carrying Lelouch cradled in his arms. The sight was enough to provoke the urge to take pictures as blackmail. His face was red and he was passed out, sleeping soundly.

Alcohol.

CC held Suzaku's eyes without saying anything for a long time, wondering if Lelouch had revealed the entire plan in a drunken stupor—wondering if she would have to book plane tickets back to Britannia dragging Lelouch kicking and screaming onto the plane. Her eyes flitted back and forth somewhat pensively before Suzaku broke the silence with asking if he had the wrong house.

Worries alleviated, CC simply stepped aside and let him in, watching as he deposited Lelouch on the couch.

CC prepared him tea, Suzaku sat down, and they chatted.

Of course, the cursory 'Who are you' was asked of CC and she answered with a mirrored response of 'Who are _you._'

Not to break suit, Suzaku said that he was interested in Lelouch and talked a little about that—in a rather perfunctory way, CC observed, for someone with supposed romantic feelings towards the man passed out next to her on the couch.

In those few sentences CC thought of the possibility that Suzaku might actually be straight. (The way he was staring at her bust while she wore the pizza shirt was a dead giveaway. (Gay men didn't stare at racks, she reasoned—and CC's was an impressive rack; many a pizza delivery boy would attest to that.))

CC informed him that she was an aunt who had decided to put him up, thanked Suzaku for bringing him home, and consequently kicked him out after buttering things along the way for their budding fake relationship.

Lelouch woke up on the couch the next day with no idea what happened the night prior, terrified out of his reeling mind at the fact he was stripped down to his black briefs with a horrible headache pounding on his temple. CC had stripped him of his clothing almost immediately after Suzaku left. She had come down the stairs greeting him with a wink, giggle, and _"You guys were SO loud last night!"_

The look on his face was _special._

"Damn, that was my favourite shirt. I don't think I misplaced it."

CC rolled her eyes. Lelouch was too much of a neat freak; there was no way he did.

She burned a hole in it and was just that good at hiding evidence.

"Just wear something else. Or are you so concerned about what your boy might think of your appearance?"

Lelouch folded his arms in thought. "Not really. I just don't want him thinking me a sloppy dresser. I spent so much time scrubbing out that ice cream stain too…"

CC opened her mouth to say something then closed it with a sigh.

According to Lelouch, Suzaku was not expressive of any of the more flamboyant traits at all. As a result, Lelouch got more comfortable with the idea of being in a loving relationship with him—fitting into his role quite nicely little by little. It was a very unappealing situation for her.

CC was bored already.

And we all know _that's_ not good.

Even the gay jokes were getting monotonous to her.

Something needed to be done.

"You need to get into his pants."

"No, I need to find my—_what?"_

_That_ got his attention.

CC rolled over on her stomach for a better vantage point. "You heard me. I'm sick of Japan."

Lelouch frowned. "But you like the pizza here more than in Britannia."

CC scoffed—like it was the only thing that mattered to her. Pffbt. Please.

Well, it was kind of true, and kind of wasn't.

…

Okay, it was _all_ true.

"That's not true!" she argued with all the conviction of someone telling the truth. "I have other attachments in Britannia too. Like the rest of your family. I haven't chatted with Nu—"

"You stay away from Nunally," Lelouch warned, rounding on her with narrowed eyes.

CC smirked. "Sister complex." Lelouch glared. "Anyway, you need to get into his pants," she repeated.

Lelouch twitched visibly, paling slightly.

To a certain extent, CC knew that pleading this case was fruitless. But she was going to do it anyway. Planting the thought in his head was good enough. It would be the forerunner of things to come.

While being left to her own thoughts for a while in the silence of the room, CC paused.

Why _was_ it so quiet?

"Lelouch?" she ventured.

Lelouch was red in the face; a distinct shade of cherry tomatoes. It was so cute she wanted to take a picture of it. The way he looked so embarrassed about was almost as if—

CC's eyes widened.

"It's not what you think!" Lelouch shrieked.

Like anything, it started slow.

"Shut up! Don't laugh!"

And then it started to build steam.

Lelouch flushed darker. He knew nothing could stop what was about to happen now.

Shrill laughter filled the room that only CC could be capable of.

Tugging him into her arms quick enough for him not to be able to do anything about it, she wrapped her arms around his middle, leaning her chin on his shoulder. Lelouch wasn't struggling but he _was_ shaking like a leaf.

"Deflowered already?"

"I told you it's not like that! I've never had sex before!"

That declaration silenced the room.

Outside you could hear birds chirping happily.

CC snorted in laughter. "Virgin, huh?"

"Don't say it like that!"

CC clutched her side, still chortling with laughter, squeezing tighter around his middle.

"Fine. You're innocent. Inexperienced and—wait, even Kallen?"

Lelouch pursed his lips, looking away. "We were only married for a week! And she was too nervous on the honeymoon believe it or not."

CC blinked. Unbelievable. "Nonette?"

Lelouch shook his head.

"Wow."

Lelouch grumbled before casting her an angry glare once more getting up out of her embrace. CC made a true effort to stop giggling in the euphoria provoked by his reaction and flushed face.

"Well, then don't get into his pants if you're going to be such a girl about it. Speaking of which, you lovebirds have a movie date tonight, don't you?"

Thankful that the topic had switched, Lelouch nodded. "That's why I don't want to look scruffy. We're watching some films at his estate."

CC's eyebrows rose. "At his _estate?_ As in, where he _lives?_"

Lelouch frowned.

"Yes. Why?"

"I need to give you another lesson then. This could be… an eye-opening experience for you."

The frown deepened. "What for?"

CC sighed.

Lelouch was so naïve sometimes. Even though she had met Suzaku and he seemed pretty nice, she knew the base nature of men in general. Growing up with a swath of sisters and two older brothers prone to fawning over him, she had no doubt in her mind he was unaware of just about everything that involved deeper relationships. This spoiled brat had been home-schooled after all.

CC smiled in reverie.

It felt like only yesterday she was admiring him for everything he was and wasn't, and now she had become mother hen.

Times have changed.

"While you might not want to get into his pants, he might be wanting to get at yours. And this time you won't be wasted out of your mind to ignore it."

Lelouch's eyes flared wide open in a traumatized look words couldn't describe as he sat down next to her slowly. She _almost_ pitied him before briefly wondering how he had managed to live for so long _without_ knowing about all this.

CC righted herself and sat properly on the couch, pulling a pillow into her embrace.

A slow, wicked, smile pulled at her lips.

"Let me tell you about the horrors men are capable of."

* * *

To say that Lelouch was _rattled_ by CC's deep and thought-provoking explanation was an understatement. While he sat there with disgusted and rapt attention he imagined Suzaku—and, consequently, imagined Suzaku doing _that_ to him.

It was more than Lelouch ever wanted to know on the topic.

A very small part of him had simply called it quits right there and he knew he'd have to suffer on his own in order to reach his much sought goal: Suzaku Kururugi's endless digits of cash.

It was too bad the part that left him just happened to be his dignity.

When a stark white limousine pulled up to the house, CC bid him farewell while dressing up in a gown of midnight wearing topaz jewellery to match.

_'I've a date tonight.'_

Sighing, he collected his thoughts and walked towards the limousine. As expected the driver opened the door for him and Lelouch stepped inside, keeping his eyes on the house, as if he could see CC getting ready through the layer of thick cement. The really insecure and needy part of him wished she could come along to at least fend Suzaku off if the case presented itself.

When something of a hand snaked around his waist, Lelouch only had a second to look down at it and—

"I've missed you, Lelouch," was purred over his shoulder, lips vibrating his ear.

—felt a shiver scrape down his spine, like nails on a chalkboard, that was only emblazoned further as a chaste kiss was planted against his neck.

CC's recent educational words fluttered in his head.

A strangled cry and escape mechanism only a fight or flight response could be the cause of propelled him up against the door of the limousine.

Chest heaving, Lelouch looked at Suzaku with wild eyes—wary that he would be attacked again.

Suzaku laughed.

"You're adorable. Sorry if I scared you." Suzaku held out his hand to him. "Come on, sit beside me. It's been a rough day for me. I want you near me."

Lelouch's eyes widened and he regarded that outstretched hand much like he did the first day it was presented to him. In his mind it was like the Black Plague come to infect him with bubonic, flesh-festering goodness.

CC's words flashed through his head again.

His eyes widened in alarm.

"I'm not—"

_Statistics say that Kururugi is possibly the richest person on the planet right now._

"—ah… okay."

Swallowing his pride, Lelouch scooted a little closer and yelped when Suzaku pulled him flush against his side. Lelouch stiffened. This was clearly more than he bargained for. Clearly _closer_ than he bargained for.

"Mmm. What kind of shampoo do you use?" Suzaku murmured in his ear, pressing his lips against them. "Smells good."

He was _rich_.

"I… uh…"

He was _rich_.

"Hey, can I call you Lulu?"

He was _rich_.

"I bet your skin is really soft."

He was—

Suzaku's hand touched bare skin.

—waking up in a large, soft and fluffy bed that was clearly not his own.

A quick glance around the room told him the most important things he needed to know: Suzaku wasn't nearby, he was probably in a guest room of some sort, Suzaku wasn't nearby, everything reeked of money, Suzaku wasn't nearby, that was probably real gold rimming the vanity, and, most importantly of all, Suzaku wasn't nearby.

Lelouch lay back down on the bed and closed his eyes with a sigh.

And then it struck him.

He wasn't wearing anything but his black briefs.

Folded neatly at the end of the bed was a pile of clothing.

A bow sat neatly on top.

* * *

Suzaku couldn't be more pleased with himself. He felt like a kid in a candy store right now. If he knew doing something like this could've been so entertaining he would've attempted to do it sooner.

Kaguya's advice was right.

Shortly after picking Lelouch up, Suzaku put the moves on him and he had, funnily enough, passed out. Seeing him fidget and squirm in his grasp was enough for him, but for him to pass out? Really? Suzaku was sorely tempted to test the boy's limits.

He had a hard time controlling his laughter.

After carrying him inside, he had deposited him on his bed. Being the young workaholic he was, his bedroom on the estate acted more as a guestroom than anything else now. He ordered Sayoko to check up on him every now and then. It wouldn't take too long for him to wake up relatively soon.

Once everything was set up, Suzaku stole himself away to his study to get some work done in-between.

After all, speeches didn't write themselves.

_Today we mark fifteen years of service, kindness, and loyalty and celebrate Japan's most dedicated—_

Phone.

Suzaku growled, picking it up—unhappy about the umpteenth interruption to his work that day.

"What?" he snapped.

There was a huff. _"Well that's no way to treat your favourite cousin!"_

Suzaku rubbed his temple. "Kaguya, you're my _only_ cousin."

Their fathers were brothers and each only had one child.

_"Doesn't matter. I've just heard from a very reliable source that Lelouch is a con-man waiting to dupe you out of your money!"_

Suzaku blinked. "Oh? And I thought he was just the average gold-digger getting a little full of himself. Wait, where did you hear this from again?"

_"A very reliable source. She only goes by her initials though," _Kaguya added as an afterthought.

He frowned. _"That's_ reliable."

She huffed. _"I'm doing you a favour, you ungrateful. So, how is your date going?"_ she asked in a completely different tone.

"Passed out upstairs in my room."

There was a pause of silence.

A strangled sort of gasp was heard from the other line as well as a muffled sound—as if she had just dropped the phone on the floor. Suzaku frowned. There was sound of it being hastily picked up.

_"Suzaku, you didn't!"_ Kaguya squealed—practically in glee.

Suzaku's eyes widened in understanding. "It's not what you—"

_"I just knew you'd fall for those pretty violet eyes, his milky white skin, and that silky black—"_

"Hey, how do you know what he looks like?"

_"Dad'scallingmegottogobye!"_

"Hey, wait—"

Click.

Ugh.

Suzaku glared at his phone. He had a distinct feeling he was being duped by something—though he only had Kaguya's sketchy revelations to go by.

A knock brought his attention to the door. Sayoko stood at its entrance and bowed.

"The Master's guest has awoken and is getting dressed." She smiled knowingly. "I shall send him to the cinema once he is ready."

Suzaku nodded, getting up, sighing mournfully at his speech. It was important, but watching his pseudo-boyfriend was just a little more entertaining no matter how you spun it.

"Thanks Sayoko. The only thing down there is that two-seater right?"

Sayoko nodded. "At your request, Master Suzaku."

"Good, good. I'm on my way over," he said, getting up and walking briskly out of his office towards the cinema, passing by Sayoko as she gave another bow.

"Oh, Master Suzaku."

Suzaku stopped mid-stride to swivel around, almost losing his balance.

Sayoko's brows furrowed in what you could call concern.

"Master Lelouch was muttering something in his sleep about 'pizza.' He also mumbled something along the lines of 'don't eat me,' but I might have misheard _that_ part."

Suzaku blinked.

Favourite food?

"Uh… okay, thanks. I'll… keep that in mind."

Sayoko bowed and Suzaku continued on his way toward the cinema, passing by the door to his wine cellar. Just as he laid a hand on the cool, brass handle, Suzaku shook his head; thinking better of it after recalling what happened their first date.

His lips wrinkled in a frown at the sight of the two-seater. It was smaller than your average two-seater and Suzaku had called it defective on this account. The only reason he hadn't thrown it out was because it was a gift from some company executive the Sakura Group made deals with overseas.

So instead he threw it in one of the back rooms that collected thin layers of dust if Sayoko didn't clean them.

She was his only maid after all.

Suzaku sat down in the middle.

There was barely any room on his left.

There was barely any room on his right.

All hail the one-and-a-half-seat couch.

Suzaku was fidgeting in the chair, drumming his hands on his knees. He half-regretted not taking some work down with him since Lelouch was taking his sweet time—

Well, well, speak of the devil.

Lelouch's lips were pursed in a thin, flat line that was thoroughly pissed and well on its way to murderous intent.

Suzaku felt giddy.

"Don't you look adorable," he commented with a big grin.

Lelouch wore not only the dress but the stockings and cloth tiara to boot. It was purple; it was frilly; it was impossibly short, and it had an apron. None of these described things a normal person would _ever_ want wear in public. Use your imagination. Yeah, it was _that_ kind of a dress.

Note to self: Sayoko deserves a promotion.

"Scre—" and clamped his mouth shut.

Well, to be fair, you would want to cuss wearing that too.

And if you had rifled through the entire hastily replaced wardrobe—in nothing but black briefs—to find exact replicas of the same outfit with _your_ clothing nowhere to be found.

Suzaku merely smiled innocently. "You look _so_ cute. And it matches your pretty violet eyes too."

Aforementioned eyes twitched.

Lelouch swallowed.

More than just pride.

"Come sit down, Lelouch."

Lelouch stood there, seemingly contemplating his options. He really didn't have any. The one-and-a-half-seater was the only chair in the large cinema. Suzaku made sure to have all the others removed.

"Where?"

Wrong question.

Suzaku smiled, patting his lap innocently.

A visible pale spread through his cheeks, discolouring his already fair complexion.

"Suzaku."

"Yes, sweetie-pie?"

Another twitch.

"Please move over."

Suzaku stuck his lower lip out and sent him _that_ look.

Kicked Puppy Look Inc. All rights reserved.

_"Please?_ I want you _near_ me." And, just to see how he would take it: "Lulu."

Lelouch visibly shook for a moment, turning an impressive shade of scarlet. Suzaku resisted the incredible urge to break out in laughter, giving it all away right then and there. After a moment of inner turmoil, Lelouch walked towards him and Suzaku took the opportunity to pull him into his lap before he could consider the matter any further.

He squawked.

More or less, his body had gone rigid in his arms.

Suzaku was relishing every moment of this.

If Shirley were here she would have called him a sadist.

Suzaku would find he was pretty eager to accept that accusation after reflecting on this moment in his life.

Well, wouldn't we all.

Keeping one arm around his waist, Suzaku worked the movie player remotely and the movie started to play. He hadn't put much thought into the movie choice. He would've let Kaguya pick it out for him if he had trusted her even a little bit to find something decent (in both definitions of the word). As the case presented itself, he had chosen a horror movie of some sort.

Half-way through the movie he saw that Lelouch had either lost interest in the plot or was falling asleep. One way or another, he was getting comfortable.

Leaning up, he rested his chin on his shoulder, close to his ear.

"Hey, Lulu, you really know how to dress to turn me on," he whispered as huskily as possible.

Violet widened and dilated faster than Superman could circumnavigate the globe.

In the aftermath of the events that followed, Suzaku was promptly thankful that any form of glassware was at least safe in another room and that pillows were the least harmful of things to be thrown at you.

* * *

Comment:

Gosh. _I_ think Sayoko deserves a promotion.

So, I think I may pull off an update spectacularly soon in the way a magician pulls a rabbit out of their hat, but first you'll have to satisfy my curiosity.

1. What do you think of my CC? I, personally, really love her.

2. What do you think will happen next?

3. Would you join my cult if I started one?

4. What's your favourite animal? Cats, Rabbits, or something else?

And... 5. What character are you _dying_ to see added in here?

Anyway, go vote in my poll, otherwise I'll just decide what to do about that matter on my own (and I'm pretty sure nobody wants me doing that).

Please R&R. (Which is a very formal way of saying my ego likes being stroked.)

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.


	5. I Didn't Order THAT 'To Go'

Pre-Comment: *Shiver* The voices in my head are giving me those 'Quit While You're Ahead' vibes. This was going to go up earlier... but then Life got in the way and, well, the rest is history. As penance it's a little longer. Some of you are eerily good at reading my mind. Stop doing it or I'll start to feel threatened.

By the way, the first order of business for everyone who sold their soul to me in order to join my cult...

...is to disband because I don't think the Government of Canada would let me have one, and because some plans were particularly incriminating. (But I'm keeping the souls.)

Enjoy Chapter Five Ex-Communicates.

* * *

Chapter Five: I Didn't Order THAT 'To Go'

"I can't stand this anymore, CC! He put his hand on my _ass_ today!" Lelouch made wide, emphatic gestures with his hands. "_Groped_ it! _In public!"_

The horrified look on his face was priceless.

CC hummed, tapping her chin in thought. "Wasn't it _you_ who said that _all I need is love?_ Isn't he the _love of your life_? Doesn't love conquer _all_ boundaries?"

Lelouch glared.

CC fell onto her back, kicking her legs in the air, gasping for breath as she laughed. Actual tears were coming out of her eyes. Shifting her head to face his glare, she snorted with laughter.

And she took in a deep breath.

_"Lulu loves a queer! Lulu loves a queer!"_ she sang.

"Shut up!" Lelouch screeched, turning quite the attractive shade of crimson. "And don't call me that! I didn't anticipate I'd be the _woman_ in all this!"

CC frowned, looking offended. "Hey. _I'm_ the woman in all of _my_ cons."

"You _are_ a woman!"

"And you're a _queen_!"

CC shook with laughter at his expense, once again cycling her legs in the air. Lelouch growled furiously at her. When it was apparent she had no intention of stopping—and really, who would?—Lelouch stormed out of the living room. The mocking voice of CC singing _'Lulu loves a queer'_ followed him like a noxious cloud of poison all the way to his room.

Lelouch slammed the door behind him like an angry, 'misunderstood' teenager. Lying down on his bed, he rested his head over folded hands, glaring up at the ceiling like he used to do back in Britannia during his troubled, adolescent years before running away.

In the span of two weeks Suzaku had managed to make him uncomfortable in ways he never thought possible. While something certainly went off in his head that this _probably_ wasn't how a normal relationship went—gay or not—it was a thought pushed to the back-burner in the horrible wake that was his onslaught of sexual harassment.

_Something_ had to make this easier.

"Had enough, Juliet?"

Lelouch turned to the door to see CC leaning against the frame, rapping on the door lightly in a belated display of respect for his privacy. Pfft. Like privacy every stopped _her_. He greeted her with the complimentary glare. He didn't hear the door open and he didn't have to think about how she managed that.

CC had ninja skills like that and he stopped thinking about how she got them eons ago.

She came to sit down on the bed beside him.

Lelouch turned away from her; he was in no mood to be the catalyst of her amusement.

And so he sulked.

Without him responding, she continued:

"Come on, I can book the next ticket back to Britannia for us. You can go back to nice, normal Britannian _women_ and chasing their skirts. After, you can grovel at my feet among the mountain of cheesy goodness you're going to buy for me, because I'm going to build a throne out of the boxes. And then we can—"

"No."

CC blinked.

The thought of returning to mediocrity—having to deal with the same kind of woman over and over again (no matter how tempting and easy the idea was)—and increasing his already-large paper trail and police description, was unappealing. Not to mention a freedom-threatening endeavour if you considered the latter.

CC frowned and he could see the wheels in her head turning angrily. Golden eyes narrowed sharply at not having her way. _"Excuse me?"_

"I'm going to finish this job, CC. I can handle it. If that invert wants to get touchy-feely with me then so be it! I can suffer at least this much for my love!"

Despite the determined look on his face, Lelouch knew his will was quavering at the prospect of just skipping town and erasing this chapter of his life for all time to come.

Gay man?

What are you talking about?

Suzaku Kururugi?

Who's _that?_

What the heck have _you_ been smoking?

It was a little more than just tempting.

CC heaved a monstrous sigh and flopped on her back, laying across his legs.

"You're so _stupid_," she declared in frustration, a frown marring her brow. "And delusional. What if Suzaku doesn't leave you alone? He's got money enough to stalk you for the rest of your life. Ever consider that?"

Lelouch pulled a face. Truthfully, he _had_ considered the possibility that Suzaku might hunt him down in a worse way than Kallen (simply because he had the financial backing to do it; Kallen had the nose of a bloodhound in its prime) if he actually robbed him blind of every copper. It _also_ crossed his mind that Suzaku would have enough power and influence to make his life utter Hell if he were ever caught.

How that might be in comparison to evil blue eyes haunting his waking nightmares he didn't want to know.

CC sighed languidly, pillowing her hands behind her head. Instead of complaining further, she gave in, "So where does this resolve take you, then? Going on the attack? You're not exactly prince charming in this relationship like you usually are."

The sad part about that was it was true and he knew it.

Every attempt at leading the relationship, like he normally did, was quashed without mercy. It was beginning to be more than just a little frustrating—not to mention embarrassing. What ended up happening was that he was always on the def—

Wait.

A thought struck him.

"CC!"

Startled, CC jumped a bit, sitting up. "What? Yes?"

"Teach me everything there is about being a woman!"

* * *

Expensive high-heeled boots clacked mercilessly on the airport tiles in heavy, powerful, measured strides. The steady click of several suitcases moving in terrible unison thundered behind her on polished marble. A few bodyguards—complete with the men-in-black outfit plus wire—were in tow.

Yeah, she _did._

Kallen stepped outside of the airport and breathed in deeply of the warm salty scent of the ocean from the Tokyo harbour. It stirred childhood memories of growing up here in the summer before moving to Britannia almost permanently.

She hadn't been here in years; it smelled the same as she remembered it.

Whipping off her dark sunglasses, she scanned angrily around her from underneath her cap—searching—as if the man she was hunting down were nearby. A definite frown of broiling anger flattened her lips. Her free hands fisted with the desire to pound something very bloodily and very pulp-ily.

"He's here; I just know it," she hissed venomously. Without turning, she barked out the address of her attendant, "Ougi!"

"Yes, Miss Stadtfeld?"

"Do you know why I've come here?"

Her attendant was silent a moment, as if thinking over her question.

He wasn't.

They all just knew better to give the illusion that they were or face consequences.

"No, Miss Stadtfeld."

A vicious grin spread across her red, glossed lips. "I'm here to kill a rat, liar, and a _cheat_."

Her attendant remained silent—keenly aware of the ill-contained rage rife within each syllable.

Satisfied that her violent wishes had gotten through to them well enough, Kallen smiled, briefly revelling in the adrenaline coursing through her veins that had time to ferment into something truly potent over the flight.

Finally, the attendant swallowed, clearing the several pounds of heavy lead that had suddenly formed in his throat as quietly as he could manage. "Yes, Miss Stadtfeld."

"Call me Kouzuki."

His answer was prompt: "Yes, Miss Kouzuki."

* * *

High noon on a Saturday was his least favourite of times.

They were hot.

They were boring.

And they cut into his low-blood-pressure-influenced sleeping habits.

In fact, Lelouch liked it a lot less knowing he was coming out to meet his gay sex-offender boyfriend—who really ought to be locked up in jail _after_ giving all his bank account information to him for—er—safekeeping.

Lelouch let CC pick out today's outfit for him since she had been so uncharacteristically helpful in the last couple days.

A part of him wished he hadn't made such a big point of complaining about the sexual harassment to her.

Glancing at his watery reflection in the fountain he was waiting by, Lelouch grimaced. Clearly he underestimated CC's own selfish desires that were the base foundation for her altruistic ones; she had returned home not only with his new set of clothing but enough boxes of cheesy goodness to create a to-scale replica of their house back in Britannia—light fixtures and all.

Lelouch later made a mental note to never, ever, _ever_, give CC full custody of his credit card for the entirety of a day never, ever, _ever_ again.

Despite that, here he was: Dressed in new clothing that was a size too small for him. It also, as he found out by ogling himself in the reflection of the nearby fountain like some narcissist (which, by all accounts wasn't too far off the mark), outlined his butt a little more than he would have liked.

'Please sexually assault me,' was written all over.

Lelouch was just hoping Suzaku didn't actually get any ideas.

"Lelouch!"

He turned at the call of his name.

Well look who it is.

Lucifer himself; smiling and waving at him.

Suzaku was running—late and winded from exertion of running here to try and not be as late.

"You're late," Lelouch stated irritably. An arch frown formed on his lips as he tried to remember everything CC told him.

Suzaku smiled helplessly at him. "Sorry, there were a few too many things at the office that needed doing. I'll make it up to you. Did you wait long?"

Lelouch glanced at the nearby replica of the clock back in Britannia close to his house that rang every hour, of the hour, and woke him up at least five times towards the afternoon when he slept in. (At one point in time he was cross enough to petition its removal. City Council responded to his frustrated letter with the politically correct, polite, and formal equivalent of: LAWL.) They were supposed to meet roughly an hour ago; Lelouch would've been comfortably back home and passed out in bed if Suzaku had not called him every ten minutes saying he was late and on his way.

CC Emasculation Lesson One: Be understanding.

"It's fine. You're busy, I understand."

Placing both hands firmly on his shoulders caused Lelouch to look at him and catch the look that was familiar to him in more than one way. Lelouch had used that look himself on more than one account.

I've-been-a-jerk-to-you-and-I'm-really-really-sorry.

Any boy worth anything had mastered that look and knew enough to back it up with roses and copious amounts of chocolate of the expensive variety. (And for rare, difficult, cases: The cheesy, circular sort.)

"No, it's not. It's not good to neglect you like this."

Lelouch looked from one side to the other, hoping his senses were pulling tricks on him and that Suzaku was _not_ sliding one hand slowly towards his neck while the other was making its way steadily south from behind.

He fidgeted slightly.

"No, really, I understand. Completely. More than you think."

Suzaku smiled and had adopted _that look_ in his eyes again. "You're so understanding, Lelouch, I really—"

Hand on his neck.

"—couldn't ask for a better boyfr—"

Hand on his back.

"—than you. I'm such a—"

Hand on his face.

"—lucky—"

Their foreheads touched.

Lelouch screamed and jerked back as far as—

"Lelouch!"

—and then remembered that a fountain was directly behind him.

The splash of water accompanied by the consequent laughing (with a severe lack of restraint) caused nearby heads to swivel in their direction. Comments were made behind hands to companions and other small grins were commonplace before everyone turned back to what they were doing. A few passing girls giggled at him. One even winked.

Lelouch seethed.

These were new clothes too.

When the fits of giggles assaulting Suzaku died down, he held his hand out, offering his most apologetic smile. Lelouch had gotten used to this smile. Suzaku used it often because humiliation had made good on a very one-sided relationship with Lelouch whenever Suzaku was around.

Sitting up in the fountain, Lelouch groaned. He looked away from Suzaku darkly, still far too tempted to murder him. When he calmed down enough, he took the silent hand and felt himself slowly pulled to his feet.

And then he saw _her_.

Walking down the street with her stiletto boots that could kill someone, talking sharply on her phone and looking as pissed as he remembered her.

Kallen.

Lelouch could've sworn he suffered a mild heart attack just now.

As if she had a sixth sense for hunting him down (which Lelouch was pretty sure she did), her head swivelled in one of the few slow-motion moments of Lelouch's life.

Panicking, he let go of Suzaku's hand and fell back into the fountain with another splash.

If he were in a better mood and his thoughts didn't consist of _'I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die,'_ Lelouch might _actually_ consider this a refreshing—if not embarrassing in a defaming-of-public-property kind of way—cure for a really hot Saturday at high noon.

Suzaku sat down on the edge of the fountain this time, giving a true, valiant attempt at holding in his amusement from bursting through whitening pursed lips.

It still managed to tug at them every now and then.

"Perhaps we should go swimming today, since you're so fond of water."

For a few precious moments, Lelouch simply laid there in the shallow pool of water, staring up at the blue sky. His waist up was submerged with his legs—still dry—splaying out of the fountain. Sitting up a bit, he breathed a sigh of relief and laid back down in the water.

Kallen had gone.

Once again, Suzaku held his hand out. "I'm sorry for laughing so much. You're just… so precious. Come on, we need to get you dried up with a new change of clothes."

Taking his hand without complaint or hesitation, Lelouch felt himself pulled to his feet. The water dripped down him in small rivers running from his soaked clothing, dripping soundlessly to dry on the pavement.

As Suzaku took his hand and led him away, Lelouch scanned the crowds warily for his up-and-coming criminal ex-wife—just itching to make her debut with a homicide headline.

He needed a disguise.

* * *

She was _so_ sure he was here.

She could _feel_ it.

There wasn't anywhere in the world Lelouch Lamperouge could escape to. Call it the sixth-sense that all angry, stiffed, jilted, and generally unhappy ex-wives acquired upon appending that prefix to their marital status, but she knew he was here.

_She could feel it._

Not only that, but she was fairly confident of her twenty-twenty vision and saw him with someone roughly thirty minutes ago. If it weren't for her overriding sense of decency in a public place, Kallen would've torn off at the slightest trace like the bloodhound she was.

She wasn't deterred. She grew up in a family full of cops, law-enforcers, and bouncers with an older brother who fully supported the doctrine of 'Tough Love Regardless of Gender.' Not only that, but she had fired her first gun at age five and immediately fell in love with the weight and power of destructive metal in her hand. Naoto had once claimed it gave her quite a superiority complex and she promptly punched him in the gut for it.

If she had ever followed up the matrilineal family tradition of joining law-enforcement her nickname would indefinitely be 'Trigger Happy.'

Instead she went into business with her father and stayed there after he found out she had a good head for it.

Naoto joined the police force and that was how she found out where Lelouch lived. It was (as she fondly put it) only _slightly_ illegal, but her older brother was more terrified of a jilted, murderous, and psychotic little sister than anything his superiors could come up with.

(You would be too if you knew Kallen growing up.)

And what did she find taped to the door of his empty house?

_"Gone to Japan for something stupid. Be back soon."_

_- CC and Lelouch._

Kallen kicked the nearest inanimate object next to her and growled in unison with the dull clang of the metal lamp-post shuddering its way up the steel column. Several wary on-lookers walked around her in a wider circle.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair how she had to keep hunting him down a year after the marriage ended.

It wasn't fair how he had gotten away with emptying one of her Swiss bank accounts.

It wasn't fair how she wanted to pound his stupid, pretty face in so much and couldn't.

It wasn't fair how she still really, really liked him even though he was such a douche.

And, most of all, it was unfair how horribly good looking he was to make her forget about a lot of all of the above.

Sighing heavily, she ran a hand through her hair and continued to look around. The shopping mall was large; he could be anywhere.

But she had connections.

Whipping her phone out, Kallen speed-dialled the only person in Japan who had enough connections, as well as the you-will-do-as-I-say-or-I-will-blackmail-you-to-do-it-anyway credence, to get just about anything.

The phone rang a few times and was picked up promptly.

_"Hello, Milly Ashford speaking."_

* * *

Suzaku sighed in satisfaction. "My life as a man is complete."

Lelouch pursed his lips, unable to say anything about that comment (but still wanting to tear his head off for it) as Suzaku ogled his reflection in the mirror appreciatively from his position on the bench nearby. A horrible scarlet turned his face an attractive shade of red as ugly as Shirley's purse.

He couldn't help but tug at the ruffled blue and white skirt hugging his waist a little lower self-consciously; he felt himself colour darker. The skirt was shorter than the long, black wig he was wearing and Lelouch couldn't help but wonder how girls dealt with that horrible, revealing feeling of a draft fly up.

Under normal circumstances, Lelouch would've just left the district, town, city, or province of any unhappy past girl he had charmed enough into trusting him with their bank account. Unfortunately for him he couldn't really leave the country because of such a small matter as Kallen.

No matter how over-qualified of a reason that alone was to hop a plane back to Britannia.

Or possibly Canada.

So, to improvise, he had opted for a disguise of _some sort_ and was already regretting the decision.

Another tug at his skirt pulled his attention to the person behind him. Lelouch yelped and jumped away, spinning around and holding his hands over his violated bottom protectively.

"Can I frame a picture of you on my wall?"

"No!" Lelouch shot back, unable to stem the anger, colouring darker.

He was past his breaking point. Not once had he ever lost his temper on the job. But Suzaku was… Suzaku was… he was just made of piss-Lelouch-off-in-a-can. Even CC had her limits—and that was saying something.

Suzaku leaned over on his knees, resting his chin in the palm of a hand.

Lelouch tugged at the front of his skirt a bit, painfully aware how eye-level it was with his seated audience.

Oh the things he suffered to hide from Kallen.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were a girl. And I _do_ know better."

A strangled cry gurgled in his throat.

Everyone in the store had, by now, seen him in his current outfit—complete with heeled boots and yellow ribbons in his hair to match his sleeveless top. The girls giggled amusingly and he caught more than one of them snapping a picture with their camera phones. The boys wagged their eyebrows at him suggestively—half-mocking and probably half-serious.

One of them came over and whistled, gorging his eyes on the sight before him, standing in front of the three-way mirror.

"I have to say, buddy, a boyfriend like _that_ could turn _anybody_ gay," he remarked, continuing to drink in the sight of Lelouch dressed in drag. He winked when Suzaku wasn't looking.

The I'm-going-to-quarter-you-and-feed-it-to-dogs vibes Lelouch sent bounced off that store-boy like water on a duck.

Suzaku laughed, getting up and signing the credit card bill. "I know, right? You know what else? He's got the tightest—"

"Suzaku!" Lelouch scolded, a scowl twisting his pretty features, cutting off any further unsanitary filth that might come out of that garbage disposal.

Winking at him, Suzaku pulled him close with a hand dangerously close to his bottom. Lelouch tensed a bit—feeling even more insecure about violations to personal space with such a low-cut skirt. The arm around him held him possessively and Lelouch squirmed uncomfortably.

He could feel the beginnings of an allergic reaction start to form.

And then he noticed the killing aura radiating off Suzaku.

(Lelouch had extensive experience with these kinds of auras.)

Suddenly the store boy was sweating more than just bullets. He swallowed and gave a stiff-lipped smile. "H-Have a nice day."

Lelouch had the feeling that a low-flying plane just passed over his head.

Without giving Lelouch further time to contemplate the silent exchange that had just transpired, Suzaku took him by the hand and they left the store, leaving the wet clothes with cleaners.

To say the least, Lelouch was confused.

* * *

The more they wandered around the mall, the less Lelouch felt conscious of his appearance and more aware that there was a terrible amount of pink in the mall today. Perhaps it was the fact that he had been forced to wear women's clothing on more than one occasion before, but somehow, the fact that he was in a skirt paled in comparison to the terrifying thought that—

It could be _her_.

She could be _anywhere._

He looked to the left. Traces of pink skirts were _everywhere_ and he couldn't keep track of them all. Any of them could be Kallen. It was her favourite colour—but apparently it was the favourite colour of many other girls today.

(Lelouch once pointed out the irony of how her favourite colour was pleasant and feminine and nothing at all like her.)

(It earned him a slap in the face that was borderline hospital-worthy.)

"Lelouch?"

"What? No," he responded immediately—a trained reaction growing up. "I mean, what is it?"

"Want to catch a movie?" Suzaku asked, nodding over towards the movie theatre they had stopped in front of.

Lelouch blinked, staring at the titles. Then he turned back to Suzaku and paled when he saw him wag his eyebrows suggestively.

It was _that_ look again.

He fought back a shiver.

Sighing, Lelouch shrugged his shoulders. There wasn't much else to do—he wasn't one for shopping since all the girls he ever went with would abuse his wallet more than just thoroughly every time. Shopping was always a disheartening potential date for him.

A movie, however, was a good way to waste time and had the double benefit of hiding from Kallen.

"Sure why not," Lelouch agreed, starting to walk into the cinema. "It's not like—"

"Hey, wat—" Blue eyes fluttered and widened just a fraction. "You…"

Kallen

Time to go.

Grabbing Suzaku's hand he spun around, whirling the long fake locks around in a circle, making fast tracks for anywhere but here. Fear fuelled his desire for survival and turned on the instincts every human being is designed with in the face of threat.

Choosing to glance over his shoulder, he could see traces of the blue-eyed devil getting swallowed up in the crowd he had managed to find, squirm through, and lose her in. Sure enough, he had lost sight of her.

He was safe for the moment.

Lelouch breathed a sigh of relief only to find—

Somewhere the light of a camera flashed.

For a few short seconds, Lelouch had a deer-in-the-headlights moment.

Uh oh.

A few things clicked in his head:

The glare of a bright, shiny camera lens.

The large circle of rather perplexed people now surrounding them.

The way his face was getting steadily redder.

And, of course, the blonde girl with the microphone eyeing him somewhat lecherously.

Needless to say, a small part of Lelouch died; right then and there.

"Mr Kururugi! What a surprise to see you here! Enjoying a day off—_my_ who's _this?_" she asked suggestively, drawing attention to Lelouch—who was still finding himself in a state of catatonia at all the horrifying thoughts fluttering through his head.

The label of a popular news station was pinned to her coat and marked on the camera.

Suzaku laughed it off lifting their connected hands, getting a better sense of the situation than Lelouch—clearly. "Well, you see…"

The reporter grinned like a cat that had just found a mouse: Covered in copious amounts of catnip—complete with whipped cream and cherry on top. She arched her perfectly tweezed eyebrows up in a highly interested manner.

"This is your new sweetheart then?"

Lelouch just about seized with fear, able to express just about none of it in light of the cameras pointed right at them—like a spotlight to the world. Right now, Lelouch would've given anything to just shrivel up and die, hoping his family wasn't watching this somewhere back in Britannia.

His sisters would never let him live it down.

Lelouch Lamperouge, declared sweetheart of another man while wearing a skirt and wig with little ribbons tied in it.

It was the stuff humiliation was made of.

The urge to run home and guzzle down a bottle of formaldehyde was overwhelming.

Suzaku turned to him and regarded him for a moment. The look of classic horror never left Lelouch's face. Turning back to the reporter, Suzaku beamed.

"Yes, he's my one and only."

Somewhere beyond the crowd that had gathered, Lelouch's heart skipped a beat as he caught sight of a familiar red head of hair, peeking around the crowded masses—straining for a look.

No way.

He had _lost_ her.

Lost people don't just show up and make your life worse.

(Especially when you went to lengths like _dressing up as a girl_ to hide from those types of people.)

But Kallen tended to have a penchant for doing just that.

Even so, he couldn't be sure.

"How sweet! How long have you two been going out? You recently—"

Lelouch stood on his tiptoes a bit to look—as fear pounded on his heart.

"—that you were single and searching! Just how on earth did you—"

No… he couldn't be sure.

"—spilled a drink on him. Took him out for dinner and we hit it off from—"

She turned.

_Oh God no._

It _was_ her.

Not _now._

_Please_ not now.

Lelouch's blood ran cold.

"How adorable! You two seem so perfectly matched for each other."

Suzaku laughed. "I like to think so. He's very precious—"

Lelouch's brain started to work furiously. No, she had nothing on him even if she caught him here. He had nothing to worry about; Kallen couldn't touch him. Kallen wouldn't pull something like murder in broad daylight, in front of cameras and a whole crowd of witnesses who could testify to a psychopathic lunatic doing just that.

Would she?

"Why don't you give the camera a kiss—"

Lelouch's attention snapped away from Kallen to Suzaku and back to Kallen.

All hail selective hearing.

"—with your new—"

His eyes widened.

Oh no.

"—sweetheart?"

Kallen's head, in slow motion, turned towards them.

Suzaku turned to him, smiling. "Sorry, but I don't think he wants our first—"

Panicking, Lelouch threw his arms around Suzaku's neck and pulled his face towards his in a kiss, swinging his body just enough to hide him from Kallen's sight—and the glare of the camera behind the reporter.

Kallen glanced in their direction and raised an eyebrow curiously at the crowd before shaking her head, turning back, and walking on.

Lelouch mentally sighed in relief.

Crisis averted.

And now for something completely different.

Specifically the 'something' attached to his lips.

Lelouch had closed his eyes, hoping it would make it all better—or at least more like a nightmare he could wake up from and forget all about the next day.

There was a sort of apprehension from the other side Lelouch never noticed (in light of his own horror) as Suzaku gingerly put both hands on his hips.

Wait for it.

Lelouch started to shake violently.

Wait for it.

Homophobic.

Levels.

_Dangerously_.

Rising.

Wait for it.

Warm lips pressed against his.

Hands placed gently at his sides.

Crowds of people cheering and cooing.

(And taking pictures.)

Cameras recorded his first-ever kiss with a gay man.

On national television.

Their lips came apart with a smack—no tongue, no spit, no nothing—and Lelouch blacked out, falling limply in Suzaku's arms. Suzaku struggled with Lelouch's dead weight for a bit before adjusting.

The reporter was staring with wide eyes and was slightly flushed in the face. The camera man had to jostle her a little back to reality.

Jerking, she whistled, turning back to the camera. "Wow. There you have it viewers, Mr Kururugi's first _hot_ kiss with his newfound love! Even Mr Kururugi looks a bit surprised from that one, aren't you?" she asked, turning the microphone back to him, winking.

Suzaku cleared his throat, fighting the swelling of emotions ranging from shock and surprise to disgust and abject horror at what happened—on national television. Taking a few more seconds to orient himself, he wished that _he_ was the one passed out right now, instead of Lelouch.

"Y-Yeah. S-Surprised is a word for it."

The reporter smiled. "And I suppose we won't be getting a word from _him_ any time soon, will we?" She winked with a glance towards the unconscious body hanging limply in his arms.

Hopefully Kaguya wasn't watching, Suzaku thought mournfully.

"N-No. Not for a while… I think."

Another smiled. The reporter turned around and finished off her broadcast off with a snap, passing it over to whoever was supposed to come next in the program on tonight's news.

The cameras turned off.

The camera crew shut down.

The crowds slowly dispersed.

Suzaku swallowed briefly, overcome with the powerful urge to go wash his mouth out with soap, disinfectants, and maybe rubbing alcohol. When he looked back at Lelouch—passed out in his arms—he sighed.

Perhaps this had gone far enough.

And then, looking around discreetly, he pulled out a camera and took a picture of Lelouch while he was still dressed as a girl with a blue skirt and ribbons in his hair. Suzaku could easily pass him off for a girlfriend if he ever had to.

This would make for a memorable day in his life.

* * *

Kallen sighed.

She was _so_ sure he was there. He was there and then he was gone. The worst part about it was that she had seen him more than once today—and for longer than just a little bit. Lelouch was like water—you could only hold it for so long and was damn hard to hit when you really wanted to.

Rolling over onto her stomach, she speed-dialled Milly Ashford again. The chipper girl had promised her a catch by Saturday after a few well-placed physical threats by Kallen were in place. Milly had tendencies to go overboard with things from time to time.

Lelouch deserved a lot of things, but a full dose of Milly Ashford was overkill even for her.

(Although it only took her a really quick recollection of her relationship with Lelouch to get there.)

_"Hello, Milly Ashford speaking."_

Kallen smiled; Milly hadn't answered her phone any other way in nearly seven years.

"Milly, it's Kallen. I called you earlier."

_"Kallen! Right. You were asking me about finding someone for you."_

"Yeah. Anything?"

_"Not really. I've been busy. Oh, you'll be surprised to know that Mr Kururugi bats for the other team now."_

Kallen deadpanned. _"What?"_

Milly giggled from the other end. _"Uh-huh. Even has a cute new sweetie-pie. I got to see the preview of that little piece at the station earlier. I thought 'she' was a 'he' because of the skirt. And damn; girl like THAT could make ANY woman switch sides. But then I looked a little closer at the bust—or lack thereof. Too bad he's taken. I would swoop in on THAT right away."_

Kallen stopped to think about this for a second—and then thought about her experience in the mall.

_"Gone to Japan for something stupid. Be back soon."_

_- CC and Lelouch._

No…

It couldn't be…

He _wouldn't_…

Wait.

_Would he?_

"Really? Suzaku never really struck me as… well… that type. He was always trying to stare down my shirt and lift my skirt as kids before I moved. Hell, _I_ was his first kiss."

Milly laughed over the phone. _"Yup! I remember that kiss too! I remember the black eye you gave him! He jumped right out of the closet on this one. Announced it on NATIONAL TV a while ago."_

Kallen raised her eyebrows momentarily, in disbelief at the news. "Wow. Shocking. Wait… you said he has a, er, boy already? Any idea what he looks like?"

_"Oh sure. By the way, sorry I couldn't make it to the wedding. I was really busy over here with the station."_

Kallen frowned at the memory. "Don't worry. He was a jerk anyway and we divorced a week later. So… Suzaku's new boy?" she prodded, not wanting to dwell on prior unpleasant thoughts.

At least he didn't make off with her virtue as well, she consoled herself with.

_"Right. Actually, you can catch a glimpse of him right now on TV. The news network."_

Kallen turned on the TV.

Blue eyes widened like saucers.

She had turned it on just in time to see a very girly-looking Lelouch—skirt, wig, ribbons, and all—throw his arms around Suzaku's neck that was suggestive of only one thing.

_"Cute, isn't he? Suzaku's such a lucky dog! Don't you think, Kallen? Kallen? Kallen~?"_

"Sorry, Milly, I have to let you go."

_"Why? What's wrong?"_

"I'll call you back later."

_"Hey, Kallen, don't you—"_

Click.

She speed-dialled her escort.

"Ougi, when is the next big event for the Sakura Group?"

There was a paused of silence. _"In a week, Miss Kouzuki. A birthday."_

"Put me on the guest list."

The answer was a prompt: _"Yes, Miss Kouzuki."_

_

* * *

_Comments:

This chapter was brought to you by Stupidity, the makers of Insanity and Indiscretion.

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.

Psst. And if you haven't already, go vote in my poll. The one on my profile page. Otherwise I'm deciding for myself and nobody wants me doing that.


	6. It's Called Propaganda

Pre-Comment: [Insert Recent Life Story Here.]

Okay, now that you're all caught up with me, let's answer some of your reviews en masse: Yes, no, maybe, thanks--I love me too, only if I want to, and I'll think about it. For everything. In no particular order. Now, if only my email was that easy to answer...

Enjoy Chapter Six.

* * *

Chapter Six: It's Called Propaganda

"SHUT UP!"

Wild, hysterical laughter continued to fill the room.

CC rolled over onto her stomach and clutched it, pounding the ground, gasping for breath. Her vision started blurring and it was about here she realized she had started tearing up again. Never in her life had she seen something as ridiculous as _that_.

While it was a universally known truth that news travels quickly, it was a much more broadly known corollary that news travels faster in Japan. There were many speculations as to why news like this tended to get around quicker than regular news. Reasons like peace was prevalent and business news could only make the front page so often. Another reason was due to the affluence of the Sakura Group and any news surrounding it was important to the country.

A final reason which, in all honesty, was much closer to the truth than any of the former was that Japanese really just loved gossip.

An unspoken and promptly denied truth.

"The f-f-AHAHAHA! F-Front page! _FRONT PAGE!"_

Lelouch threw another pillow at her, red-faced and pitching more anger than reason or sanity at the moment.

CC scrambled away quickly, leaning back against their couch and clasped a hand over her mouth, stifling (but in all honesty, not really trying to stop) her laughter.

Normally, Lelouch wasn't prone to violence of any sort. His physical prowess rivalled that of a newborn kitten; thus he wasn't likely to be able to fight off brigands of any sort any time soon. It was this primary reason that his temper was much more questionably moderate than the average person. Like anyone else, however, Lelouch drew lines. Some actions crossed lines and some didn't.

Wallpapering every visible inch of his bedroom with the front page of an eventwhichshallforeverremainnameless was one such line-crossing activity for him.

It wasn't such a surprise Lelouch had gone from zero to ninety on the anger scale in less than three when you considered the first thing to greet him that morning.

_'Sakura Group Leader Kururugi's New Love-Love Toy!'_

Humiliation never had a better definition.

While he was optimistic there had just been a silly typo on the last word, something told him it wasn't and hadn't been fixed on purpose even if it was.

"Don't you lie to me, Lelouch Lamperouge, you _loved_ it~!"

"I did not!" he screeched back, voice reaching impressive octaves.

_"Liar, liar, pants on fire~!"_

Lelouch lunged after her.

Scrambling to her feet, CC ducked around the back of the couch, trying to lose him around furniture_._

_"Hanging from a telephone wire~!"_

Growling, he jumped the couch and CC just barely slipped away, running over to the stair railing, high-tailing it upstairs.

Running after her with the intent of bodily harm, Lelouch yelled various obscenities at her unsuitable to be detailed out in a story with a 'T' rating.

Just as he reached the top, he tore down the hall towards her bedroom door and—

WHAM.

—got a face full of door.

Banging on the door once with his fist, Lelouch yelled, "CC, if you don't open this door, I'll—"

"You'll _what_, Princess Nancy?" she challenged. "Sick your boyfriend on me?"

That left Lelouch sputtering, clearly at a loss for the means to back up the million and one empty threats in his head.

And then he heard her inhale.

_"Liar, liar, pants on fire, hanging from a telephone wire~! Kissing fags~! Dressed in drag~! 'Fess up now 'cause the penalty's dire~!"_

With a growl of frustrated rage, Lelouch kicked the door to CC's room as she continued to sing in between laughs before he headed back downstairs. In a few moments, CC would calm down and come back downstairs once her hysteria died. He could already hear her perky little song wither away to the dredges of a fleeting, gasping high.

To take his mind off _certain events_ he decided to invest his time into doing something productive—like reading the letter so kindly addressed to him in semi-familiar handwriting.

It was black, cursive, and smelled faintly of lavender.

It was ominous.

Sliding the letter opener along the envelope, Lelouch pulled out the lilac-tinted piece of paper and slowly read it over.

His face lost its colour shortly after reading the address.

The amount of time he stood there, stiff as a board, was unknown, but he did register CC's arms snaking around his shoulders, tip-toeing to peer at the letter over his shoulder.

Snapping the letter closed, and away from her prying eyes, Lelouch headed for the door, leaving CC to stumble a bit from her anchor suddenly making to leave.

"Hey, what's the matter? Where are you going?"

Lelouch paused for a moment in putting his jacket on to regard her. "My—" A hand clasped over his mouth as if his gag reflex suddenly went off. "None of your business. I'm going to see Suzaku, I have to break up with him. Book a flight back to Britannia," he added, pulling his wallet out and tossing her his credit card. "We're going home."

CC's eyes widened. "We're _what?_ You're going to _what_ with Suzaku?"

"Breaking it off, I'll be back soon."

She reached out to pull him back for a better explanation. "Hey, wait, don't you dare break it off with our golden duc—"

SLAM.

Growling in frustration for a moment, CC huffed until her eyes fell upon the lilac-tinted letter. Picking it up off the ground, she read it.

Her eyes slowly widened and a grin spread across her lips.

_"Oh~"_

Picking up the piece of plastic he chucked at her earlier, CC made for the phone and speed-dialled number two.

"Yes, Pizza Hut? I'd like to order twenty large boxes of Triple Crown."

And suddenly CC found she didn't care so much about Lelouch dumping Suzaku.

* * *

_'…at about 3:32 in the afternoon, one Kururugi Suzaku shared a precious moment with his new beloved, Lelouch Lamperouge. Sources indicate that Kururugi has been courting Lamperouge since meeting the young man at a business mixer. A few friends of the couple have indicated that both are very much in love with each other and have plans for marriage in the future as well as possible adoption.'_

Suzaku sighed, rubbing his temple, lowering the newspaper down.

This was what he wanted, right?

A certain phrase regarding wishes and caution flitted across the surface of his mind.

Right now it was singing 'I Told You So.'

Turning back to his computer, he scrolled down the news feed further. Every other article was either questioning the identity of Lelouch or speculating on their so-called relationship. Judging by how the news forum had exploded with nearly a thousand new threads overnight with heated discussions on the topic of the day, Suzaku was right to assume Japan had nothing better to do than this.

Somewhat blankly, he looked back up at his assistant, still dictating from a stack of fresh letters sent to him. Many were without stamps as the senders had merely dropped it off at the company and addressed it to him.

" '…and I'd also like it very much if you both were more affectionate with each other in public. If you need ideas, I am very willing to offer them. For one, you can sweep him off his feet while staring deeply into his eyes while you kiss him passionately. Make sure you—uh—slide your tongue along his—erm. Later on you two can—' " Nina blushed. "Erm. 'Do _things_ with each other.' She was really quite, er, descriptive, sir." Nina coughed and cleared her throat before continuing, " 'I know a few great love hot—' "

"That's enough," Suzaku groaned, holding his hand up.

Nina folded the paper back politely and pursed her lips slightly. "Um. What shall I do about—"

"Toss them. Shred them. _Burn them_, for all I care!"

His assistant squeaked at his harsh tone. "I-I'm sor—"

Suzaku sighed, calming down. "No, _I'm_ sorry, Nina. Forgive me. It's not your fault. I don't care what you do with it all. If it's not important then just… just get rid of them."

Nina nodded and left the office without another word.

Although he hadn't heard from Kaguya all day—thankfully—his gut instincts told him she was probably too busy fanning the flames of all this media attention he was getting now.

Maybe taking the 'gay approach' wasn't the best idea he had come up with. It was great at first—he got less junk mail and it was a win-win situation all around. Now, he was getting _twice_ as much and seriously considering implementing a proper recycling procedure.

And then his phone rang.

Flipping it out, he checked the display.

Kaguya.

It was too good to be true.

"Hello?"

_"How was your first kiss with your hot new lover?"_

Suzaku sighed. "Kag—"

_"On national TV!"_

He hung up on her and put his phone to silent.

Once again, awful memories of yesterday surfaced.

For a brief moment he considered expanding into the niche market of flavoured soaps.

There seemed to be a need for it every now and then.

Like right now.

And then his secretary light came on. Flicking it, Suzaku leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his hair. "Yes?"

_"Sir, Mister Lampe—Hey! Sir, you can't go—"_

The double doors to his office opened and in strode Lelouch Lamperouge—looking somewhat terrified out of his mind and a little dishevelled. He stopped just in front of Suzaku's desk, placing both hands flat on the surface and leaning slightly.

Steadfast violet eyes connected with stunned green ones.

A few moments passed where Suzaku didn't know what to do or say.

Clearing his throat and swallowing a bit, he clasped his hands in front of him. "Lelouch, how good to—"

"I'm breaking up with you."

A pane of glass shattered somewhere in the background.

* * *

"What do you think? Red or gold?"

Milly tilted her head and hummed, scrutinizing both outfits held up for her judgement. Tapping her chin slowly in thought she swirled her finger magnanimously in the air before pointing to the red one.

"That one," she pointed out promptly after Kallen's eyes darkened from her indecision.

Kallen spun around to face the overly-large mirror. Holding the dress up to her, she tilted her head at it, envisioning herself wearing it.

The low-cut bust-line was one _obvious_ reason Milly wanted her to wear it. The very open back and how the dress would define her bottom quite clearly was the other.

It screamed 'Hey, look at me; I'm a woman of lesser morals, come harass me!' all over.

Well, _fantastic._

But it _did_ look good on her—she had to give it at least _that_ much credit.

Putting the red dress away, Kallen returned to her vanity and started to prepare her make-up. As she reached for her lipstick she was reminded of a fond memory. When she was dating Lelouch, he would often come inside and tell her that he preferred her without makeup because it brought out her eyes—and so she had often deigned not to wear any.

Sighing, she took the makeup remover and swathed her face all over.

Milly tilted her head the other way and blinked prominently in the background of the mirror. "Why did you just take off all your hard work?"

Kallen smiled nostalgically. "Because it brings out my eyes."

A soft smile. "You're right. It does. Miss him, don't you?"

Kallen scowled. "Miss who?"

"Your lover," Milly said easily, getting to her feet. She draped an arm around Kallen. Kallen merely sighed. "Do you _really_ want to cuff this guy so badly? It's obvious you're still in love with him."

Pursing her lips, Kallen frowned at that comment. She had been running high on rage, adrenaline, and various flavours of Pocky Britannia wasn't privy to since arriving in Japan (including a few she had never heard of (although the ketchup and jalapeno flavour was quite tempting, Ougi warned her against)). Rational thought was the last thing she wanted to (no confusion intended) think about.

Shaking Milly off, Kallen finished fixing her hair and slipped on the red dress, adding a dash of lip gloss before turning to Milly—already set in her golden Chinese-style dress with a black dragon curling around her.

"I don't want to think about that. He emptied a bank account and he broke my heart! You know what I found coming home one day? A divorce form taped to the door with his signature on it. I… I…" Kallen held a hand to her face as tears watered out of her eyes. "I just…!" She sniffed—unable to keep a steady voice.

Milly sighed and hugged her, tilting her chin up slightly. "Aren't you glad you didn't wear makeup? Come on, our visiting Chinese Princess has a birthday party which we have invites for."

Kallen nodded and headed out of the room, drying her tears with Kleenex—which was still a dumped girl's best friend next to chocolate and cake.

Boarding the limousine, they made quick tracks for the venue of tonight's celebrations.

* * *

Lelouch glared out the window, arms folded—on the opposite side of the limousine from Suzaku. The atmosphere was thick around them and the only reprieve Lelouch got out of this situation was the fact that his pervert ex-boyfriend's hands would no longer be anywhere near him after tonight.

It was actually a pretty comforting thought.

For a brief moment Lelouch thanked that fatal letter for reaching him.

On the other hand he cursed it to Hell and back because he _knew_ he could've gotten Suzaku's bank information in a few more weeks.

Then again, all the money in the world couldn't compensate him for acting _gay_ in front of—

But he wasn't going to think about that because it wasn't going to happen and he wouldn't have to.

"Lelouch, _please_—"

"No," Lelouch stated sharply.

Suzaku sighed and Lelouch saw him twiddle his thumbs for a few moments out of the corner of his eye. Turning back to Lelouch, he tried again, "But, I _really_—"

_"No,"_ he repeated, a little more insistently.

Another moment of awkward silence.

"I'm _sorry_. Whatever I did to hurt you, I'm _sorry._"

Idly, Lelouch's mind registered that this was probably the first and only time that word ever sounded sincere out of his mouth.

"Apology accepted and you're forgiven."

Suzaku sighed in relief. "Thank G—"

"But I'm still breaking up with you."

His shoulders slumped in defeat and Suzaku took to tapping his finger on the arm rest close to him.

When the limousine stopped, Lelouch didn't wait for the suited man—whose job was solely to open doors all evening (poor guy)—and stepped out into the chill night air. He could hear Suzaku scrambling after him from inside the limousine. Clearly, he had thought of another desperate attempt to make Lelouch change his mind.

Suzaku had chased after him and stopped him just before entering the building where the festivities would be held, on the top floor of a hotel the Shen Hu Group owned in town—up in the executive suite.

"I can't under—"

An arm was thrown around Suzaku and Lelouch forgot all about breaking up with Suzaku to stare at—

Holy Cow!

It was Fake Suzaku from way back whenever! (Wearing another white suit.) And—

HOLY MOTHER!

—CC!

She winked at him surreptitiously when the other two weren't looking.

Fake Suzaku grinned from ear to ear and CC giggled, hanging off his arm. She wore a black Chinese dress with matching gloves and amaryllis in her hair.

"Suzaku! You _dog_! What a catch! He's enough to make _anyone_ turn gay!" he exclaimed, winking at Lelouch and running lecherous eyes up and down appreciatively.

Lelouch's radar pinged softly.

Suzaku scowled. "Gino…" he growled threateningly.

Gino laughed, releasing Suzaku from his grip. "Oh, was I interrupting something? A _lover's quarrel_, maybe?"

Lelouch twitched.

Pressing his lips into a thin, flat line, Suzaku closed his eyes. "_Gino_…"

CC swatted at him playfully, giggling. "Hey now, Mr Weinberg, I just _might_ get jealous."

Gino laughed turning back to her, pulling a hand up and kissing it. "You just might have something to be jealous _of_ when there are guys like _him_ out there." Gino eyed him a little longer, wagging his eyebrows suggestively before pulling CC inside. "Don't forget that this is a _hotel_, Suzaku! I'll make sure to let Her Highness know if… _something_ comes up."

CC looked over her shoulder and stuck her tongue out a little at him.

Lelouch bristled slightly.

"Lelouch."

And then his attention was dragged back. Folding his arms obstinately, he looked away. "What? No."

"You're being unreasonable," Suzaku pleaded.

"I'm _never_ unreasonable."

Suzaku snorted. "Fine, you're being _stupid_."

Lelouch shot him a glare. "You know what, if you—"

"Suzaku!"

The second interruption made Lelouch start to consider that _perhaps_ the walkway wasn't the best place to have a _lover's spat._ For one, it obstructed traffic, and secondly it—

Kallen.

—was a really good way to meet people you didn't want to meet.

Lelouch paled.

In his mind he had exactly thirty seconds to live depending on how fast he could run and how good of a distraction he could create on the spur of the moment.

The taller blonde girl beside her who had called out to Suzaku brushed past and hugged him tightly before holding him at arms length, looking him over. "Look at you! Such a _man_!" She turned to look at Lelouch and skipped behind him, slipping her arms around his waist. "And look at your _beau!_ Such a hottie!" she gushed.

He jumped slightly, but was used to the invasive touch of women and—

A gloved hand gripped over his crotch.

"Whoa—!"

_"So well-endowed too,"_ Milly purred in his ear.

Suzaku hissed at her. "Milly Ashford…"

Milly threw her head back in laughter, pulling away from Lelouch—who wasn't sure who he should be taking cover from in this situation (a self-proven pervert, his sex-offender ex-boyfriend, or the lunatic clearly intent on one thing (his protection definitely wasn't it)).

"But really, Suzaku, where have you been hiding? It's been a while," she chided playfully, hands on her hips. "And, of course, you remember Kallen, don't you?" Milly winked—like there was a secret joke between them.

Lelouch took note that Suzaku knew Kallen as they exchanged greetings and pleasantries.

"She just arrived in Japan a little while ago for—what was it again?" Milly questioned, turning to Kallen.

Kallen smiled politely. "Business matters."

Business matters involving the tarring and feathering of one Lelouch Lamperouge: Lady-killer supreme and future addition to the greater echelons of roadkill.

And then she stepped towards Lelouch, holding her hand out.

Lelouch managed to suppress the urge to cower in fear.

"Kallen Kouzuki. Milly's told me a lot about you already… even if Suzaku hasn't," she added good-naturedly with a sideways glance at Suzaku.

Sweet heaven almighty; Kallen was actually being decent.

"It's nice to meet you…"

"Lelouch Lamperouge," Suzaku supplied, rolling his eyes—seemingly eager to get over with this reunion and continue harassing Lelouch if the tapping foot was any indication.

Lelouch hesitated, feeling the aura of killing intent positively radiate off Kallen's proffered hand. Something told him that hand was laced with acid just for him. His over-active imagination saw several images of his hand shrivelling up on contact.

The red dress she wore—which was much more low-cut than usual for her taste—was sleeveless and (other than her ability to maybe break every bone in his hand) held no possibility of discreetly hiding a knife or other weapon of some sort to cause him bodily harm.

He took her hand warily and shook it once firmly before letting go. "It's… very nice to meet you too… Kallen."

The smile on her face reminded him of the days he was dating Kallen—when she held little to no homicidal feelings towards him.

It wasn't a scowl.

It wasn't a frown.

It was a _smile_. (And not the evil kind.)

It was _weird._

And then the thought occurred to him that maybe she was just luring him into a sense of false security. Kallen was the type to do that sort of thing—and she was horribly good at it too.

"Anyway," Suzaku continued. "We'll see you girls inside. Lelouch and I… have some things to discuss. We'll chat later."

Milly looked from Suzaku to Lelouch and back again. Her lips split into a knowing grin. "Ah~ I see. Come, Kallen," she bid royally, "let's leave these lovers alone to deal with their… _delicate situations."_

Kallen smiled, taking Milly's arm and gave a slight curtsey to them both. "It was nice to see you again, Suzaku, I hope we can get some time to _chat_—" She looked his way. "—later."

No, the look of pure unadulterated evil shot his way was _not_ just Lelouch's imagination.

He watched them both—well really only Kallen—warily as they walked up the rest of the red carpet and disappeared into the building and out of sight through the glass doors.

"—listening to me?"

He snapped his attention back to Suzaku. He looked desperate and willing to do just about anything to salvage their capsizing relationship. The look on his face was testimony of only one subject of conversation.

Folding his arms stubbornly, Lelouch looked away. "No is no." he stated bluntly, turning to head inside the hotel, leaving Suzaku to sigh heavily and follow after him.

* * *

"Why _him?_" Lelouch hissed discreetly. Taking a sip from the red wine that was bountiful from server to server in fluted wine glasses, he gauged the length of Suzaku's speech, where it was at, and guessed he had another good four minutes on his own with CC.

Gino stood in the wings, prepared to give his congratulations to the youngest CEO in history on behalf of Schneizel el Britannia of the Britannia Group—who was thankfully not here. Again. Once again, thankfully.

Lelouch had learned from CC (who had learned it from Gino) earlier that Tianzi was more of a figurehead for the company. The real power lay with her vice president—Li Xingke—who was a cold-hearted, ruthless bastard whose only weakness and sense of humanity was Tianzi. This was good because Tianzi was the sweetest kid Lelouch had ever met.

It was an odd relationship and Lelouch found he didn't want to ponder it for too long.

CC giggled. "Because he's cute, available, and, believe it or not, we found each other arguing over the merits of provolone compared to Swiss." She winked. "I won."

Lelouch deadpanned, "I'm very happy for you. When did this happen and why didn't you tell me?" he questioned in a more urgent tone. "Do you know who that guy represents!?"

Another drink of wine.

Snorting, she folded her arms, turning her nose up away from him. "You didn't know until I told you five minutes ago, Nancy. Don't give me that."

"That's not the point!" Lelouch hissed. "He's affiliated to—"

"That's enough for you, young man." CC confiscated the only glass of wine he had tonight from his hands, draining the rest of the contents.

Lelouch opened his mouth to—

"We don't want any more _accidents_ do we?"

—shut it instantly.

Horrible suppressed images fluttered back through his mind.

Folding his arms frustratedly, Lelouch turned his eyes back on the stage where Gino was now present.

"At any rate, I don't like you being so involved this time. Especially not with him."

CC glared at him, pulling off another glass of wine from a wandering server and draining half with a displeased scowl on her face. "And why is that? You're not my father."

While CC didn't adhere to anyone's wishes—least of all his—she _would_ acquiesce them every once in a while if he made a good enough argument. Complete with sound reasoning and perfectly acceptable bribes.

Or if she just couldn't stand the whining any more.

(Lelouch found the latter to be cheaper and easier to obtain.)

"Because…"

CC folded her arms expectantly.

Lelouch looked away from her. "Because he's not good enough for you."

CC's eyebrows shot up in surprise before lowering. A warm smile replaced her scowl of disapproval. Snaking an arm up his chest and around his neck, CC kissed him lightly on the cheek.

"Alright then, I'll listen, Daddy." She winked.

Before Lelouch could say anything, arms seized his middle possessively and pulled him up against a broad frame and away from CC.

Typical repulse reactions kicked in.

CC laughed and her shoulders shook. Flipping her hair casually, she placed the unfinished glass of wine back in Lelouch's hand.

"Looks like I'm being hated. I'll see you later, Lelouch." CC winked again, more suggestively, and slipped away.

A kiss was placed against Lelouch's cheek, right where CC had kissed him earlier. Lelouch shuddered slightly and his mind blanched. It was creepy how familiar his touch was getting to be—still as revolting as the first day he met Suzaku—but recognizable enough for him to recognize who it was.

Even so.

It didn't stop his chastity-preservation instincts from kicking in as he struggled.

Suzaku tightened his grip. "Don't leave me. Not for her. Don't think I didn't see you two from the front—hiding all the way in the back here."

The anxious tone in his voice made Lelouch feel a type of guilt he wasn't really accustomed to. Part of it was that this would be the first time he left a job halfway done. The other part of it was that he was accused of leaving the job for completely unrelated reasons.

(A third part was all the money he was leaving behind. In Lelouch's mind it was crying.)

Usually, CC went unnoticed. The girls never knew who she was and he never enlightened them of her presence. So Suzaku catching _her_ and assuming that _she_ was the other 'person,' since he was gay (which he wasn't) thinking Lelouch was gay (which he also wasn't), never crossed his mind as a red flag to avoid.

But maybe Suzaku thinking this wasn't such a bad thing. Technically, he _was_ leaving the country with her to head back home.

"Have… you two met?"

Suzaku nodded—Lelouch could feel it on his shoulder. "I've been to your house twice and she was there both times. Speaking of which…" Suzaku reached for the wine glass and drained it. "None of that for you."

Lelouch scowled but made no protest.

Clearly, he wasn't allowed wine.

(With good reason.)

"Suzaku, we aren't—"

"I love you," Suzaku whispered hotly into his ear.

A trump card.

Number eight in a game of crazy eights.

Get Out of Breaking Relationship Free Card.

"That…"

Lelouch looked around for an escape. CC was a little ways over, watching quietly before sliding her gaze back up on the stage where Gino was still delivering a speech on behalf of certain individuals with less social inhibitors than the average person. Everyone else had their attentions also transfixed up on the stage.

"…doesn't—"

Suzaku spun him around in his arms and held his eyes. "Don't say my love doesn't matter, Lelouch!"

Lelouch's eyes widened. He had heard that before—from someone else; from someone very important to him; from someone just before he sh—

_Don't say my love doesn't matter, Lelouch!_

And suddenly he wasn't staring at Suzaku anymore.

Unshed tears filled his eyes.

"I—"

"—Mr Britannia would also like for us all to take a moment of silence to commemorate a death in his family," Gino announced from the stage, clasping his hands and bowing his head solemnly.

Lelouch's head snapped over as eyes flew up to the stage and his heart seized.

A cold chill washed over him and his eyes widened while everyone else bowed their heads respectfully. Worrisome thoughts flew by at mile a minute as he started to convulse slightly.

There was a _death_ in the family?

He suddenly felt sick to his stomach and guilt filled his conscience—that he couldn't be reachable for something like this—that this had to be second-hand knowledge for him. He held a hand over his mouth, afraid he would throw up as his stomach started to churn.

Which one of his family had died?

Terror and dread shook him and the next thing he knew Suzaku was shaking him with a worried look in his eyes. He asked softly, "Lelouch, are you alright?"

"I'm—"

"Who was it that passed away?" someone in the crowd near the front asked politely.

Gino blinked and looked back at the note, eyes scanning the message.

Lelouch held his breath.

"Oh, ah Lulu—"

His eyes widened. His family thought he was—

"His… pet spider," Gino continued. He fidgeted slightly, clearly embarrassed by the admittance.

Crickets could be heard chirping.

"Lelouch, are you—"

"I'm fine," he stated, cutting Suzaku off. "I just…" Anger bubbled momentarily and then died with the realization that the only outlet was thousands of miles across ocean in another country on another continent. Probably laughing. "It's nothing."

That evil eight-legged demon had been the cause of many a nightmare and quite a severe case of arachnophobia. What was worse was that Schneizel had named his beloved _monster_ after him.

Even so, Lelouch had to thank Schneizel in the back of his mind for bringing him back to reality with this stupid distraction.

No matter how much he still wanted to kill him for everything he was put through.

Once again, he pushed the traumatizing, pie-filled childhood memories to the back of his mind.

And then he saw the handkerchief Suzaku was holding dab at his face.

Lelouch blinked and realized something.

"You're crying," Suzaku stated simply. "Tell me why you want to break up, Lelouch. 'Just because' isn't a good enough reason for me."

"I just—"

"Hey, Suzaku."

Liquid fear filled Lelouch's veins.

(And, honestly, was he not allowed to finish a sentence longer than a few words?)

Suzaku tore away from him reluctantly to see Kallen. "What's up, Kallen?"

Turning to regard her, Lelouch recognized the sharp glint of mal-intent sparkling in her eyes.

"Can I talk to you?"

Lelouch turned away. "In that case, I'll—"

_"Both_ of you?"

A red timer in Lelouch's head turned on like the countdown for those bombs in movies; it flashed 'You have exactly fifteen minutes to live' in a red, threatening glow. Just like in the movies he was also given a choice: Red or blue?

Unlike in the movies, though, both options would probably detonate the bomb anyway.

* * *

Comment:

_I_ would name my pet spider Lulu if I didn't have a real case of arachnophobia too. And the other half of _that song_ was my own pain-staking doing. Completely mine.

Okay, so guys, I've given you a lot here; tell me a joke. Leave it in your review. First person to make me **belt out laughing** gets something _special _from the next chapter. You've seen six chapters of stupid stuff that amuses me. Come on, can't be that hard.

And also, I'm curious, what kind of fruits do you guys like? I prefer lychee and coconuts myself. Better yet, surprise me, tell me about a fruit I might not have heard of. I'm a fruity kind of person. (Pun intended.)

Anyway, see you in Chapter 7.

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.

(Wait a minute, I have to write a Chapter 7??)


	7. Some Call her Lilith

Pre-Comment: [Insert Typical Lengthy Writer QQ and General Other QQ Here.]

Okay, so anyway, I'm starting to get really bored with this and with my stupid humour that's really, really rampant throughout this story. In order to fix that, I'm going to go photoshopping just about everything I see until my head explodes. This means I'm putting this story on a haitus. No, I mean a 'haitus.' But I guess it's really 'haitme' since there's no 'us.'

Thanks for your misunderstanding and unwilling cooperation--and for all the jokes from the last chapter.

* * *

Chapter Seven: Some Call her Lilith

Inspecting the polished mahogany surface for any imperfections, Lelouch let out a breath of relief. Placing the back of his black, silk-gloved hand across his warm forehead he turned to look out the window enviously. The sky was blue and nearly cloudless. It was the kind of day he'd rather spend sleeping in—not polishing floors, banisters, tables, and everything that could turn into a mirror with enough polish and elbow grease.

Ugh.

Housework.

That was a wi—

You know, let's just not go there.

Moving along to the next room, Lelouch felt his shoulders fall of their own accord, looking at the ominous task set before him: Organization. Piles of books were lying everywhere casually. Some were opened. Some had bookmarks placed neatly in them. Others were stacked in piles that resembled Jenga way too much in a don't-touch-me-or-you'll-be-_sorry_ kind of way.

And then there was that small, whining meow from behind him caused his eyebrow to twitch.

Lelouch slowly turned around, for fear of assault.

It was _still_ there.

Like it had been for the entire morning—following him like a meowing evil shadow.

Swallowing, he turned back around and back at the books on the floor.

He sighed.

His life had hit rock bottom.

No really, it had.

Making his way around the piles on the floor, he easily saw the five stacks of books that needed organizing onto the shelves—marked out with blue Post-It notes on the topmost book. Peeling the empty note off, Lelouch started with the first pile, then the second and finally the rest, taking his time and occasionally reading a few of the more interesting books.

He wasn't told anything about not slacking off and he was pretty sure Sayoko did it often.

No one could possibly be that diligent.

The sun was starting to make its way slowly into the western horizon and the nearby clock told him it was nearly time to prepare for dinner, and so he headed to the kitchen.

Another blue Post-It note on the otherwise flawless fridge detailed out what was to be made for dinner tonight. 'Noodles' was scrawled elegantly in Sayoko's neat, crisp cursive.

He turned to the cat who sat there, looking up at him expectantly.

"Shoo." Lelouch moved to nudge it with his foot when it stood up and he shrieked slightly, withdrawing it.

(It would be good to mention Nunally's cat, Angel, had given him more than just a few scratches, including an unnatural aversion to cats just outside the legal diagnosis of a phobia.)

The cat sat back down and Lelouch grumbled, determined not to get on this cat's bad side and exhibit his appealing scratching post qualities; qualities Angel had exploited to the fullest extent of her very, very sharp claws and evil fickle nature.

He was hoping Arthur—Suzaku's cat—wasn't having the same ideas.

"Fine. Stay there, just don't come near me."

Lelouch turned towards the task at hand. He had made noodles before. CC liked his home-made pizza better, but she would still always compliment his cooking thoroughly, honestly, and affectionately whenever he did. He knew he had to cook every once in a while otherwise she would die of malnourishment from Pizza Hut and he'd have that weigh on his conscience for the rest of his life.

Inside the fridge were the noodles as well as condiments and other raw ingredients for food. Lelouch's eyes lit up at the salmon still sealed in its packaging. He poked it slightly. It was fresh.

After frying up the noodles, he smoked the fish. Just as he was about to flip the noodles, something warm and fuzzy wrapped itself around his leg and Lelouch jumped—thus making the pan do the same, causing the oil to bounce and burn his skin.

Hissing, he pulled his burnt fingers it into his mouth before running cold water at the fountain into a basin and dipping his hand in to soothe the burn.

"Wow."

Lelouch pulled a face and didn't need to look to know who was there.

Probably smirking.

That _ass._

While Lelouch _really_ didn't want to know what provoked a 'wow' response from him, regardless of warnings regarding cats and their damned curios—

"Wow what?"

He grinned. "Arthur really likes you. He's usually only friendly to girls. Everyone else is a scratching post."

If you listened really closely you could hear the last dredges of Lelouch's claim to masculinity flush down the drain.

Well wasn't that just wonderful?

Just _fantastic._

It just couldn't _possibly _be better: He was being stalked by a cat, pretending to be gay for money, getting sexually harassed every six minutes, had been roped into doing _this_, and was now effeminate enough to fool animals.

Life was _grand._

Lelouch turned back to the food with carefully hidden death threats murmured under his breath as he added salt and pepper to the food, while one useless hand soaked in a bucket of cold water he filled.

"Is there something you want?" he asked irritably, pulling his hand out of the water to flip the food in the pan.

Arms circled around him and he felt something tug at the fake tail he wore.

His face turned a brilliant shade of scarlet.

Because he had started forming an allergic reaction to Suzaku's touch and it was rising to his cheeks. While he hadn't thought about it, the reaction had probably manifested to replace his suppressed defence mechanism against degenerates like Suzaku.

It itched ridiculously.

The kind of itch that made you want to scrub yourself clean with iron wool and strong cleaning detergent—of the strong variety that had at least eight steps telling you how to upchuck it if ingested.

Lelouch wanted to go home.

And then there was always that little voice in his head that would then say: 'But the money! The _money!_ You didn't suck up being a princess this long for nothing!'

And that was the end of his lapse of homesickness.

"I want _dinner,"_ was cooed softly in his ear, licking it.

But still, there were some actions that continued to cross lines.

Lelouch jumped again and cursed as oil splashed on his arm (he had taken the silk gloves off as a fire hazard).

Suzaku snatched up his hand and placed his tongue against Lelouch's forearm where the oil splattered.

A chill of mortification ran up Lelouch's spine as his rash spread before he snatched his arm back away from Suzaku—resisting the urge to tear away at his skin until it bled.

"You'll have to wait," he said briskly, flipping the noodles as if he hadn't just been sexually harassed. Again. "It's almost done."

With a dramatic sigh, Suzaku leaned away from him, heading back towards the kitchen entrance. "Fine. By the way, you look good in that outfit—especially with those ears and that foxy tail."

Suzaku left in time to avoid the potential hazard of the knife now sticking out of the wall on a horizontal angle where his head once was.

Lelouch growled, cursing his internal sense of fair play and paying back debts, as well as his weakness to looks which should be banned.

Naturally, Kallen was to blame for all this as he thought back to last night and flipped the noodles again.

While Suzaku and Lelouch (Lelouch reluctantly) followed Kallen out onto the rooftop of the building, Lelouch had been praying to every god and deity he had ever heard about (including a few he had made up on the spot). He had promised he would do whatever penance (a promise he later regretted) it took only if he could survive this life-threatening encounter with a crazy ex-wife.

(None of that, ironically enough, carried even a hint of remorse of any kind for stealing Kallen's money.)

When Kallen stopped walking, Lelouch started fidgeting slightly and considering possible methods of escape from—possibly two—murderous psychopaths.

(Lelouch, you lied to me? How could you? I confessed and everything!)

(Suzaku, you hold him, I'll punch. After ten we'll switch.)

It was a rather unpleasant thought.

Lelouch wondered why he was walking out here willingly instead of running away, because this _probably_ wasn't going to end well for him.

Escape routes sounded really good right about now.

These escape routes included, but were not limited to: Jumping off the edge of the building, faking a heart attack, and screaming fire as loudly as possible (which was a questionable tactic seeing as how the fire exits were closest to the crowd of people still inside, and those around him would easily see through it).

"What's wrong, Kallen? Tell me." Suzaku asked, first breaking the silence.

When Kallen turned around, she did just that.

It was _long_.

It was _epic_.

It felt like she was stabbing him over and over again with words alone.

It was unpleasant.

Lelouch made a mental note that Kallen had the memory of an elephant because she had even brought up the Cooler Incident.

(An event which, of course, comes with the cursory—)

Don't ask.

There was a long moment of silence where: Kallen just stood there—red-faced and ready to dish out some serious hurt—Suzaku looked like he might crack and do the same at any given moment, and Lelouch really started going over 'I'm too young to die' thoughts in his head.

What happened next he never would've expected.

Slowly, slowly, _painfully_ slowly, Suzaku folded his arms. And then he sighed. And then he—

"So what?"

Kallen's mouth dropped open in shock.

Yeah, hers wasn't the only one.

_"So what!?_ So what!? What do you mean _so what!?"_ she shrieked, sheer anger colouring her face an unattractive shade of cherry red.

Lelouch didn't like the look in her eyes. _At all_.

And he was pretty sure they were blue, not that orangey, evil-looking colour they were glowing.

She advanced forward and Lelouch yelped, jumping behind Suzaku for cover. Kallen wound her fist back and—

"I'll tell you _so what!_ I'm going to pound that damn little pretty boy's—"

"Sorry, my dear, but you won't be hitting his pretty face today."

—widened her eyes as it smacked uselessly against Suzaku's palm.

Kallen looked livid.

And that was like saying Armageddon was coming.

She swung with her other hand.

And it was blocked easily with Suzaku's other arm, twisting to grip her forearm disarmingly.

Blinking in confusion, she growled (in an impressively feral sort of way, Lelouch had presence of mind to _not_ add vocally) and tugged at her restraints, to free her weapons from Suzaku's grip. Lelouch watched the events unfold before him with a surprised sort of awe and the revelation that Suzaku made a pretty good shield against things (or pissed off, crazy ex-wives) intent on killing him.

"Why are you protecting that asshole!?" Kallen screeched furiously, unable to do anything else, continuing to try and free her hands. Kallen didn't like feeling helpless, and having the ability to maim and destroy taken away from her wasn't helping. "He's a jerk! An idiot! A traitor! A… A… _Why_ are you protecting him!?"

Suzaku merely smiled patiently and understandingly until Kallen was spent from yelling obscenity after obscenity that was illegal in some states and just a few countries.

_"Why…?"_ she gasped, shoulders slumping in defeat.

"Because I love him," he replied calmly once the storm had spent itself.

And that shocked everyone.

(Even though it was the second time Lelouch heard it aside from a few moments ago.)

Kallen blinked. Her eyebrows knit together helplessly. "You _what?"_

Suzaku's voice was calm and steady, "You heard me. You might have been my first kiss and first crush—" Oh, so _that_ was their connection. "—but he's my first love."

The only thing you could hear up on the roof for a while was the blowing wind.

"Really?" Kallen whispered as Suzaku let go of her hands. They dropped uselessly to her sides as Suzaku nodded.

Slowly, Suzaku stepped aside, and Lelouch's eyes widened, wondering if he had been sentenced to death after all. Whatever the reason, Lelouch realized he was now alone in this. Kallen stepped forward and wound her hand back.

"Kallen, please, don't be hasty—"

CRACK.

The acute sensation of pain spread out heatedly across his face as he was suddenly looking somewhere to his right.

It hurt just as much as last time.

And then hands cupped his face and he was pulled into a gentle kiss. His eyes widened and Lelouch found his face connected to Kallen's as she kissed him. A deer-in-the-headlights sensation overtook him by storm.

Softly, she whispered, "I still love you, Lelouch Lamperouge—even though you're such a stupid, stupid, BEEP, BEEP—" (It didn't take much to imagine a black censor bar across her mouth) "—BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, stupid _douche_," she said in an angrier tone, smacking him against the head again—albeit lighter. "I can't help but still love you."

Face still stinging from the earlier slap, Lelouch winced. "I'm sorry, Kallen."

Kallen's shoulders slumped. "I know you are. You always are. You're such a jerk to me, but I still love you. It makes me wonder if _I'm_ the idiot."

Smiling softly at her, Lelouch touched a hand gently to her cheek, brushing away the tears slipping down her cheeks.

Suzaku made a point by clearing his throat.

Shaking her head, Kallen stepped back, wiping her eyes. Turning back to Suzaku, Kallen let out a long sigh and threw her head back to stare at the inky night sky before smiling.

"Take care of this idiot, Suzaku—he may be an ass sometimes…" Kallen smiled, turning back to Lelouch. "But I think he's still worth it."

Suzaku smiled. "I'll keep that in mind."

Kallen started to walk away, stopping a few metres away. "Kururugi!" she suddenly yelled, commando-style.

Suzaku stiffened, standing at attention, looking like he was resisting the urge to salute.

"_No one_ is allowed to make him cry but me; _understand_?"

Lelouch could see a shiver run down Suzaku's spine.

And all Lelouch could do was think: That's right, _I_ dealt with that for a whole _year_ PLUS _marriage_.

(Even if it was only a week.)

"I'll hunt you down and kill you otherwise," she finished, never losing that threatening tone from her voice.

"Y-Yes, Ma'am."

Wow.

He stuttered.

Lelouch took careful note: Kallen Stadtfeld vs. Suzaku Kururugi—Kallen wins.

On every day that ends in a 'Y.'

Only one thought ran through Lelouch's head at this:

_Thank God she's on my side now. Thank God she's on my side now. Thank God she's on my side now. Thank God she's on my side now. Thank God she's on my side now. Thank God she's on my side now. Thank God she's on my side now._

And Kallen was gone.

Lelouch then found himself alone with Suzaku on the roof. A sense of overwhelming gratitude towards Suzaku bubbled in his chest. It felt strange. Lelouch wasn't the kind of person who thanked people for anything—usually because people had aversions to doing nice things for someone who had just duped them out of extravagant amounts of cash. (It was an unwelcome side effect of the job, but money was always a great pick-me-up cure for remorse over that.)

So, he turned to Suzaku with a genuine, awkward smile on his lips, "Tha—"

"Do you still want to break up?" Suzaku asked despondently, looking away—a look of hurt crossing his face.

Kicked Puppy Look Inc. All rights reserved.

And suddenly Lelouch felt like every bit the jerk Kallen knew him to be.

If he just dropped Suzaku now, he'd feel even worse since Suzaku had just defended him from the living embodiment of the apocalypse come early.

Not only that, but Suzaku l—that 'L' word—him.

And there was also the money telling him it was all smooth sailing from here.

Ugh.

He'd have to somehow deal with _that_.

Somehow.

_Somehow._

The guilt of that copyrighted look was too much for him.

"I… maybe… I was too hasty with… that. I mean, for that, just now, I sort of… owe you… a favour, I guess."

Before he could say anything else, Suzaku crossed the distance between them and Lelouch ended up being hugged by Suzaku.

It was quick and Suzaku stepped back, looking him over appraisingly. Humming, he grinned.

Uh oh.

Lelouch didn't like the look in his eyes at all.

"Well then… about that favour; what are your measurements exactly?"

_Right_.

_That_ was why he was now wearing a cat costume complete with ears and tail of matching colour. It was regular cotton but it clung to his skin like spandex in all the wrong ways and Lelouch was pretty damn sure it was a size smaller than it should be.

Lelouch growled again, walking over to retrieve the knife stuck in the wall.

He had always been very good with knives.

And he was reminded agonizingly of someone _else_ who was very good with knives.

Wedging it out of the wall carefully, he examined the damage.

Sigh.

Sayoko wouldn't be happy about that hole there.

* * *

_"Why didn't you tell me that a week ago? You ass! I'm already back in Britannia!"_

Suzaku laughed. "Because you would've _indefinitely_ killed him if I did. I know you, Kallen, don't deny it."

She huffed from the other end. _"But still, this doesn't make me happy about the situation. You pulled it off really good too—I TOTALLY thought you were serious about that 'love' thing."_

"The confession?"

_"Yeah."_

He scoffed. "That? That's _nothing_. You should've seen me when I was consolidating all the Sakuradite resources under my roof. My father was a politician, and my mother spent the latter years in her life talking to priggish company executives all day. Acting is in my _blood."_

And it was true.

Kallen giggled. _"You had ME fooled, for sure. You think Milly saw through it?"_

Suzaku shrugged, even though the gesture was lost on Kallen—Kallen being at least a thousand miles away in another country. "I don't know. Maybe. I never know what goes on in that head of hers."

_"Why go through all that trouble? To keep him around, I mean. It doesn't make sense."_

"Well, here's how I see it: Japan will eventually get used to the fact that I am no longer single—or straight—and the girls will have to all just give up on me. It's only been, what, two-ish months? If I end this stupid thing now I'll get even _more_ junk mail with condolences and other people asking for his contact information and whatnot."

_"That's kind of selfish, Suzaku. What about Lelouch? What if he falls for you?"_

"Pfft. Do you really believe that?"

_"I don't know. I'm just pointing it out as a possibility. How about you? What if YOU fall for HIM? He's got those girlish good looks covered after all."_

Suzaku felt like throwing up.

Just a little.

"Why does everyone say that? Look, my mail isn't the only reason I'm keeping him around. He's pretty fun to humiliate—and it's pretty damn easy too."

_"You're kind of a douche, too, Suzaku. Now that I think about it—sitting here listening to all this. He's not going to be happy when he learns that you were straight this whole time."_

"What, are you defending him? Actually? After everything he's done to you."

_"You're right, I shouldn't be. I'm just saying, Suzaku; karma has funny ways of getting back at people."_

Suzaku frowned.

This wasn't what he had expected. He expected Kallen to be laughing with him, to be on his side. With her history with Lelouch he thought she would be taking amusement in all this instead of reprimanding him for his unlawful behaviour.

It was like a mother scolding her child.

It left him with an uncomfortable feeling.

What he was doing wasn't _wrong_.

Per se.

Whatever _Lelouch_ was doing was _wrong_. _He_ was the one who started this mess. Suzaku was just playing along for the hell of it.

"I don't see why you're so angry about this, Kallen. It's not like I'm causing any harm. Just having a little fun with him. That's all."

Kallen sighed and he imagined her frowning. _"You stupid boy! Don't you ever think about anything at all? How would YOU feel if someone said 'I love you' like that and was faking it in the end? I know what it's like to be that person, Suzaku. Those are the kind of things you say only if you really mean it. You just might be more of an ass than he is."_

There was a silence between them. Suzaku idly grabbed a pen and tapped it, feeling like he had just been sent to his room with no dinner.

Kallen was the first to break the silence, _"Anyway, I have to get going, Suzaku. There's a meeting I'm already late for. I'm the CEO's daughter so I can get away with a lot, but missing it is out of the question."_

"Alright, that's no problem," Suzaku acknowledged in a defeated tone.

Kallen had effectively killed his interest for humiliating Lelouch—who he had finally wheedled into wearing that purple cat costume with the discovery that Lelouch had a real exploitable weakness for that Kicked Puppy Look.

_"By the way, I meant what I said back on the roof. You make him cry and I'll kill you."_

"I'll remember that."

_"Like I said, karma has a funny way of dealing with things. Bye, Suzaku."_

"Yeah… I'll talk to you later, Kallen."

With the end of the phone conversation, Suzaku was left thinking about what she said. Kallen was the last person he expected to scold him over such a silly thing—especially after what the guy did to her. Shouldn't she be feeling some sort of triumph? Some sort of revenge? Passively at least? Even though she wasn't really the one exacting the revenge?

Although getting Kallen's revenge hadn't been Suzaku's intention with Lelouch, it happened as a result in a roundabout way.

It was an unsettling thought and Suzaku didn't know how to deal with it. Up to now he hadn't thought whether this was right or wrong. He had to concede Kallen's point though—he _wouldn't_ appreciate someone saying things like that if they didn't mean it.

Wait.

Didn't Kaguya mention something about this before giving him advice?

Something about messing with Lelouch's heart and how that was wrong?

But Lelouch was doing the same so it was alright.

Right?

_Right?_

Suzaku groaned.

His rebuttal back then sounded _so much_ better than it did now.

It felt like his guilty conscience was finally catching up to him.

He just wanted less mail. And entertainment.

Innocent enough, right?

Well, now that he was thinking about it, he supposed there _was_ a third reason. What he didn't tell Kallen was that he also liked spending time with someone his own age for once, as opposed to thirty and forty-year-old men, since graduation. It was a nice change, one he especially didn't want to lose even if it meant pretending to be gay.

So when Lelouch said he wanted to end it, Suzaku started pounding on the panic button and pulled out the trump card, hoping it would work. He didn't even really know the reason why Lelouch wanted to end the faked relationship between them. Did he know Suzaku was actually straight? Did he run into some kind of trouble and need to go home?

More importantly, why did Lelouch cave to him wanting to keep it going?

Was it really just because he saved him from a homicidal maniac or was it—

_Oh God._

Lelouch wasn't _actually_ falling for him was he?

Somewhere in the back of his mind he could see and hear Kallen and Kaguya laughing their socks off.

(Kaguya was probably intent on taking pictures after.)

And then the dinner bell rang, shattering that image in his mind.

Loosening his tie, Suzaku pulled it off his collar, signalling the end of his personal work day and left it on the desk where he always did. Sayoko had always gone around at night collecting his various ties on the various desks he left them on—for he always found them neatly pressed, ironed, and back in his wardrobe within the day. It wasn't work without a tie for him, and consequently, it wasn't relaxation if it was with a tie.

So, when he opened the door to his smaller, personal dining room, seeing Lelouch wearing the outfit Sayoko had prepared for him tore a well-contained stitch in his side, Suzaku was very glad he wasn't wearing a tie.

Not only that, but seeing Lelouch thoroughly pissed while wearing it also made him forget all about his recent and sudden guilt trip.

It was also a good deal of reassurance to see so much hatred built up on Lelouch's face that Lelouch _was not_ in love with him.

Very reassuring indeed.

Lelouch stood beside his chair, positively glaring death from those violet orbs of violent intent. The silver tray he had brought the meal in on was held conservatively in front of his lap with both gloved hands.

When Suzaku sat down without a word, he slipped in a tug at Lelouch's tail and enjoyed the small shriek of protest from Lelouch as he reflexively took a step away.

Unable to do otherwise, Suzaku laughed. "I really could get used to this. Waking up every morning seeing you dressed like that serving me breakfast in bed. Won't you marry me, sweetheart?"

A hiss of anger bubbled at the back of Lelouch's throat and didn't go unnoticed as Suzaku started eating, fanning out the paper next to his meal for his perusal.

Clearing his throat, Lelouch pulled out a piece of folded paper he had tucked away in a silk glove.

"I've finished arranging the library, polishing the banister, organizing the file room, and everything else Miss Sayoko gave me instructions to do. Including everything you asked me to do this morning."

"Okay," he acknowledged, making a mental note to harass Lelouch about his home-making skills later on in the relationship.

His cooking really _was_ good.

Lelouch blinked and a dainty frown of disapproval pursed his lips.

"You're… not going to check it over? See if I did it right?"

Suzaku didn't even look at him.

No doubt Lelouch wouldn't have done as thorough a job as Sayoko possibly could, but he didn't really care right now in light of other amusements—like making Lelouch as uncomfortable as he humanly and possibly could.

"No," he deadpanned, returning to the news that was no longer centered around him and dissecting his love life.

Anger and confusion of a sort furrowed Lelouch's brow as he frowned. "Then why did you tell me to do all that useless stuff this morning?"

Sitting back, Suzaku tapped his chin in thought for a moment—pretending to think it over.

And then he smiled as candidly as was possible.

"Because I wanted to."

Which was a nicer way to say: I Did it For the Lulz.

Lelouch growled and Suzaku was—_"You stupid ass!"—_caught off-guard as Lelouch lunged for him with intents to kill.

* * *

"No, definitely the purple one," she pointed out, tapping the image on the magazine being held out to her.

"Of course. And what about that issue with—"

"Don't mention that name to me, Jeremiah; you _know_ what I think about _that_."

Jeremiah nodded in silence respectfully. "So, Miss, what has brought us to Japan? You were quite vague about the reasons… and still very much distressed."

Sighing, she slumped her shoulders dramatically in despair, placing fingers delicately on her temple. The other hand was held bracingly over her heart—as if it might give out at any moment. "My darling Lelouch is in desperate need of my love."

Jeremiah blinked as he seemed to think for a bit. Understanding broke the cloud of confusion misting over his eyes. "Ah, Lelouch. A fine boy. What makes you say that?"

Another dramatic sigh. "He's gone astray and run off with a _slattern_ on me. I am _quite_ distressed over it, Jeremiah."

Jeremiah blinked. "Miss, are you sure? Lelouch isn't the type of—"

The crack of newspaper unfolding the front page of a recent issue was fanned out in front of him.

_'Sakura Group Leader Kururugi's New Love-Love Toy!'_

She appreciated the way Jeremiah's eyes widened instantly.

He took the newspaper from her and inspected the image closer.

"Miss, this could be _any—"_

"I recognize that delicate frame better than _anyone_, Jeremiah. I have cuddled with that boy at night more than _anyone_ else has growing up."

Fact.

_"That_ is definitely my darling Lelouch." She slapped the page with the back of her hand. "Look at how far he's gone astray! My poor Lelouch is _starved_ for affection if _this_—" she backhanded the paper again "—is where he's getting it. I'll not allow him to eat out of _dumpsters_ any longer for love. I plan to marry him after all. He's my beloved! My one and only!"

Jeremiah swallowed and knew better than to point out the impossibility of just one of those latter declarations.

A delicate line had been trespassed on—he realized that now. A line that separated regular love and a complex that put all other complexes to shame—with the added benefit of the denial of its existence (Really? _That's_ a benefit?).

Tentatively, he named it a Lelouch Complex.

"So, where to first, Miss?"

"Have you brought my shotgun, Jeremiah?"

Jeremiah hesitated. "Er… firearms are illegal in Japan, Miss. And they wouldn't have let it onto the plane since that—"

"No matter. We shall pay my darling a visit first then; after retrieving my knives from the house."

* * *

CC lay on her back, reading the letter over again—for the umpteenth time. Pensively, she thought on it as she reached for another slice of warm pizza. Chewing thoughtfully, she perused the letter again—trying to make sense of it.

By now she had the legible parts committed to memory.

The letter had been written neatly, precisely, and primly in the beginning before it degenerated into literature of ill-contained rage and a few well-placed threats indirectly towards an obvious someone not Lelouch.

There were even a few holes in it CC had questioned the origin of since the perpetrator was nowhere near.

Sticking her finger through the slits in the paper, one after the other, she assumed it was from a very sharp object.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to understand who those threats and all that anger was directed towards.

The individual had arrived in Japan surprisingly quickly in comparison to the date-time stamp on the letter. CC was curious as to how they did it. (Although she had no doubt it had something to do with why the suitcase was so heavy with not-safe-contents.)

And then there was the _meeting_ of this individual just a little while ago.

CC smiled.

That was _special._

Slowly, she started to sing quietly to herself, _"Liar, liar, pants on fire; hanging from a telephone wire. Kissing fags, dressed in drag. 'Fess up now 'cause the pe-nal-ty's di-re~"_

* * *

Suzaku had to give him some form of credit. For being so weak he sure had a lot of skill in cultivating his violent intent and adrenaline to make you think otherwise. It was impressive and reminded him that even the weakest of kittens had very, very sharp teeth.

Even so.

Kittens were still primarily cute and Lelouch was still very weak.

Lelouch was still pinned underneath Suzaku in more than just a compromising position—the result of at least thirty minutes of Lelouch venting all his pent up rage and frustration of the last (approximately) twenty-four hours. Suzaku appreciated the look suggesting mild arrhythmia on Lelouch's face after the realization sunk in that he couldn't fight Suzaku off him.

(It perhaps paled in comparison to the fact that he was now trapped under Suzaku with Suzaku resting comfortably between his legs.)

When Lelouch stopped panting, catching his breath, he struggled a bit more before finally giving up and declaring defeat as his body went lax.

"You win. Now get off me."

Suzaku grinned. He liked winning. "You sure? We could always take this back to the bedroom. It's a _big_ bed."

Cue look of sheer terror.

"Suzaku Kururugi, if you—"

"If I _what?"_ Suzaku challenged, tugging a little on Lelouch's tail again. It was long enough to allow him to tickle Lelouch's nose with it while the boy was more or less helpless to stop it with his arms pinned above his head. "There isn't anything you could do to stop me if I did."

Lelouch swallowed and glared at him threateningly. "You wouldn't—"

"Want to bet?" Suzaku cut in, feeling his alpha-male genes start to kick in as he descended on Lelouch's stricken face as violet dilated.

It was a little closer for comfort than Suzaku would've liked, but the look of panicked disgust, horror, and everything in between provoked Suzaku's sense of I'm-better-than-you more than he would've liked it to. There was just something about Lelouch that made Suzaku just want to… well, to win against him in every way imaginable. He couldn't really explain it and didn't feel the pressing need to either.

Besides, despite the sexually suggestive position, his mind reasoned that Lelouch was probably more horrified than him right now and that made it alright.

(Which was a backwards logic actually much more sound than it seemed for someone who grew up with literally no parents to teach him the merits of social limits, and what was right, and what was very, very wrong. It also didn't help that he had a cousin hell-bent on undoing any moral awareness his aunt or uncle taught him.)

(Which, in itself, was just a really big, fat, complicated excuse.)

Lelouch inhaled sharply.

"You wouldn't want to repeat what happened in the mall do you? Your lips were _so_ soft after all."

It would be important to note that Suzaku Kururugi had absolutely no intention of actually repeating what happened in the mall that day—at all. (He was still trying to cope with the chill of disgust that churned in his stomach—soap is an unpleasant thing to eat he later found out (although he didn't regret eating it in the least).) But, like it was mentioned earlier, he was keenly aware of just how much _more_ Lelouch was unwilling to do anything like that—and so that made this alright.

It was about the only thing that made this even remotely acceptable for Suzaku.

"Suzaku—"

"Yes?"

Suzaku felt just like those axe-murderers in the horror films. The feeling of control and knowing someone else was _terrified spitless_ of him sent a thrill down his spine he never knew existed. All his life he had played the nice guy—simply because he had no reason not to. He had been terrified of others before, but no one had ever truly been scared witless of him.

It was kind of a satisfying feeling.

The very vocabulary-aware part of him spelled out the letters to a word that described people like this in his head in big fancy, bold lettering starting with an 'S.' They were the kind of people that were often put to jail because they didn't know how to put a lid on it.

Suzaku conveniently ignored all of that.

"G-Get—"

"I'd like to see you make me," Suzaku returned sharply, feeling every bit the knife pinning the butterfly down. Leaning closer over him, he grinned triumphantly. "Can you?" he whispered.

A look passed over Lelouch's face that clearly showed he was afraid of Suzaku right now.

It would be a good time to point out right now that Suzaku Kururugi has next to no social limiters that regular people do.

"Can't, can you? You couldn't even stop me if I—"

And then Lelouch did something Suzaku never would've expected.

He started bawling.

It was enough to bring him back to his senses.

Now he started to feel _really_ guilty.

Maybe Kallen was onto something about this whole 'karma' business. Maybe this charade really had gone long enough. Maybe it really _was_ time to end it.

Sighing, he backed off him a bit and felt his shoulders slump. "I'm sorry, Lelouch, I… didn't mean to… I should let you know that I'm not actually—"

BANG. BANG. BANG.

Suzaku turned to look at the entrance. A bit of dust fell from the rafters. It sounded like someone had taken a battering ram to the doors.

He frowned. Just who on earth would—

The door flew wide open on its hinges.

His eyes bulged. "That door was locked!"

Suzaku had only a second to think before he felt himself tackled to the ground (and off Lelouch) from the white-gloved hand seizing around his throat threateningly. The wind was knocked out of him and he had less than a second to see the sharp end of a knife coming down and close his eyes for impact.

THUNK.

Slowly, when he realized he was still alive, Suzaku opened his eyes, one by one, slowly.

A smiling demon stared down at him, inches away from his face. Satanic violet eyes flashed and he could see the reflection of sharpened steel in them—ridges, grooves, and all. One hand remained on his throat while the other stayed on the impressive-looking skinning knife (wait—_skinning knife!?_) against the side of his head.

She twisted the knife in the ground slightly and he felt the slight flat of the blade press against his head.

For the first time in his life, Suzaku Kururugi thought he might just die.

A grin slipped over her rouged lips. "It is _very_ nice to meet you, Suzaku Kururugi. My name is Marianne vi Britannia. _I_ am Lelouch's _mother."_

_

* * *

_Comment:

_I_ would call her Lilith.

Yeah, that 'haitme' thing--I was kidding. I'll see you somewhere next week. Hate me now, don't you?

I'm sorry (kind of, but not really), I just had to imagine your reaction to that. I'd actually really love to hear about it. I've always wanted to do something like that because I like messing with people.

Okay, so I covered animals, weird fruits, and a bunch of other interesting stuff. What kind of cake do you guys like? I like ice-cream cakes myself.

Please R&R. (Because it keeps me updating on a somewhat regular basis. And because it makes me happy.)

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.

Oh, and whoever mentioned something about a bone lost in life… I need an address to send the hospital bill to, because that's where I ended up after the lack of oxygen from laughing so much started causing me brain damage. I'm mostly recovered, but I have to refrain from thinking about a 'bone lost in the way of life.'

No, I couldn't tell you why I think it's so funny. It just was and I just do. And, yeah, I _do _still find it funny.


	8. Say It Like You Mean It

Pre-Comment: I'd like to say that this took hours upon hours to properly weave together with ever-present humour (which is stupidity in and of itself) while at the same time being more than just stupidity (which I think it still is) by having some element of a story, but then I'd be flat out lying through my teeth. And we all know lying is immoral.

So I think I will anyway.

I hope you enjoy this installment I _carefully _planned, _lovingly _wrote, and _thoughtfully _composed into Chapter Eight _especially _for all of you.

* * *

Chapter Eight: Say It Like You Mean It

Upon entering the expansive mansion through the front doors with her skeleton key of the house, Sayoko Shinozaki quickly took note of a few things out of place. With a small hum, she pulled out her handy pad of crisp, pink Post-It Notes and began to make notes on them.

Kneeling down next to the slivered hole in the polished hardwood of the entryway, she stuck the pink note to the ground next to it.

The holes in the walls of the den—where the Master often took tea and guests—behind where her Master often sat warranted another pink note.

A similar mark in the kitchen by the doorway received a third.

This process continued so on and so forth until all two-hundred-thirty-eight rooms of the Kururugi estate had been properly inspected (dusted here and there as was a maid's reflexive habit) and marked accordingly.

Pink flags were prominent most everywhere.

As she laid a hand on the polished, brass handle to her own private quarters—which were untouched as per her hair trigger told her—Sayoko paused, realizing her error in not inspecting the largest room of the estate: The Banquet room. It was an easy room to forget as the Master rarely used it except to entertain large parties or important guests—and even then on very rare occasions.

When the door opened, a polite gasp came to her lips and Sayoko covered her mouth delicately—although a look of surprise was neither here nor there.

Suzaku Kururugi, CEO of the Sakura Group and the wealthiest man alive, had been suspended from the chandelier (swinging with just enough momentum to sway slightly), tied, gagged, and hovering over several upturned, well-sharpened (Sayoko's keen eyes observed idly (Don't ask—you _really_ don't want to know)) knives arranged like a bed of needles.

When her Master's eyes widened and lit up at the sight of her, she could hear muffled screams coming from behind the gag tied around his mouth as he wiggled a bit—but not a enough to loosen his bonds.

Sayoko tutted silently and shook her head at him before making the rounds around the room and cleaning a bit of dust here and there and attaching a few more Post-It notes—one on the large mirror and another on the window to the veranda.

All the while she hummed quite contentedly as she completed her duties, polishing the mirror and eventually clearing the knives away on the table and replacing them in their proper positions in the kitchen.

After the room was properly tidied, she left to retrieve the large garden clippers from the shed in the back before daintily stepping onto the polished mahogany table and cutting her Master free from the chandelier with a single clip.

Taking a knife from her belt, she cut the ties around his hands and ankles, leaving the rest for him.

She then stepped down from the table, held her hands together politely, bowed to her Master, and left without a single word to him.

The very next week she noticed a remarkable increase to her salary with no particular reasoning attached.

And she was okay with that.

* * *

Two weeks.

It had been the sum total of _two weeks_ since the dev—Marianne vi Britannia had stopped by and things were _never better._

Marianne was an exciting woman—even CC would freely admit that. The qualities this woman possessed reeked of independence and authority all over, and it was _thrilling._ And _impressive._ Marianne vi Britannia was the kind of woman you could really envision succeeding in—with flying colours to boot—taking over the world.

She was brave.

She was gallant.

She threw knives.

She was a prince charming wearing women's clothing, and ever-present silk gloves in the same way a germophobe would wear latex ones.

And she was very, _very_ frightening.

What wasn't there to love and admire?

It was quite safe to say CC had found a permanent role model.

And if Marianne weren't a woman (which she so very was) CC would probably be in love.

For the most part, CC had spent just about every second of Marianne's stay _with_ Marianne. Shopping; talking about Lelouch; going on dates and other excursions into the city; talking about the girls Lelouch liked; modelling cute outfits for Marianne to admire; talking about the clothes Lelouch liked, and generally spending time getting to know the older woman. It was through all this that CC finally clued into the reoccurring number one subject of conversation: Namely Lelouch.

CC wasn't stupid; she understood what Marianne was getting at after a while.

And, for the most part, she was okay with that.

What she _wasn't_ okay with was Lelouch flirting up a storm with some random girl at a café half a block away when he _should_ be with his pseudo-boyfriend.

CC bristled slightly.

Marching right up to them—

Lelouch said something irritating, for the girl sent a light punch to his arm.

—fuming with all intent to—

The sound of their light-hearted conversation was now lightly drifting to her ears.

—show that _idiot_ the definition of—

He tilted her chin up, moving closer—going in for the kill.

—what it _is_ to suck it up and finish—

Taking her hand, he planted a gentle kiss on it. "You remind me of roses—skin just as soft and sweet-smelling. I could breathe in your—"

Her hand darted out for his ear and twisted it.

Rather painfully, if the shriek—"AHHH!"—of agony was anything to go by.

"Sorry, Miss Elizabeth, this man is a crook and a scoundrel. Not only that, but he's _quite_ taken."

If CC were actually his girlfriend, she had to commend herself for playing the I've-just-caught-my-boy-cheating-and-now-he's-going-to-be-_whipped_-in-a-very-literal-sense girlfriend role well.

Lelouch sputtered. "CC! What are you—"

"By another man," she added belatedly for just the right effect.

Elizabeth gasped and her eyes widened expectedly in shock and amazement.

Hers weren't the only ones.

"Mr Lamperouge… you're…"

Lelouch turned to glare at CC just in time to see her grin quite triumphantly. "That's right, sweetheart, he's _gay_. G. A. Y. He bats for the other team, is completely out of the closet, wears _tight_ _black_ hoo—"

A hand was clamped over her mouth.

Elizabeth looked confused.

Lelouch looked _pissed._

Muffled protests marked their hasty exit into the nearest alley without another word to Elizabeth.

"What the heck do you think you're doing? I was in the middle of a job!"

CC frowned, undeterred.

"What am _I_ doing? What are _you_ doing? She's not your job right now—Suzaku is. I _really_ tried not to ask when you came home two weeks ago—_sulking_—but no, really, what gives?"

Folding his arms, Lelouch looked away. A look of slight discomfort spread over his face. "We broke up. I'm moving to New York with my mother once the house is sold."

CC's face fell and her shoulders fell with it.

It was like saying Pizza Hut was closing down for business.

And so she panicked just a little.

"What about your _pool_? My _pizza_? Your fancy-shmancy car you're going to drive around Pendragon with?"

And then the question CC didn't vocalize.

_What about me?_

Lelouch was all she had.

"My mother is rich—very rich. I'm sure she can supply all the pizza you want over there—my football-field-sized swimming pool and car too. It's a big house—I visited it only once, a few years ago. I'm sure she's made renovations since then."

He offered her a reassuring smile.

Mentally, she sighed in relief—for just a second.

Turning around, she leaned against the wall next to him and looked to him expectantly. Lelouch had always been the one to give the final decision on the targets. Occasionally he poked and prodded her to do something—to 'earn her keep' as it were. More often than not, though, he was content to do enough lying for them both.

Despite her griping and her complaining at the beginning of all this idiocy, she enjoyed it and was kind of sad to leave Japan.

(And their godly prowess at making pizza.)

Even so, she wasn't wont to argue his decision—especially with that troubled look on his face.

"Okay," she sighed, finally acceding. "What—"

"Just _something,_" he said in that stubborn I'm-not-telling-you kind of way.

CC knew better than to argue for it right now.

He held his hand out to her, looking away.

Lelouch looked like a little boy desperate for his mother.

(Who was readily available and within the borders of the country.)

Even so.

CC took his hand as he squeezed it tightly for a moment as they made their way back home.

"Should I make something up for the next time he calls, then?"

Suzaku had been calling the house nearly non-stop for a good majority of the two weeks Lelouch had not seen him. The constant ring had finally stopped a few days ago—but only because CC had found the phones in the house disconnected (after trying three times to dial Pizza Hut) and Lelouch's mobile in the back of his closet with triple-digit missed calls.

"Tell him… Tell him…" Lelouch sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Tell him whatever you want. Tell him I died. Tell him I got hit by a bus. Tell him I went home. Tell him I eloped with you."

As Lelouch's voice got quieter, CC knew better than to dig deeper. If it was important, he'd let her know. If it wasn't, she wouldn't nose around. Lelouch didn't like talking about himself and he didn't appreciate other people investigating him.

Because of this, she had to pay close attention to him.

So by the time they reached the door of their house and he was searching all over for his keys, CC realized something _bad_ must've happened.

"Can I tell him off?"

* * *

"Tell that bit—I mean, that _charming_ woman to go and shove it. Nicely of course."

And you really have to wonder how something like that could possibly be said nicely.

"I won't hand over the designs for next season until they're good and ready."

_"But, Miss Marianne, Miss Lohmeyer is—"_

"And just _who_ signs your paycheques every month, Alice? Just _who_ is the president of the company you work for?"

There was a grumble from the other end.

_"I understand, Miss. Shall I fax the rest of the details to you tomorrow, then?"_

"I want them done tonight, Alice," she said nicely, in her get-it-done-or-it's-your-job voice. "I want thread counts on everything—especially that hideous 'bubble' one. Can you do that?"

Hesitation.

_"Probably not, but I'll make sure it happens anyway, Miss."_

"Good. I like to see productivity. Refer to Sancia for everything else. I want fall fashion designs to be on my desk by the time I return. Let the dear know that, won't you, Alice darling?"

The buzzer on her temporary apartment suite went off—announcing a visitor.

_"Of course, Miss. There's also the matter regarding—"_

"I refuse—let them know that, won't you?" she cut off sharply, waving Jeremiah away to go answer the door.

_"Right. I'll let them know. Lucretia is also still asking for your opinion on—"_

"I'll have to think about that one. Let them know that—"

Lelouch walked in.

"—Alice, love, I'll call you back later."

_"What? Wait! Miss Maria—"_

CLICK.

Springing to her feet, Marianne ran at Lelouch, throwing her arms around him tightly. "Lelouch! My darling son! You've come to visit me!" she gushed with utter glee.

There were a few strangled protests and Marianne relented only slightly, holding her son at arms length. It had been a long time since she last saw him, but he looked just as handsome as she remembered him. It was no wonder he attracted deviants of society like—

But that was neither here nor there.

And _he_ was neither here nor there.

But she really wished he was.

So she could test out the sharpness of her knife collection against the soft squishy centre of his back.

Multiple times.

"How are you enjoying your stay in Japan, Mother?"

Giving him another tight hug to which he complied, Marianne let go of him and twirled around to look out her window. "Oh, it's lovely, dear—simply lovely. The people are wonderful; I may consider opening a branch here—to come and visit you."

Lelouch laughed, standing up next to her. "I don't plan on living here, Mother. I'll be returning to Britannia if things don't work out here."

"I see. Won't you consider joining me in New York then? With CC."

Marianne was keenly aware of her son's living arrangements with the other woman and was proud of Lelouch for having the decency of separate rooms—at separate ends of the hallway.

He hesitated and his eyes shifted slightly.

She had offered many times, but Lelouch had refused each and every single one—appointing reason that he had to keep one or another of his sister's company. So it came as a lesser shock to find him on his own—in Japan—instead of at home—back in Britannia, surrounded by good Britannian women.

"I… I'll think about it."

Sighing quietly, Marianne had to just live with this.

Lelouch would probably never come live with her in New York.

"So, how is CC anyway? What a charming young girl—I love her so. She makes a wonderful model, you know. Her thighs are _just_ the right—"

"Mother, I'd like to ask your opinion of Suzaku."

Her smile faltered.

Just a little.

Jeremiah, who had been secretly listening and observing this whole time, cleared his throat and ruffled papers around on his desk to make up for the awkward silence.

Neither turned to look at him but both were grateful for the filler.

Marianne blinked a few times in confusion and shook her head just slightly. "I'm sorry; I don't think I quite caught that, Lelouch dear."

Lelouch pursed his lips—a nervous habit he hadn't quite gotten rid of she saw.

"He's… Despite what happened, he's really _important_ to me, Mother."

Marianne felt every cell in her body tremble slightly.

Her eyebrows rose.

_"Important? _How important?"

Lelouch swallowed and looked away. "_Quite_ important to me."

(Important in the way that he'd allow sexual harassment (unhappily but willingly nonetheless) of the nth degree for the keys to Fort Knox Suzaku surely owned.)

Marianne sighed and closed her eyes sitting down. Folding her legs and crossing her arms, she fixed her youngest and most beloved son with stern eyes.

"I disapprove, Lelouch. To think you would come out of the closet and—"

"I haven't!" he protested. "I just… he's a special case for me… so… please, Mother?"

Lelouch looked up at her.

She had to look away now or else—

Too late.

"For me?"

Kicked Puppy Look Inc. All rights reserved.

Marianne's resistances shattered instantly.

A heavy sigh slumped her shoulders as she rubbed her temple. "Oh, Lelouch… I had to find out _this_ way that my youngest son is a shirt-lifter?"

Lelouch winced visibly.

(He wasn't wont to point out to his _mother_, of all people, that _his_ shirt was metaphorically the one receiving the lifting.)

"I'm sorry, Mother. Give him a chance, won't you? If he… If Suzaku doesn't pass, CC and I will move to New York with you. No complaints."

Oooh.

He was making a deal.

A deal with a high chance to end in her favour.

"Lelouch…" she whispered softly. "Would you really?"

He nodded.

Marianne sighed heavily.

She could feel a migraine coming on.

She couldn't win against _that_ look AND _this_.

Lelouch was offering a game to her with the prize being something she had been wanting for a very long time. (Next to finding him a bride and being the one to marry him—she was more or less certain CC fit the bill.) It was a game and Lelouch knew she liked games.

More than the games, she really just enjoyed winning.

"Very well, if you're that insistent, I'll give him _one_ chance. I hope he knows a good restaurant to treat me to dinner."

And she intended to.

Win, that is.

* * *

"…and make sure you—"

"I'll be fine, CC," he assured, swatting her hands away from fiddling with his collar, adjusting it himself. "I've gotten over what happened—" Mostly. "—I don't think he'd do something like that in front of my _Mother_. He's got that much decency—" Hopefully. "—Besides, this was _your_ idea."

Since CC had offered to beat the living tar out of Suzaku verbally without even knowing the reason why, Lelouch had caved and told her what had happened. A part of him was happy he did it, while another part of him was a little anxious about doing it. Sharing with CC on what happened (Lelouch conveniently left out the crying like a little girl part) only fuelled her desire to see Suzaku come to harm in the maimed and decapitated sort of way.

(There was a third way she proudly announced she would maim him, but Lelouch wasn't about to go into the details and how it would inevitably leave Suzaku childless forevermore.)

After calming down, Lelouch had observed her observe him as he talked idly about how great and wonderful New York would be with synthetic passion and enthusiasm.

Most likely he would end up helping his mother with her company and he'd have to reconnect with his family and—there was an entire list of things Lelouch didn't want to do. Going to New York meant doing all of those things he had been avoiding for the past couple years of his life.

To be honest, he really liked life the way it was.

Although his occupation wasn't exactly altogether respectable, he was pretty so he got away with a lot of things.

Which was (still) true considering Kallen a while ago.

(Suzaku bailing him out initially was a minor detail in his mind.)

Exploiting the stupidity and loose wallets of others was something of a thrill. It was like finding the answer to that really hard puzzle you took seven days to figure out. Not only that, but it was a good source of inflating your income.

That much said, Lelouch really didn't want to go to New York with his mother because it meant an end to conning—whichshemustneverevereverevereverfindoutabout.

But he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay here with Mr Sexual-Assault-And-There-Ain't-_Nothing_-You-Can-Do-About-It.

"—not listening to me."

No, he really wasn't, if all the internal monologue had anything to say about it.

Jerking his head up, Lelouch turned to look at CC—who was concerned but feigning irritation. She was really good at that, but Lelouch had been there to see that look grow and develop, and was now immune to its charms.

"Sorry," he muttered.

But sometimes it still got him.

CC watched him for a little longer and sighed, ruffling his hair slightly. "Look, maybe this was a bad idea. We can—"

"No!" he cried, panicking at the thought of having to go to New York by default. "No… I'll do it."

Least of all he wanted pity from CC.

He would take crap from anyone within an inch of his life, would cross-dress to save his hide, would endure sexual harassment for money, and would lie about his not-so assassinated mother and not-really abusive father time and time again, but he didn't want to take pity from CC.

_He_ was the one who took care of her, not the other way 'round.

"Okay. Make it look good, then. Marianne's out for blood tonight, I can _feel_ it."

"I know; I know she is. I just hope—"

Doorbell.

They both turned to look at each other.

"Did you order—I cooked tonight! I swear if you—"

"Cool your jets, no I didn't."

Lelouch grumbled, leaving the room with CC following closely behind. They hadn't made a ton of friends in Japan—CC wasn't a socialite and Lelouch had bigger concerns—and no one knew where they lived. For the most part they had avoided telling people their residence incase murderous intent ever sprang to life in some unsuspecting victim and good thriller book plots came true in an adapted-to-life sort-of way.

CC peeled off to the kitchen while Lelouch grumbled about random nobodies visiting him.

"CC, I swear, if it's a door-to-door salesman I'm going to—"

It was Suzaku.

Green eyes lit up and he instantly adopted an apologetic look of remorse. "Lelouch, I'm s—"

SLAM.

CC's head popped out from the kitchen. "Who was it?"

"No one important. And certainly not a serial up-and-coming rapist ex-pseudo-boyfriend of mine."

Giggling, CC walked out and ruffled Lelouch's hair on the way to the door, opening it up for Suzaku, letting him in and apologizing somewhat insincerely for Lelouch's earlier rudeness. Luckily, Suzaku didn't spend as much time around CC as he did and took it as a real apology.

"I'll be in my room if you need me, _CC_," he said pointedly, glaring any protest Suzaku was about to make out of him.

CC giggled again and walked up to him, kissing him on the cheek. "Okay."

The flash of—of _something_—in Suzaku's eyes didn't go entirely unnoticed.

(Well, not by CC to be terribly specific.)

So then Lelouch went upstairs and lay down on his bed, forgot that his suit was silk, remembering, frowning, and then sitting up and straightening himself out in front of the mirror.

And then he remembered that this was a suit _Suzaku_ had bought for him and proceeded to strip it off, starting with the tie, jacket, shirt, pants, and then—

Suzaku appeared in the doorway.

"Lelouch, I—Ohmygod!"

And then he promptly turned around.

Instead of leaving.

Once a pervert boyfriend, always a pervert boyfriend, it seemed.

Lelouch, to put it simply, was more than just a little mortified with no real way to lessen his embarrassment. Half of him _had_ expected Suzaku to do the go-to-him-and-band-aid-the-situation thing and the other half expected him to be too remorseful and ashamed to do something like that.

Obviously, Suzaku was of the can-do sort.

Lelouch was of the get-out-of-my-room-while-I'm-practically-naked sort.

And he decided now was probably a _really_ good time to voice that.

"Get out."

"Look, you're probably still angry about—"

_"Angry?_ Who's _angry?_ I didn't say anything about me being _angry_—especially at _you_ for—"

_"Lelouch…"_

"Get out."

Suzaku sighed, and—much to Lelouch's horror—sat down in the doorway; turned away from Lelouch—who was stripped to his briefs.

"I think I deserve more than that."

Lelouch snorted.

"I think I deserve a castle and the title deed to my own country, but you don't see _me_ crying about it."

Another long sigh.

Suzaku probably felt horrible.

Well good.

Lelouch _wanted_ this psychopath to feel horrible.

He was being unnecessarily snippy about this right now, but he felt he deserved the right to be. Seeing Suzaku for the first time in two weeks, not hovering over him with eyes full of mal-intent and making him cry, had brought to life all the frustration and indecision he felt about _really_ just picking up and leaving.

CC was the one who phoned Suzaku up for dinner plans. (Minus verbal whiplash.)

Lelouch was the one who handled his mother.

Of course, CC had gone over how to deal with Suzaku when they finally came face-to-face, but all her knowledge, questionable wisdom—

(Pull out the waterworks again and he'll be putty in your hands!)

(Lelouch was, if possible, more horrified. (Partially at the fact that CC had figured out he cried like a little girl without him telling.))

—and rather effective role-playing effectively went to pot the second he saw Suzaku at the door. So right now he was feeling pent-up frustration and various other emotions from their last encounter after fermenting for two weeks.

There was a rather fitting lull of silence where neither spoke.

And finally—

"You were an _ass._"

Suzaku flinched but didn't say anything.

There was another lull of silence.

And then something CC had told Lelouch a long time ago came to mind.

CC Emasculation Lesson Two: Be forgiving.

Sighing, Lelouch folded his arms and turned away, angry with himself that he was doing this—angry with himself that such obscure advice came to him when he _wanted_ to be angry at Suzaku—when he had _good reason_ to be angry at Suzaku.

More than all of that, he was angry with himself for remembering what CC had dubbed such a lesson as, and angry at himself for remembering that it was _his_ fault he got the lesson in the first place.

And I quote: _'Teach me everything there is about being a woman!'_

With enough said—

"You were an ass, and I forgive you," he ground out grudgingly.

Arms quickly circled him and Lelouch squawked slightly, trying to get away—his escape mechanism had come back in place of the allergic reaction. (His internal system has sensed the priority to keep it after the last encounter with his deviant ex-not-ex-pseudo-boyfriend left him a mess.)

After a bit of instinctive struggling to get away, Lelouch gave up.

It was pointless to struggle against Suzaku's unnecessary (and very much unwanted) affections, so Lelouch had given up on preventing it.

And when it came to Suzaku, Lelouch realized he had given up many things: Like his dignity.

And his pride.

And his masculinity.

And his common sense.

And his better judgement.

And typically better reasoning.

And the right to deny dressing up in women's clothing for another man.

Lelouch had given up _many_ things.

"I'm _really_ sorry," Suzaku whispered, sounding horribly remorseful.

"I forgive you," Lelouch repeated quietly.

A small corner of Lelouch's mind couldn't believe he was doing this.

Barely dressed, that is.

After that time he had to run around the mall pants-less—

Actually, let's not bring that up right now.

Point was that Lelouch was more or less comfortable with being more than just a little undressed in public due to certain events. Occurring multiple times on different occasions and during various seasons.

In fact, Lelouch was probably more uncomfortable about the hugging still going on than being barely dressed in front of Suzaku.

Which really said something.

"I've never—I'm sorry. I _really_ hurt you and you—"

"Just forget it happened."

"No." Suzaku held him at arms length. He looked determined—probably determined to make it up to him in some way or another that Lelouch would probably like him less for. It was this determination that twinkled in his set eyes.

Lelouch didn't like that look. He didn't like that look _at all._

"I was really horrible to you! I just lost control and—and—to you I—I'm so—"

"Don't mention it," Lelouch said briskly, cutting him off with a pointed look.

Suzaku sighed and his shoulders relaxed. And then he grinned.

Mental note: Grinning Suzaku equals Evil Suzaku.

"I really couldn't help myself though. You were just _so_ cute with your face flushed and—"

"Isaiddon'tmentionit!" Lelouch sputtered, feeling his face turning red with embarrassment.

"—I just wanted to eat—"

"ISAIDDON'TMENTIONIT!"

And Suzaku laughed.

CC's head popped in the doorway. "Hey, you lovebirds will be late for your dinner-date with Mommy." And then she took in Lelouch's generally undressed appearance. "If you're going to make with the hanky-panky go to a—"

Lelouch turned redder. "We're not!"

* * *

_Something_ was _off._

Admittedly, she hadn't seen Lelouch in forever, but she knew her son—and she knew her son well. A few years couldn't change him _that_ much. He was still the same Lelouch she remembered him to be—there were just some things about people you couldn't change.

_Something_ was off.

It could've been the way Suzaku was not mindful of the fact that the object of his affections' _mother_ was sitting at the round table with him.

It could've been the way _Lelouch_ sometimes even forgot she was there.

It could've been how Marianne noticed the looks they seemed to pass each other—like perfect lovers with perfect chemistry.

It could've been the way Lelouch blushed at almost everything Suzaku said that pertained to their relationship when they remembered she was present.

It could've been a lot of things.

Marianne couldn't be sure.

Through the entire first hour, she had made pleasantries with them both until the meal was finished and Lelouch was pouring her a glass of very expensive wine expertly—just like they do in France.

"So, Mother, how was your flight to Japan?"

Upon hearing the news, Marianne had written a hasty letter addressed to him and bribed every official she knew to make sure it got there as soon as was humanly possible. And then she had hopped a plane herself after gathering a few important necessities together.

Like her knife collection.

The entire flight was spent thinking of ways you could literally skin a person alive. (Marianne was willing to experiment and make a few errors learning the right way to do it on Suzaku.)

"It was _wonderful._ Charming, in fact. The Japanese really do know their hospitality points," she said with a wink to Suzaku—who shyly looked away.

"That's good to hear. And how is business going for you?"

Suzaku perked up. "You own a business?"

"Yes. It's a fashion company; we own several labels and styles popular all over Europe and North America."

"Ah, that's very interesting. So _that's_ where Lelouch received his amazing sense of style from. It's really easy to see where he got the looks from too," he added with a sly look Lelouch's way.

A dust of red rose to Lelouch's cheeks. "Suzaku…" he reprimanded lightly.

Marianne twitched slightly.

Something was _off._

"So, Miss Britannia, are you unmarried then? I notice your last names are different."

Lelouch's eyes went wide and Marianne caught the lie in her son's eyes when she saw it. Far be it from her to condone something as amoral as _lying_ but she had bigger things to worry about than her son's fibs.

Like her son's _boyfriend_.

Pulling off her glove, she displayed the bejewelled, sparkling wedding band on her hand to Suzaku. It—and all thirty-two of the real diamonds embedded in it—shone in the candlelight.

"I am still very much married and in love with my husband."

Even though they lived apart.

In separate countries across an ocean.

Suzaku looked to Lelouch, who was avoiding eye contact.

"Lelouch goes by a different last name because he doesn't wish to be connected to me. I also model and sing as well."

His eyebrows shot upwards in genuine admiration. "Wow. You're very talented. Just like Lelouch," he added, wagging his eyebrows in Lelouch's direction.

Lelouch's cheeks burned. _"Suzaku…"_

Marianne sniffed a bit of sexual undertone to that.

She twitched again.

"I see. Suzaku darling, you must forgive me, but this is a question all parents must ask of their children's _significant others_." Frostily, she asked, "What are your intentions for my son?"

Pretending to be gay; feeding the media lies about being gay; sexually harassing him about being gay; dressing him in women's clothing.

And then some.

But Suzaku sure as hell wasn't going to say any of _that_.

"Well, he's a very special person to me. I intend to do everything I can to make him as happy as possible," he said warmly, with an equally warm look sent in Lelouch's direction.

It was the staple answer, and Marianne wasn't going to stop with just that, but she couldn't ignore the _blatant_ red staining her favourite and youngest son's cheeks.

"I see. Lelouch, what are _your_ intentions for Suzaku?"

Taking all his money.

"I—ah… I don't know. Nothing really. He _makes_ me happy."

Marianne felt her resistances crumbling.

Letting out a long-suffering sigh, Marianne looked from Suzaku to Lelouch and back again. The subtle look of hope from her son for her approval of Suzaku didn't go entirely unnoticed either. Suzaku seemed to be on his best behaviour as well in this final stretch.

For someone far too fond of her youngest son for her own good, she could only really cave to his wishes and _that look_ he was sending her.

(In the end, she was the one responsible for teaching _that look_ to him—for it was very effective against Charles she had learned early-on into the marriage.)

"Very well. If this is _your_ decision, Lelouch, I can accept that. If _he_ is what makes you happy, then _I_ am happy with him."

Mutual looks of relief passed over both their faces, and even during that all Marianne could think was—

_Something_ was _off._

Not just a _little_ something.

A _big_ something.

And Marianne wasn't particularly fond of that _something._

As she merely nodded and smiled and made small chat with the both of them, continually watching the small displays of affection between her son and Suzaku, Marianne couldn't help but think it over.

There was more teasing.

More blushing.

More generally ignoring her being—

Oh, so it was _that._

_That_ was what was off.

This degenerate out of nowhere had stolen her son's affections away from her to the point of 'Oh, hey Mom, I guess you're here too.'

It didn't sit well with her.

It didn't sit well with her _at all_.

It meant less of Lelouch's attention was on her.

That also meant less planting seeds on how wonderful a wife CC would make so she could take advantage of those perfectly shaped hips and thighs on the girl.

More importantly, it meant that Lelouch was growing up and no longer her little baby anymore.

(Out of the closet, but she didn't want to think about that—Charles could deal with that when and _if_ he ever heard about this.)

(Which he would.)

This time, when Marianne looked at Suzaku, she saw not only Lelouch's grudgingly-accepted boyfriend, but she saw Suzaku: Thief of Lelouch's Affections.

To put it rather simply, she saw Suzaku as a rival.

And the best way to get rid of a rival was to beat them ruthlessly.

There was a better way, but that involved a lot of blood and was still slightly illegal in Japan.

When the dinner ended and Lelouch had taken a quick trip to the bathroom while they waited outside, Marianne turned to Suzaku.

"I'm really happy for you both, truly. I must apologize for the other day, I could've sworn something _large_ and _deviant_ was attacking my son," she said sweetly.

Suzaku blinked. "…thanks."

Smiling, she leaned in a little closer. "Suzaku darling, I'll let you in on a little secret." Here she winked at him in a conspiratorial manner. "While I couldn't bring my precious shotgun into this firearms-are-banned country of yours, I am a _wicked_ throw with knives. Luckily I have my knife collection with me," she said cheerfully, clasping her hands together. "I think you two would make _perfect_ friends with each other!"

Cue look of terror.

No, Marianne wasn't going to lose this.

This game wasn't lost just yet.

Suzaku swallowed. "I—"

And then Lelouch finally came out, addressing Suzaku with, "Ready to go home?"

Marianne waved ta-ta to them both happily as they disappeared into a sleek, black limousine. The smile never left her face as she imagined how many creative ways she could arrange one's head on a pike.

Preferably on fire.

In that very moment, Marianne vi Britannia had found a new happy place.

* * *

Comment:

Well, gosh. Who _doesn't_ deserve a castle and the title deed to a country? Especially me. I _might_ settle for more souls, though. *Hint Hint*

Since revenue costs are high elsewhere, I'm going to shamelessly promote "Pizza Hut: A Slice of Heaven", my other, er, monster here. Go read it. If you like "Liar Liar" you'll like this one. If you don't like "Liar Liar", what the heck are you doing reading it for eight chapters to have read this comment? I love me too, but that's just creepy if reading these comments is all you're doing.

Okay, I'm done with asking about your favourites for now. So. Minute Maid, Coke, or Pepsi?

I think your answer should be obvious here.

Please R&R. (Otherwise I might actually go on hiatus. I found some new and shiny Photoshop brushes that are tempting me something awful.)

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.


	9. Because Guns are Illegal

Sad Excuse for Long Wait: Interest flagging.

Pre-Comment:

Dear Diary,

Today I read all my reviews.

I am now considering world domination. Or at least corporate control over Coca-Cola and moving their HQ next door. Free Minute Maid and Coke for the rest of my life sounds almost as good as the world. (Without the failing economy, H1N1 masks, and general political retardedness.) Maybe after I'll take over Dairy Queen and whoever the heck owns Mentos.

Ice-cream cake and Coke rockets sounds pretty good too.

To everyone who just read a private entry from my diary revealed to you in a very public and not-very-private-at-all way, Enjoy Chapter Nine.

* * *

Chapter Nine: Karma Knows Where You Sleep and She Carries Knives Because Guns are Illegal

In Suzaku's mind, Kallen was singing the 'I Told You So' song complete with dance and various other forms of mocking including, but not limited to, jabs of the finger in his general direction accompanied by hysterical laughter. If he went further into his subconscious he could probably see Kaguya joining her with a tambourine and moving to the rhythm of the same mocking dance, complete with a lack of coordination due to inhibiting laughter.

Kallen was right.

Karma _did_ have funny ways of dealing with things.

His came in the form of a demon posing to be Lelouch's mother whose aversion to murder, and general forms of violence that led up to, was non-existent.

Wait; his mistake.

That demon wasn't _posing_ to be Lelouch's mother—that demon _was_ Lelouch's mother.

As he pressed the icepack to his sore face a little harder, he grumbled.

The day had started out rather one-sided. It was more like he was chaperoning the two of _them_ on a date instead of the other way around. They had all gone to the zoo, visited a theme park, attended an outdoor talent show—which Marianne was promptly banned from (with good reason)—and now they were at a shooting range.

All the while they seemed to have eyes only for each other.

Marianne showered Lelouch with love and motherly affection.

Lelouch soaked it all up like a super-absorbent sponge.

(Never mind the fact that Marianne had eyes of the bloodthirsty kind for Suzaku as well.)

It was understandable for Suzaku after hearing it was the first time they saw each other, quite literally, in years.

Currently, Marianne was teaching Lelouch the proper use of a shotgun.

Suzaku made a mental note that Lelouch was a quick learner.

Leaning against the wall a good ten metres away, arms folded—he watched them. Marianne was curled around Lelouch, fiddling with his grip on the gun and adjusting his arms and shoulders while he aimed. Her touches were loving and gentle and by their interactions throughout the day Suzaku could tell Lelouch was spoiled a lot as a child.

A lot a lot.

After firing a few rounds, Lelouch turned to his mother expectantly and his eyes lit up at her praise for having hit three bulls-eyes in a row.

Mental Note Number Two: Lelouch is a _very_ quick learner and any form of aimed projectile as a gift should be prohibited.

Suddenly, her eyes flitted over and connected with his. She smiled and waved at him innocently, tapping on her shoulder and tugging at the sleeve slightly before turning her full attention back to Lelouch.

Suzaku's eyes widened just slightly and he looked down at his shirt to find a perfect tear in it—like something _sharp_ and _life-threatening_ had sliced it open.

The colour appropriately drained from his face.

There was no tear there an hour ago.

Narrowly Escaped Death Number Twenty-Two.

Yes, he _had_ been counting.

Painful memories of earlier in the day flooded his mind.

First there was the Ice-Cream Incident.

An incident which will, for once, actually get explained regardless of being asked about or not.

While they were taking a break in the park, Marianne and Lelouch left Suzaku alone to buy some cold confectionary desserts. Lelouch had come back alone with Suzaku's portion and sat down next to him, making casual conversation about his mother and asking general questions about Suzaku's opinion of her.

And then, because it was the most overly-used ice-cream cliché in the history of time—and so therefore it must be used as a general rule—Lelouch had gotten some of it stuck on his cheek.

Grinning, Suzaku slipped an arm around Lelouch's waist and leaned close. "Lulu, there's something on your face, let me get that for you."

As expected Lelouch squirmed, fidgeted, and—

_"Ahh~! Suzaku~!"_

Suzaku froze.

Say wha—

And then he found himself flat on his back, staring up at the blue, blue sky on the grass somewhere.

He laid there in a daze for a moment, realizing just how very blue the sky actually was tod—

Oh.

Sweet.

Heaven.

_The pain._

Every pain receptor in the left side of his face seemed to have taken a miniature vacation to hell and just got back to share the details with him.

Suzaku was a typically proud man and tried not to cry when experiencing pain no matter how excruciating.

But some things just couldn't be helped.

Meanwhile.

"Oh, Lulu, look what you've gotten on your face. Let mother get that for you," she fawned, wiping his cheek with a handkerchief daintily.

It was safe to assume what the number of that truck was.

Other scenarios had happened in a similar fashion.

Marianne was determined to keep him away from Lelouch.

As a result, Suzaku was sporting a few bruises, a harmless (and by 'harmless' he meant it didn't draw blood) cut here and there, and possibly a broken bone somewhere.

Clutching the icepack to his face a little tighter, Suzaku sighed. Nothing about this day had gone right for him. Right from waking up in the morning and seeing a swinging knife tied loosely from the canopy of his bed, to skipping meal times for fear of poison, and general survival against a lunatic fresh from Alcatraz.

Yes.

Marianne vi Britannia was the reincarnation of the Devil.

"Suzaku darling."

Suzaku flinched, looking up to see Marianne walking towards him—a look of motherly concern stark in her violet eyes of Pure Evil™.

"Yes? Is… ah… something wrong?"

Frowning, she folded her arms in front of her. "Lelouch has gone to fetch more rounds. Would you like a shot?"

No thanks.

He had heard from several reliable sources and just a few hundred movies and television shows that having a bit of lead lodged between the eyes at amazingly high speeds was an uncomfortable experience.

"Oh, no, I'm fine. Just watching you two is enough for me. It's been a long time since you two have seen each other; I don't mind letting you have time alone without me."

"Oh how considerate," she remarked sweetly, tilting her head slightly. Then she gasped, holding a gloved (Marianne was a peculiar woman and always insisted on keeping her hands gloved or folded together) hand out to tug at the rip on his shirt gently. "My dear! Wherever did this tear come from? It wasn't here this morning!" she proclaimed innocently, fretting over it and inspecting it a little closer.

Checking for first blood, Suzaku thought darkly.

Setting his jaw rigidly, reminding himself for the thousandth time today that this woman was his fake-boyfriend's mother—that and she could probably kill him at the drop of a hat (with zero reservations about doing so), he returned the remark with an easy smile and admirable amounts of restraint.

"It just caught on something is all. I was careless."

Something like the sharp edge of a throwing dagger.

Marianne folded her arms, and hummed disapprovingly before cupping a hand over his, holding the icepack to his face. "And where did this bruise come from?" she asked, like a mother scolding her child. "You seem to be in a state of increasing disrepair! _You poor thing."_ Marianne ruffled his hair affectionately. "You must learn to take better care of yourself!"

Laughing easily, Suzaku shrugged it off. "Your concern is appreciated, Miss Marianne, but I'm sure I'll live."

He hoped.

Tutting, Marianne shook her head once more. "Don't despair, Suzaku darling, I'll fix you up good and proper—" Oh, _God_ no. "—once we return home. I would do _anything_ for my darling boy's _lesser half._"

To be perfectly honest, Suzaku didn't know how to feel about that statement.

Half of him was outraged.

Half of him was mortified.

Half of him was shocked.

And another half wondered how he passed Grade Five Math.

And so he went with a hopefully safe approach.

"I couldn't possibly trouble you with something so trivial. I have a maid for that who would be more than happy. You're far too kind."

Marianne giggled daintily behind her hand. "Nonsense! You need a mother's touch. You're too flattering for such a _degenerate."_

And if Marianne suddenly weren't smiling anymore, Suzaku would have had something to say about _that._

Luckily, survival instincts kicked in.

"You know, when I had found out—quite by a _happy_ accident—that my darling little boy was dating someone like you, I was overwhelmed with _joy._ You're such a _responsible_ and _affectionate_ young man, and I can see that you _care_ for my darling little angel _so_ much." She laughed—just a little—almost hysterically—like the mad scientists or evil villains do in all the old movies. "A mother couldn't _possibly_ want to gouge the ey—oh, but, Suzaku darling, you're everything a mother _dreams_ of for her son. I am _terribly_ glad it's you he's taken a liking to."

Within the day Suzaku had spent with Marianne he had already earned himself a Marianne vi Britannia translator.

All of that, just now, equalled something like this:

I had to find out my _precious_ son was dating a no-good, scum-eating, morally-bankrupt _wretch_ in the worst way possible, and I'm more than just pissed about it. I'm going to cut out your heart, liver, intestine, and lungs before feeding them to _dogs_ and _vultures_. I will _maim_ and _disfigure_ you so horribly my son will never look at you ever again. I'm glad you're _so_ very stabbable.

In the back of his mind, every once in a while, Suzaku wondered if his entertainment was really worth having to put up with Lelouch's crazy mother.

(No, probably not.)

"Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me. I promise to make Lelouch as happy as possible," he told Marianne with as straight a face as he could muster.

Smiling sweetly again—almost sincerely—Marianne patted his cheek and ruffled his hair affectionately. "You should hope so, Suzaku darling, because Marianne vi Britannia _gives no second chances,_" she said slowly in the tone of voice that made babies cry—just to let it sink in. "And I am so _very_ fond of you. It would be quite a shame if anything _unfortunate_ were to happen so soon after meeting you."

Normally, Suzaku wasn't a very confrontational person and negotiated his way out of things if he could. He didn't respond to intimidation, direct threats, or general violence very well. Not only that, but he could recognize a challenge when he saw one.

So it wasn't so much that he wanted to win against Marianne to _keep Lelouch_—no, it was much simpler than that: Suzaku wanted to win _because he could._

And so, when Marianne walked away from him just as Lelouch returned with a new case of bullets, Suzaku grinned.

So, of course, you know, this means war.

* * *

In the back of her mind, she knew this was wrong.

Legally and morally.

But she really couldn't help herself.

And really, could you blame her?

"I don't think…"

"Shh."

Her not-morally-bankrupt companion whined a bit at the back of her noise and she promptly shushed her again. Adjusting the focus on her binoculars, she cleared up the blurry image before her.

The older woman was leaned over Suzaku's shoulder and whispered something conspiratorially in his ear.

Suzaku blanched and laughed it off nervously before quickly stepping as far away from the woman as possible.

The lady… just smiled.

Ooooh. Impressive.

She could practically see Suzaku sweating bullets.

_"Milly…_ we shouldn't… it's not _right._"

Milly Ashford.

Daughter and sole heir to an educational dynasty all over the world. She could cook, clean, tailor, make a heaven-sent apple pie, and had a wicked sense for cutting business deals with the ferocity of a lion. She was the pride and gem of the Ashford family and many great things were expected out of her.

She also up and broke the arranged marriage to some rich lunatic her parents chose and decided to become a news reporter instead.

Her parents, to put it nicely, were less than happy with her.

Milly Ashford also did not acquaint herself very well with knowing the definition of the phrase 'Respect One's Privacy.'

Which was why she had opted to spying on the _date_ Suzaku was on with Lelouch and an older woman she inferred to be Lelouch's mother.

"Hush, Shirley. Didn't _you_ want to know more about Suzaku's sweetheart? His _lover?_"

Shirley fidgeted.

"D-Don't call him that… Lelouch isn't—"

"Oh but he is!" she said excitedly, eyes glued to the scene before her through binoculars. "He is! He is! He is!"

Shirley whined a little more.

While Milly hadn't gotten all the details from Shirley on the matter, she was positively certain that Miss Fenette was acquainted with a not-so-eligible-anymore Mr Lamperouge. The way the girl almost broke out into tears about the news of Suzaku's new _boyfriend_ was a big hint—the giveaway was how she feigned innocence when Milly interrogated her on knowing Lelouch beforehand.

Lelouch's mother seemed to have received a call on her phone. After a few words she snapped it shut and waved away any questions Lelouch had for her. A few moments later a rather dignified-looking gentleman stopped by and proceeded to manhandle the woman over his shoulder and carry her away literally kicking and screaming while desperately clinging onto whatever anchor she could to stay.

Milly could only wonder what kind of a person she was.

And Suzaku turned to Lelouch.

Sneaking a glance at Shirley—who still looked perturbed over their spying on the pair—she grinned.

"Just look at them! Such lovebirds! Oh, look, Suzaku's going in for a ki—"

And suddenly the binoculars were snatched out of her hands.

It was hard not to giggle at Shirley's obvious jealousy.

Shirley watched for a few moments before flinching and handing them back to Milly. "That must've hurt…" She winced. "And he was _not!_" she declared, giving a pointed look at Milly.

Milly giggled and folded up the binoculars, standing up from the bushes they were taking cover from.

Shirley gave her a questioning look. "What are you doing?" she hissed.

"I'm going to greet the happy couple, of course."

Justifiably distraught green eyes widened in horror at those words.

Words, which, of course, were the foreshadow of things to come.

* * *

In the ten minutes Suzaku spent waiting for Lelouch as he went to the bathroom, he realized he wasn't a very patient man.

Honestly.

Only girls spent this long at the Lou.

…

Suzaku stifled a giggle.

Which came out anyway, making it look like he was choking on air.

After Living Hell had been (oh, thank _God_) carried away—quite _literally_—to work by her assistant, Suzaku and Lelouch had ventured into a restaurant, proceeded to order, and was split up as Lelouch went to the restroom. So now Suzaku was stuck enduring the wait.

He tapped his foot.

He tapped his fork on the table.

He checked his watch—

Yes, exactly ten—now eleven—minutes.

When his patience ran out, Suzaku rose from his seat just as he saw Lelouch emerge from the hallway the bathrooms were located.

With a _parasite_ attached to his arm, chatting up a storm happily.

_Milly Ashford._

Well #$!&.

Shirley Fenette was in tow, looking half miserable and half upset.

Milly grinned and waved at him as soon as she caught sight of him. "Yoohoo! Suzaku!" she called out, tugging Lelouch along quicker

Lelouch looked like he wanted to die.

Suzaku felt similar.

"What a funny coincidence, Kururugi! To meet you and your hot property here."

Lelouch's lip twitched but he said nothing.

"Yes. It is. Please leave. We're on a _private_ date."

Milly merely laughed and sat down next to Lelouch, across the table. "Nonsense. We're all friends here. I'd like to get to know your _lover_ just a little better too," Milly purred, snuggling right up next to Lelouch—who sighed. "Never know just what might happen in the future, right?"

She winked at him.

Suzaku felt irritated.

_"Milly."_

"Oh, come on, Suzaku! We barely spend any time together anymore you workaholic! And now that you've found yourself a man—"

_"Milly Ashford."_

It silenced her on the spot, but didn't stop the pouting look of irritation from settling on her face.

And then Lelouch laughed. "Why not, Suzaku? It'll only be for a little bit. You can sit down too," he added, looking at Shirley.

They all turned to Shirley, who was still standing—fiddling with her skirt a little and looking nervous. When she realized everyone was staring at her, she turned red enough to match her hair. With a reassuring look from Suzaku, she sat down next to him.

For the rest of their time at the restaurant, Suzaku was more than just a little miserable.

Milly continued to paw at Lelouch.

Shirley followed the action up by scolding her about decency.

Milly ignored the chastise.

Lelouch acted the perfect ladies man, showering attention evenly on them both—making an attempt at including Suzaku once or twice.

(Suzaku had to admit he did seem in his element. No wonder he was so confident about duping money out of him.)

Suzaku rebuffed every attempt and continued to sigh and stare out the window.

When Milly stood up, looking quite determined, Suzaku had the worst kind of feeling settle in his stomach. She had a resolved, determined kind of look in her eyes. It was the kind of look that should be a criminal offence on her personality types.

"I think it's time to split this into a double date!"

Suzaku's eyes widened.

Shirley gasped.

Lelouch choked on his soda water.

And with that declaration, a little bit of manhandling of Lelouch and a few protests from both boys, Milly Ashford had gone.

Taking Lelouch with her.

As soon as they left, Suzaku had moved around Shirley to chase after them so Milly couldn't corrupt—

"Suzaku."

Suzaku paused.

Shirley sounded rather… _conflicted._

He swivelled around to look at her.

She was red.

"C-Can I talk to you?"

* * *

Lelouch's opinion of Milly Ashford was thus:

The Energizer Bunny had some _mean_ competition.

"Suzaku only likes this kind of chocolate. You'll remember won't you?"

"I'll remember."

Milly beamed and tugged on his arm in another direction.

Since being separated from Suzaku and Shirley, Lelouch had been given a free lesson on Suzaku 101. Milly, Shirley, Kallen, and a few others had, apparently grown up and schooled together for a majority of their lives. In the time Lelouch had spent with Milly Ashford, he learned more than he ever wanted to know about Suzaku Kururugi.

Milly Ashford was a weird girl.

Lelouch couldn't really describe it, but she was a weird sort of weird. And since she knew he was taken—by a boy—it was difficult to use his usual charm and sweep her off her feet without arousing some suspicion.

And, even if the situation allowed for it, for the first time in his life, Lelouch doubted his skills to do so.

It was a little unnerving.

As they wandered into an antique shop by sheer curiosity, Lelouch watched as she inspected something rather old while—

"So have you two done it yet?"

—asking some rather personal questions.

Lelouch was horrified.

CC's (probably misleading) sex-ed fluttered across the forefront of his mind.

He turned an amazing shade of scarlet that matched his eyes wonderfully.

Milly giggled. "A yes?"

"N-No! We haven't done anything like that! Don't get the wrong idea!" Lelouch turned away from her.

She giggled again. "But it's _bound_ to happen sooner or later don't you think?"

There was a clink of glass on glass as she put down whatever item she was looking at and wound her arms tight around him. "I bet he'd be _real_ gentle with you," she whispered with her breath fluttering on his ear. "He loves you _so_ much after all. First he'd kiss your—"

Now let's see how Suzaku's doing with Shirley.

* * *

"You really think so?"

Shirley nodded determinedly. "I know so! It's every girl's dream to get married someday to the person they love! You need to just go out and—"

While Shirley was on a power trip, it would be good to note that Suzaku had finally found the little iWin button over Marianne.

Not so much found it as it had been given to him by Shirley Fenette over the expanse of ten minutes of preaching on the proper etiquette of relationships.

During the initial, rocky conversation with Shirley, Suzaku found out two things.

A. Shirley Fenette, in reality, was _not_ related to Lelouch in any way, shape, or form.

And B. She hadn't been able to stop thinking about him since meeting him that one time a long time ago, swapping numbers, and taking him to a business mixer as a date.

Where Suzaku had literally bumped into him, ruined his suit jacket (it really _was_ an accident), and proceeded to make the last few months probably (not probably, definitely) the worst few months in all of Lelouch's life.

Lelouch never called her back after that night and she was too nervous to call him.

The rest was history.

After getting over the interrogation of whether Suzaku's feelings for Lelouch were genuine (which they weren't) Shirley had accepted Suzaku's well-played answer and commenced doing everything in her power to get them hitched as soon as possible—even offering wedding information. Her philosophy was that two people who love each other should obviously get married.

And have children.

Or (in their case) adopt.

It was a rather interesting conversation in the form of a strange pep talk.

(Do you love him?)

(Of course I do!)

(Then you absolutely _must_ marry him!)

(Right! Wait—what?)

And while he was protesting that marriage was taking it a little _too fast_, Suzaku was _really_ thinking that marriage would be taking a stupid little joke a little _too far._

Marriage was permanent and legally binding, after all.

And then Shirley mentioned how Lelouch's mother would be _thrilled_ about it and that was where Suzaku decided to cross just a few lines to win the little competition between himself and Lelouch's mother.

Reason was promptly thrown out the window.

Let it never be said that Suzaku Kururugi wouldn't do anything to win.

Once again, let it never be said that Suzaku Kururugi wouldn't do anything to win.

"—with the biggest rock you can find!" Shirley paused, and then blinked. "Oh, but I wonder if Lulu would like diamonds…" Her face fell. "He's… well… he's a boy after all. So maybe a simple—"

"No, no, I'll get him the traditional diamond."

Suzaku grinned, imagining the horror on Lelouch's face after presenting him a _diamond_ ring that was more than just a little too _feminine_ for a _boy_ to be wearing on his finger.

"Suzaku! Suzaku! How about this one?"

Suzaku looked over at the gem-studded band escorting more than just a few carats of A Girl's Best Friend.

It was elegant.

It was pristine.

It was beautiful.

And it was _amazingly_ girly.

"Miss, I'll take this one."

* * *

Lelouch wasn't quite sure if he should be worried or terrified.

Since reuniting with Suzaku and Shirley, and after being scarred for life from Milly, the girls had gone their separate ways. Milly had left satisfied, leaving Lelouch in a perpetual state of horror. (The only saving grace from _that_ ordeal was the (misinforming) chit-chat he had with CC on a previous occasion. Milly Ashford had said things of a similar stock.)

Shirley had left… _smiling_ and Lelouch wasn't sure if that was altogether a _good_ thing or not.

He never actually got around to phoning her up again like he said he would.

Now he was sitting alone in row 16A of some sports game. There was a ball on the field, people were moving, the crowd cheered like raving lunatics every so often, and that was all he understood. Lelouch didn't really know. He wasn't really the physically-able type to be playing sports for recreational purposes.

He bruised rather easily after all.

What was worse was that Suzaku had been gone for some time now and Lelouch was tempted to leave since the half-time break was almost due.

Suzaku would understand.

Right?

Right.

But then a small ounce of guilt always kept him back. Suzaku had been _nice_ to him in a non-sexual-harassment kind of way for the rest of the afternoon.

He wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

To be perfectly honest, it was odd.

On top of that, he realized (with mild horror) that he had gotten used to Suzaku holding his hand everywhere they went and had even stopped thinking about it. It paled in comparison to the fact that Suzaku was _still_ being less of a jerk than usual on his Consider This list.

Lelouch had decided it was a rather _pleasant_ change.

By the time the break was announced and the score was tied, Lelouch was getting impatient and began to—

Uh oh.

And for a few deer-in-the-headlight moments, Lelouch could only wonder why Suzaku was grinning at him.

From on the large four-screen.

He took a sip of his soft-drink, hoping it was poisoned.

Every kind of bad and ominous feeling settled in his stomach all at once as he sunk lower in his seat.

Lelouch had heard of this kind of thing before and opted not to do it on the rare chance that the girl would refuse or that they would get hitched and _some_ random person would remember he was once married.

That and it cost _a lot_ of money he was unwilling to part with.

Suzaku knelt to the ground, holding up a box of the size and shape Lelouch was fairly familiar with.

He sunk lower in his seat, praying to every deity he knew about to be struck by lightning.

_"Lelouch Lamperouge—"_

He _was not_.

_"—the love of my—"_

He _was not_.

_"—life, will you—"_

He _was not._

_"—marry me?"_ echoed throughout the stadium, currently seating over three-thousand some-odd patrons.

_He was._

The screen panned to Lelouch and he could feel a small part of him die inside.

Right there.

Proposing was one thing, but being proposed _to_ was something _entirely_ different.

Especially when it involved _a lot_ of media attention as eyes everywhere swivelled in his direction as the screen panned to show him. The part of Lelouch that wasn't dying from several different forms of embarrassment and horror was taking note that Humiliation was making good use of the media and all its evil, spread-gossip-like-a-disease wonders.

There were whispers everywhere and a few excited giggles.

Marriage was a solemn bond that signified the undying love between two individuals. It was sacred. It was something _big_, something _important_, and generally something you didn't do on a whim.

It was also a very legally binding and life-scarring (when considering the partner involved) event. And he didn't know if he could ever live down the fact that he would be married to a _fag_ for a week. A day. An hour. Heck, married to _another man_ at all.

And then there was the _honeymoon._

Lelouch kicked that thought to the curb.

Even so.

Suzaku Kururugi was _rich._

And he was _no longer_ single.

And he was offering Lelouch the keys to the much sought-after bank account of the world's richest man.

Despite the public humiliation, which, sad to say, he was getting quite accustomed to, Suzaku's offer was terribly tempting.

"I… Uh…"

Lelouch glanced around.

There were a few who whispered 'Say yes' behind him encouragingly and many others who were smiling in his direction knowingly.

An employee tapped his shoulder and handed him a microphone with which to voice back his response. The screen panned back to Suzaku.

He started to look worried and his lips turned down _just enough,_ as his eyes—

Good Lord, WHY!?

He used _it._

_That._

_"Will you?"_

Lelouch cursed the day he was born with everything he had.

"I…"

_"I love you."_

Cue the resounding 'Awww.'

He pursed his lips, wanting to die _just_ that much more with every passing—

"I'll marry you…"

Cheers erupted throughout the stadium and everyone around him was congratulating him and throwing popcorn in the air and—it was a horribly public display that would haunt Lelouch for the rest of his days.

And, in the future, when Lelouch looked back on this moment—if he ever chose to remember it instead of denying it ever happened—he would always remember this was the final straw of how this job had destroyed him in ways he couldn't describe—and in more ways than one.

* * *

They had opted to walk home.

They talked about idle things, like the marriage. There was a bit of teasing and Lelouch succumbed to the thought of going through the ceremony being the one to wear a dress—with a little bit of horror, a little bit of 'Why Me?' and just a touch of 'I'm going to kill myself when this is all over.'

And when they got home and told Marianne about it she just laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

So much that tears were forming in her eyes.

And then she had Suzaku pinned against the wall with a knife digging into the wall by the side of his head with a gloved hand squeezing around his throat.

No one had really even seen her move.

_"How dare you!_ You _evil_ little, scum-eating, _vile_, worthless—"

She wrenched the knife out of the wall and drove it into—

"Miss, murder is still slightly illegal in Japan," Jeremiah intervened calmly, restraining her wrist easily as she lashed out futilely. Her knuckles whitened against the handle of the knife while her mouth became a fountain of profanity.

Lelouch didn't even know his mother was capable of such language.

After Jeremiah reached for her other wrist just as Suzaku was turning blue, he dragged her away into a room—screaming, and still red-hot with rage thinking about only one thing.

Several minutes later, Jeremiah emerged with Marianne bound, gagged, and slung over his shoulder. She was still making a pretty mean effort at escape and, impressively enough, was able to shoot Suzaku a few not-very-friendly looks from her position perched over the man's shoulders.

"The Miss apologizes for her earlier behaviour and congratulates you both on this happy news."

Marianne screamed behind her gag once more, exhibiting anything but apology and happiness.

Jeremiah turned to Lelouch.

Lelouch stiffened.

While they weren't blood-related, Jeremiah always had Lelouch's best interests at heart and treated him like he was a son.

It was touching.

"Lelouch, I'm glad you've found someone to share your happiness with. I wish you both all the—"

BANG. BANG. BANG.

All eyes turned towards the door just behind them.

Suzaku frowned, rubbed his throat, and muttered something darkly about what other freaks were banging on his door just as he opened it to—

"LULU!"

Lelouch had exactly three seconds to let out a strangled cry before being tackled to the ground by—

"Mao!?"

Mao looked like he had been crying and was hugging him around his middle as much as possible. He gave a small sniffle before nuzzling into the crook of Lelouch's neck affectionately, sobbing slightly.

An indiscriminate shiver passed through Lelouch and the urge to kick him off and escape manifested as his homophobia came out full force. Out of the corner of his eye he registered the deadly blank look on his mother's face while everyone else stared on at the scene in stunned silence.

"How could you leave me for Suzaku!? You said I was _special!_"

Lelouch's eyes widened. "I don't—_what!?_ Get off of—"

"Lulu, I love you!" he declared proudly, right before placing both hands on either side of Lelouch's face and planting a kiss that was every bit as hot, steamy, passionate, and one-sided as it was in all the romance novels and shoujo manga.

The English Language had nothing on the trauma Lelouch was going through right now in an appropriately named Life-Scarring Event as Lelouch went into a state of horrified—

And, oh _God_, that's his _tongue._

It was _wet._

It was _horrifying._

It was _Mao._

Lelouch screamed.

And promptly blacked out.

* * *

Roughly an hour earlier.

"No, _YOU_ don't understand, apparently. Do I have to come over there and show you how it's done? Cut it myself? Since _your_ people obviously—"

The response made her angry and CC folded her arms, growling slightly.

"What do you _mean_ that _doesn't matter!?_ Of _course_ it matters! How could it _not_ matter? Do you drink your coffee cold? No. Do I want my pizza cut unequally? No. It's _crucial_ that—What do you _mean_ it's '_just_ pizza, Miss'? I'll show you—"

CC paused at their proposal.

Ooh.

They were offering her pizza.

On the house.

For a _month._

And how could they not? She was probably their biggest customer. Since arriving in Japan CC had hooked up to the nearest Pizza Hut like a drug addict and commenced ordering anywhere between two and twelve boxes a week; less if Lelouch cooked and more if he didn't. Not that she didn't love Lelouch's cooking more than Pizza or vice versa—it was just more convenient—especially since Lelouch made _the most perfect_ pizza she had ever eaten.

His pizza was so good it should've been called crack instead.

"Fine," she agreed, caving into the manager's attempt at keeping their number one customer happy. "But the slices better be even this time and in equal degrees. I have a protractor with me and I'll be _measuring_," she added threateningly, resolving to find the plastic semi-circle to do just that.

And with enough said, she hung up on Pizza Hut.

Sighing, she slumped into the couch. The love of _her_ life was being sloppy with her. With another dramatic sigh, CC held a hand over her heart.

It ached horribly.

She missed Lelouch.

Ever since the dinner a while ago he had been spending day in and day out with his mother and Suzaku. Although CC was curious to see how _that_ was going—especially when she remembered Lelouch freaking out about it as soon as he got home from the dinner—she was told strictly not to come by.

Huffing, CC got up and headed to her room, finding the nicest outfit she could muster and threw it on.

After all, when was the last time she ever listened properly to what Lelouch had to say?

(That bit about Gino notwithstanding.)

There was no reason for her _not_ to make Lelouch's life just that much more miserable to enrich her own (well, no reason she bothered acknowledging anyway). Suzaku had met her. Marianne had met her. The only thing that was missing was her actually being there.

Slipping on a purse she skipped downstairs, opened the door, and—

_"Mao?"_

—froze on the spot.

Mao, who had been just about to ring the doorbell, turned to her and his eyes lit up, sparkling blue in their childlike wonder. A happy gasp escaped his lips as he threw his arms around her and swung her around in a tight hug before planting her back down on her feet, holding her at arms length.

"CC! You left a note for me on your door and so I came!"

CC blinked, dumbfounded and slightly dazed.

"I left a…"

_"Gone to Japan for something stupid, be back soon."_

_- CC and Lelouch._

"…oh yeah, I guess I did. You didn't have to come here; I said I would be back soon," she cooed.

Mao frowned and whined a little. "But you were gone for so long! I was lonely. Where's Lulu? Didn't he come with you? Lulu~!" he called out around her, cupping a hand to his mouth for better acoustics.

"He's not here. He's over at his boyfriend's place," CC explained.

He blinked. "His… _boyfriend?_ Lulu's come out of the closet?"

"No, he's—"

"Lifting shirts?"

CC giggled. She missed Mao. "No, no. He's just—"

"Batting for the other team?"

Another giggle. "_Shh_. _Listen_. He's in the middle of a con and the target just happens to be gay—so he's pretending to be gay."

Mao blinked. "Oh. Because you know I always thought he was a bit of a Nancy."

Another giggle.

"So where were you headed?" he asked, looking her attire over. "Can I come?" Mao asked, eyes sparkling with eagerness.

"I was just…"

And then a particularly _evil_ thought struck her.

And that's never a good thing.

(For Lelouch anyway.)

"Actually, Mao, can you do me a… _tiny_ favour?"

He tilted his head curiously.

And suddenly CC's desire to go drop a surprise visit diminished into nothing.

* * *

Comment:

This is the longest chapter title I've ever thought of. It's also my favourite one. I probably enjoy making these titles up more than actually writing this story. Go figure. And tell me, were you surprised? By Mao I mean.

For everyone who said they like Minute Maid the best, you get plus three points. Coke is plus two. And Pepsi is evil in a can which radiates negative thirty points perpetually. I prefer my drinks to sound like a drug. Plus, they own Minute Maid now instead of McCain. My love and support is sold on forfeit.

The fact that I've tried deep-fried Coke before is a testament to my love and commitment. It tasted pretty good actually. Except near the bottom. So what's the weirdest thing _you've_ eaten? Not seen, but actually eaten. If it beats deep-fried Coke for me, I'll give you something special from the next chapter. And, yes, I do expect to hear what they taste like. "Chicken" is an unacceptable answer.

Deep-fried Coke tastes like deep-fried Coke.

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.


	10. A Touch of Miscommunication

Recent Story of My Life: Broken Leg + Hospital Bed = No Writing + Crutches + No Writing + Unhappy Camper = No Writing. And all that pales in comparison to the fact that the grocery store closest to me no longer carries Minute Maid orange juice. That alone is enough to make me quit this writing hobby of mine almost altogether seeing as how my pen-name would be a cruel reminder of how I have to travel further for it.

Pre-Comment: Every writer comes at the crossroads in their writing where they have to ask themselves: "Why do I still write this?" My answer comes in the form of a 250+ number and a steadily growing fanbase of worship, adoration, and stalker-vibe type love. I sometimes wonder what kind of person that makes me, and then I remember that I don't care. Continue telling me how much you love m—er—this story, and I shall supply you with more of it. Until it's over.

Enjoy the much-awaited Chapter Ten, Devotees.

* * *

Chapter Ten: A Touch of Miscommunication

Let it never be said that Suzaku Kururugi always thought out the ramifications of every action he took completely, and or, to be perfectly honest, very smartly.

_"How about the cake? The colours?"_ Cue excited gasp. _"Suzaku! What about his dress! There's so many things to think about!"_ was screeched excitedly on the speaker-phone system.

And do you _really_ need to be _told_ just who was on the other end of the line?

Suzaku didn't respond; he was miserable.

Miserable and it was an effect of his own less-than-thought-out doing.

_"Suzaku! Suzaku!"_

He groaned.

Marriage? What was he thinking?

Oh. Right.

He _wasn't._

This had just come half-baked out of his brain as a plot to defeat Marianne and 'win' Lelouch for the sake of winning. (With a little provocation from Shirley.) Because he wanted to, and because he could, and because his inborn competitive nature wouldn't let him live it down if he didn't.

Now that he _had _won… well, it was hard to come to terms with actually receiving the 'prize.'

In a very permanent and legally binding fashion.

_"Suzaku! What about the bridesmaids? Will they be girls? Or, or—"_

Another ecstatic squeal.

After a good, long debate with himself on whether he should inform his family of this questionably joyous news, Suzaku caved to the fact that he had no idea how to go about any of this. In the end, it turned out he didn't need to worry at all, because he thought out the ramifications of proposing at a _live_ sports event _even les_s than proposing in general.

No, he wasn't thinking very much _at all._

Misery loved company, but Suzaku attracted it (as a result of some overriding personality traits) like it was stalking him.

"Suzaku~!"

Another groan as Suzaku ran his hands through his hair. _"What is it,_ Kaguya? No, I haven't figured out any of those things. It just… it just happened, okay? An impulse."

An impulse that won the little tug-o-war with Marianne but earned him a bigger problem as well as an environmentally unfriendly one. Only twelve hours after the proposal, his email inbox was flooded with congratulatory letter after congratulatory letter. Judging by how Nina was duct-taping a few boxes marked for recycling, the news had reached the ears of just about everyone living within borders of the country and possibly a few out of if Tianzi's handwritten congratulations had anything to say about it.

As a result, Suzaku had finally devised a recycling program in the idle time he spent trying _not_ to think about the extremely huge mess he had gotten himself into.

The rest of the day had been spent escaping reality, making paper airplanes, escaping reality, being unproductive by doing zero work, escaping reality, and listening to his cousin gush non-stop about the eventual wedding. (He had eventually given up on trying to make her stop.)

The last one was a little counter-productive to a good deal of the former.

Yes, Suzaku was miserable.

_"You'll have to meet his family!"_

Scratch that.

Suzaku was now _more_ miserable.

(Granted that the rest of his family was as psychotic as Marianne was.)

(Which a few of them were.)

He rubbed his temple. "Kaguya, it's not that big of a—"

_"Don't you dare say it's 'not a big deal' Kururugi Suzaku! This IS a big deal! A VERY big deal! You're getting MARRIED! How can it NOT be a big deal!?"_

Suzaku sighed.

He knew he crossed lines, but the explicit joy of seeing Lelouch just about die from every kind of embarrassment known to man (and men in particular) and seeing Marianne's face light up with the look of defeat was well worth it.

_iWin,_ Marianne, _iWin._

_"Suzaku! Suzaku!"_

Suzaku groaned and hissed out a, _"What?"_

_"Don't forget the honeymoon!"_

iLose.

More than you know.

* * *

_"Love and marriage~ Love and marriage~"_

_"SHUT UP!"_

It didn't take any imagination at all to picture the scene at hand.

"—like a horse and—"

_"SHUT UP!"_

CC giggled, cycling her legs in the air, tearing up, gasping for breath, coughing, and regaining composure. When she had calmed down enough, she started the cycle all over again. Rinse and repeat.

When she opened her mouth to ridicule him more, the doorbell rang.

Springing to her feet, CC skipped downstairs with a cheerful, "I'll get it~!"

A few moments later, she called up for him, "Lulu! Your _lover's_ here to see you!"

Lelouch groaned and rolled over before pushing himself up off the bed and heading downstairs to—

Lights.

Cameras.

Microphone.

Deer-in-the-headlights reaction.

"Mr Lamperouge, what does it feel like to be engaged to the CEO of the Sakura Group?"

"I—_What!?_ How do you—"

"—how long have you two been seeing each—"

"That's—"

"—is this a _shotgun_ wedding? How do your pa—"

"A _what?_ How can that even be possi—?"

"Have you saved yourself just for—?"

Lelouch shut the door.

For a brief moment, all he could think was: _Mmmm, cyanide._

A giggle came from somewhere on the couch.

"I guess you really _do_ like it when they 'jump the gun' on you."

"CC, I'm going to—"

"Going to _what_, Nancy Kururugi_?_" she taunted. A grin was plastered to her face. "Sick your _lover_ on me?"

Lelouch opened his mouth to say something then promptly snapped it shut and proceeded to sit and sulk on the couch. He wasn't going to fall for this trap again.

No matter how much he wanted to, to appease his frustration.

CC plopped down next to him and giggled a bit more before calming down. Leaning on his shoulder, she sighed airily and they had a quiet moment of peace together while CC came down from her high and Lelouch sat fuming silently.

"Hey, Lelouch."

_"What?"_ he snapped.

"Can I be the Maid of Honour?"

Another fierce growl was followed up by the door to Lelouch's bedroom slamming somewhere upstairs. If you listened closely you could hear a string of curses rattling through the ventilation ducts. CC burst into another torrent of laughing before flipping on the television.

_"…introducing his new fiancé, Lelouch Lamperouge, at a banquet event tonight. All guests are welcome."_

CC hummed thoughtfully. _"Interesting._"

* * *

"Come on, buddy! You _have_ to have a stag party! You're going to be a married man soon! You should take the opportunity to flirt around with other unmarried men before—"

_"Gino,"_ came the frosty warning.

Gino gave him _that_ look.

Suzaku huffed and turned away.

Immunity to 'that' look: One hundred percent.

"Please? For me?"

"I think you're missing the point of a stag party by saying that, Gino."

"But I'm your best man—"

"Who decided _that?"_

Gino frowned, taking his arm off from around Suzaku's shoulders. It was a good thing they were in a private room otherwise the rumour mill would have to work overtime if anyone got a snapshot of that.

"Well. Who _else_ would it be? Bride's not going to be in two places at once."

"I could always ask—"

And Suzaku promptly shut his mouth.

Well.

Who _could_ he ask?

If he asked Rival it would be as good as saying this marriage would be legitimate to him—and that said he was marrying Lelouch because he actually harboured romantic feelings for him beyond a sadistic need for humiliation. Except he didn't. Have _feelings_ for Lelouch, that is.

He shuddered slightly at the thought.

Gino at least knew this was all a big farce.

But then again the grin on Gino's face clearly told him he didn't think any of this was make-believe anymore. It also backed up Gino's aforementioned claim that Lelouch was 'enough to turn _anyone_ gay.' (Which he firmly believed happened to Suzaku.)

Gino grinned. "See? Besides, if you don't let me do it, I'm going to rat you out to my boss on how you cheated on three-sixty-one two wee—"

"Okay! Fine, you win!"

"And that's what I like to hear," Gino remarked triumphantly before tugging on Suzaku's collar to put it in order.

Really.

What was Suzaku doing here?

At a public party where 'everyone was welcome' to celebrate his engagement to another man.

While he couldn't remember the specific details, he _might_ have remembered when he agreed to this as Nina had walked in his office and listed off a bunch of things that needed his approval or attention of some sort. Unfortunately she came at the worst possible time when Suzaku was too occupied making his seventh paper airplane more aerodynamic than the last six, and thus the only thing you could feasibly get out of him was: 'Uh-huh, uh-huh, sure'—and other variations of.

Since it was designed to 'formally introduce' Lelouch to the society Suzaku generally dealt with on a day to day basis, Suzaku took the liberty of not telling Lelouch about it. And if anyone asked, Lelouch was at home. Sick. Maybe, just _maybe_, someone would take pity on him and force him away from this party to take care of a sick-but-not Lelouch. At that point in time Suzaku would just go home and try to think how he could escape his wedding day set in two months time.

An arm was slung around his shoulders while he looked in the mirror to fix his tie. Gino was having just a bit too much fun with all this—now thoroughly convinced Suzaku wasn't 'pretending to be queer' for kicks.

Marriage was crossing _just_ a few lines, after all.

_Normal_ people didn't _pretend_ to _propose_ to their fake-boyfriends.

Hell, normal people didn't pretend to be gay for kicks.

(The mere fact that normality didn't stop Suzaku from doing all of that was like a game of 'spot the red flag.')

"Lighten up, Suzaku! Even if your boy-toy—" Yes, Gino had read the headline from a while ago and never ceased to call Lelouch that behind his back since. "—isn't here tonight, at least _you_ can enjoy yourself. For instance, you can look at all the hot chicks!"

Suzaku groaned.

"Then again, I guess you're not really into chicks. I suppose there'll be some hot guy—"

_"Gino!"_

"Wait, does this mean there'll have to be male strippers at your stag?"

Suzaku shrugged Gino's arm off and walked towards the door, tugging his tie in order. "Look, Weinberg, don't make such a big deal out of this." Suzaku opened the door. "It's not like I actua—"

And then something caught his eye.

Well.

A _someone_ to be exact.

Gino's arm found its way around his shoulders again. He whistled. "If I didn't know any better, that's Bradley from public relations trying to get to first with your boy on the other side of the room."

And it was true.

In a corner Luciano Bradley had a drink in hand and was leaning over Lelouch, who looked like a terrified rabbit trying, and failing, to hide some obvious discomfort. (It was pretty easy for Suzaku to pick that out since he was the cause of such discomfort a good majority of the time.)

"Or… maybe he's trying to hit a home run?" Gino mused, cupping a hand to his chin in thought.

Suzaku's first reaction was, more or less: Huh, didn't know Bradley swung that way.

The second was what you were probably expecting.

And suddenly Luciano and Lelouch weren't on the other side of the room anymore, but instead right in front of him. Well, one of them was right in front of him and Luciano was on the floor cursing up a storm while holding his face in sheer agony.

It took a while for his subordinate from public relations to get a hold of himself and the situation he was now in. When he did, he glared up at Suzaku through the tears swimming in his eyes.

"What the hell is wrong with you, man!?" pierced the gentle murmur and atmosphere of the room.

Heads turned.

The sound of music stopped because band in the corner had abandoned their job momentarily to indulge in much more interesting pursuits. Like watching the start of a very good train wreck. Never mind the fact that Luciano had just yelled at his boss, it was the fact that Suzaku had, for the first time in his life, _decked_ someone. Luciano was just that type of yell-at-your-boss kind-of guy, but Suzaku wasn't the punch-people-for-fun type of person.

One way or another, it, yes, turned into one of _those_ scenes.

(And was just as public as the one Lelouch experienced with Emily and Kallen way way back.)

"Sorry, I saw stupidity on your face and was trying to help you get rid of it."

Luciano felt his lip uncertainly and drew back bloodied fingers. He swore again loudly. "For crying out loud, buddy, it's not like he's your—"

As Luciano's eyes widened suddenly, you could tell this was where that _'Oh'_ moment finally hit him.

And then he swore again.

Quite loudly.

He took a glance around at everyone watching the spectacle—who now consisted of the entire room looking on in appalled shock and or horror—then back to Suzaku. Groaning loudly, he turned on his heel and walked toward the exit.

"Congrats on your engagement, Kururugi—you lucky dog; I'll see you on Monday, boss."

"See you on Monday, Bradley."

Suzaku sighed in relief for a moment.

Just a moment because he now had to deal with the entirety of the room still looking on with nothing better to do.

And then a glaring pitch from the speakers set up everywhere made everyone wince.

_"Sorry about that, folks, but it's time to get on with the show~!"_ Gino announced from the podium, centre stage with a microphone. Everyone turned appropriately to give him their (almost) undivided attention. (A few were still secretly watching Suzaku and Lelouch out of the corner of their eyes for more drama.)

Thankful for the distraction, Suzaku turned back to Lelouch—who looked like he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself—and sighed.

"Are you alright, Lelouch?"

"More or less. We were just talking about baking."

Pause.

Blink.

_"Baking?"_

"Yeah, kind of. Sounded like he really likes baking. He was wondering what size oven I have, and how many cream pies it would fit. I told him I had an industrial-size oven back home and he could come look at it sometime if he wanted to."

Suddenly Suzaku wanted to go hunt down Bradley and find him a nice hospital for three weeks of vacation.

Without pay.

"Lelouch, you're not allowed to talk to him ever again."

"Why n—"

"Just don't. If you—just don't."

"But—"

Suzaku cupped his face and—

Kicked Puppy Look. All rights reserved.

_"Please?"_

As expected, Lelouch shied away (with a split-second look of horror) from his touch and muttered his compliance before looking away out the nearby window at the blinking lights of Tokyo. He folded his arms, looking mildly offended and more than just a little pissed off.

Wait. A little _what?_

Uh oh.

"What's wrong?" Suzaku asked, frowning.

"Why didn't you tell me you had this planned?"

He didn't. Really.

Tonight was all Gino and Kaguya's doing. He was just the victim of it being informed roughly forty-five minutes before arriving and getting dressed in a private room nearby.

"Look, I—"

"Hey, Romeo and Juliet, I hate to interrupt, but Mr Weinberg's running out of things to say covering for your little _lover's spat._ So stop keeping the rest of us waiting, will you?"

Suzaku turned and saw the girl with the big rack that Lelouch was shacking up with. She was wearing a red dress with a spider lily (weren't those poisonous?) tied up in her hair and looked like Christmas come early. In more than one way. What was her name again? Fruitopia? Miss E Cup?

Whatever; it wasn't important anyway.

Lelouch sighed. "CC, what are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming. Why did you come?"

Oh, so it was CC.

Go figure.

CC shrugged innocently. "Because I wanted to. Anyway, you should take over for Gino before things get worse."

"What do you mean—?"

_"—for the ride of his life on hot red! And let me tell you, from then on, it was like trying to pry away a cat from its scratching post with Suzaku and Lelouch!"_

Suzaku wiped a hand over his face before marching over to the stage where the spotlight was cast over Gino. Lelouch was right behind him.

When Gino caught sight of Suzaku's (probably angry) face, he smiled courteously and turned back to the ground, stepping aside for the pair approaching the stage. "And here's the man of the hour to introduce the finest goods this side of—"

"Thank you, Gino," Suzaku cut off.

The crowd chuckled good-naturedly.

Gino saluted him before bowing and sitting down off to the side.

"Everyone, thanks for coming out tonight on such short notice—"

"Silly! We've all known about this almost two weeks ago!"

Suzaku turned to Gino—who smiled sheepishly.

"Well, never mind then. I'd like you all to meet my beloved fiancé, Lelouch Lamperouge," he introduced, pulling Lelouch closer to him by slipping an arm around his waist.

Lelouch stiffened, squirming helplessly as he smiled stiffly at the crowd and nodded his head at them.

"He's a bit shy, so don't expect too much out of him. It took everything I had to figure out what colour of—"

"Suzaku!" Lelouch scolded—eyes wide with horror as his face turned steadily darker.

The crowd giggled again.

Leaning in quickly, Suzaku kissed his ear and sensually whispered, "Sorry, about that, love."

Lelouch jerked away from him and clapped a hand over his ear. His eyes went from the on-looking crowd to Suzaku and back again—causing his flush to deepen to an almost imperceptible scarlet.

The crowd cooed at the sentiment.

The mass of green in the back shook with ill-contained laughter.

Suzaku held back the desire to just bust out laughing himself. It had all suddenly come back to him why he was doing this in the first place—and that was something he would probably need to survive tonight.

"He's _really_ very shy. Well, anyway, since I wasn't told a whole lot about tonight, I'll hand the reigns back over to Gino so we can get on with our night."

Gino sprung out of his seat and took the microphone from Suzaku eagerly. "Suzaku, if you want, I have some reigns of a different sort you can borrow for later," he said, wagging his eyebrows.

Although Suzaku chuckled in good humour, in his head he was calculating how much money it'd set him back to see Gino tortured over open fire. Just a bit. But when he turned to Lelouch to see just how much he was looking like he'd never lose that mortified expression on his face, suddenly everything was fine.

"For tonight, we have a bunch of games planned for everyone before dinner starts! The first is a scavenger hunt! There are only _three—"_ Gino demonstrated with his fingers. "—items on this list you'll need and it's different for every group! Some tell you outright what you need while others will give clues and hints to where you'll find them. We'll be sorted into groups of three—just so these two don't _run off_ on us somewhere and leave us hanging."

Gino winked at him.

The crowd giggled again.

"And, you'll want to try your _very best_ at winning this game because there's a _prize_ in it for you!"

Suzaku had a _bad_ feeling about this.

* * *

"Girls, I think I may be in love," Milly declared.

Shirley sighed as she read over the list of items they needed: A toothbrush, a waffle-iron, and cherry red lipstick. It wasn't, overall, such a bad list to compile, but really, a waffle-iron?

A _waffle-iron?_

She had taken the liberty to voice this complaint more than once.

Milly sighed. "It's genius! This man, Weinberg, he's worth his salt in event planning!"

Another light sigh. "Milly, just _where_ are we going to find a waffle-iron? I mean, I have lipstick in my purse—" (And yes, it was the same ugly red purse she had when meeting Lelouch for the first time.) "—but what about the… toothbrush and waffle-iron?"

There was a pause of silence before a polite cough from the left of them caused them both to look over.

Shirley blushed. She had forgotten the other girl was there. Again. Nina. Suzaku's secretary who probably had better things to do tonight but ended up coming anyway. After all, from all her duties and responsibilities within the company Suzaku told Shirley about, she had no doubt in her mind Nina was a good reason the Sakura Group ran as well as it did.

Suzaku wasn't known for his superior organizational skills or other similar type 'A' qualities after all.

"Mr Kururugi has both up in his room on the top floor. I… uh… have keys."

Milly squealed in glee and linked her arm with the bespectacled secretary and dragging her towards the nearest elevator, pushing the 'Up' button multiple times as if willing it to come faster. "You, Miss, are amazing. Come on, Shirley time's wasting and I intend to win this thing!"

And this overshadowed the question of just _why_ Suzaku had a _waffle-iron_ up in his room.

Another sigh.

Shuffling around in her purse, she found her lipstick and sighed again.

It was light pink.

* * *

"I'd rather keep that to our private lives, Suzaku."

"Just a tiny one, Lelouch? It's for the scavenger hunt."

"Suzaku, I don't—"

"I don't get why you're so uptight about it, Lelouch; you'll be kissing Suzaku in front of hundreds of people at the ceremony anyway. In a beautiful white wedding dress to boot."

Lelouch had spent the past two weeks trying to forget that.

Thanks Weinberg.

Really, thanks.

Lelouch didn't want to think about that.

He didn't want to think about anything right now.

Especially this _stupid_ scavenger hunt this blonde _idiot_ next to him had come up with.

By a 'lucky coincidence,' Gino had been sorted into their group and, as a result, had been given an _advanced_ search list. The reasoning behind this was that the couple of the hour weren't allowed to win. As a code of conduct. It didn't help that Gino was keeping his mouth shut on what the prize for all this nonsense could possibly be.

Lelouch folded his arms and Suzaku sighed, smoothing out the crumpled piece of paper that was their scavenger list on his lap.

" 'One steamy hot kiss.' 'One declaration of love and devotion.' 'One pack of gum.' "

None of them mentioned how out-of-place the third item was, but they all thought it. (Except for maybe Gino, who shrugged and simply stated that he 'wanted gum.')

"I think we've got this if only—"

"No," Lelouch cut off stubbornly.

Under normal circumstances, Lelouch would've done everything possible to win. They were straightforward, easy tasks and objects after all. Within his life he had showered girls with love, devotion, _and_ kisses. Had Suzaku been a girl, this would've all been in the bag.

However, this situation was far from normal and Suzaku was _not_ a girl.

Far.

From.

It.

Gino sighed. "Man, I should've gone with the girls. So much for that cash pri—"

"I'll do it." Getting up, Lelouch headed over to the stairway.

All hail selective hearing.

There was a pause of shocked silence for the other two to catch up to what just happened.

"You'll do… Really?" Suzaku asked (genuinely surprised at this three-sixty).

It took everything Lelouch had to not think about actually going through with it, because if he did, he knew he wouldn't have the resolve to finish what he started. If he did he knew he'd start thinking about that time in the mall, and Mao, and—

Oh God.

Too late.

And then arms circled him from behind. "I'm very happy, Lelouch."

It was no big surprise that Lelouch's homophobia kicked in and he yelped like a little girl and jerked away from Suzaku's grip into freedom—

—as well as a slight freefall down a small flight of stairs.

"Lelouch!"

And then there was pain.

* * *

_"Red underwear?_ Is Weinberg insane or just perverted?" Kallen groused.

CC giggled and snatched the slip of paper away, reading the list (if you could call it that) of two for the ninth time that night. Due to the uneven number, their group had no third and Gino had given them a _special_ list to do instead—consisting of only two items, but items that were questionably harder to obtain.

The lollipop she had hoodwinked off a security guard they met earlier shifted from one side of her mouth to the other.

"I'd say a bit of both. It's really endearing actually."

"I can't understand why you aren't together with him. Lelouch is gay—and getting married to boot. Give him up already." Under her breath, Kallen muttered something like, "I know I have."

CC giggled again as a response.

In the first five minutes of officially meeting the red-haired tornado that was Kallen Stadtfeld (who arrived to the party late, and was on vacation in Tokyo until after the wedding ceremony) for the first time, CC had deduced that Kallen already made the assumption that she was hopelessly infatuated with Lelouch.

Pffft.

Only part true.

If his credit card counted as part of him, that is.

(She was pretty good at forging his signature for it by now too; so really, there was no point in getting her own at this stage.)

"Well then, red panties. Off with it."

Kallen coloured and folded her arms self-consciously. "W-What makes you think they're red?"

"Because I'm all-knowing." And because Kallen's red dress was of the sort that occasionally let the perceptive viewer slip peeks at it from an angle. "So, are they coming off voluntarily or am I going to have to retrieve them?"

Gritting her teeth, Kallen looked around them in the deserted hallway on the fifth floor of the Sakura Group's headquarters. While renting out an entire building for nightly festivities would've cost an arm and a leg, Sakura HQ was practically free.

The actual suggestion to use the building free-of-charge came (somewhat unsurprisingly) from Lelouch.

Grudgingly she pulled aside the red, slinky dress she was wearing before looking up at CC with a blush tinting her cheeks. "No peeking."

At her command, CC turned around and sighed as she heard fabric shuffle.

"So, I heard you never made it to home base with Lelouch."

There was a snap and a hiss of pain.

CC giggled again. "Oooh. I'm tempted to see what kind of skivvies you got going there, Stadtfeld. I might grab a pair myself."

"You're irritating to the core, you know that?" Kallen informed as CC felt _Kallen's underwear_ hit the back of her head.

Turning around, CC bent down to pick up the angrily-discarded garment and shook it in the air slightly.

Smiling, she tilted her head just so. "But I'm pretty as a pearl on the outside. What's next?"

* * *

"This may sting a little."

In Lelouch's experience, _nothing_ ever involving _rubbing alcohol_ stung just a _little._ Childhood experiences and slightly embellished memories told him that much. Doctors _always_ told him that needles only _stung a little_ but it didn't make a difference in how fast he would run when they would pop one on him.

(A trait that remains even today.)

Lelouch scowled his disbelief accordingly.

So when that cotton swab Suzaku was holding to sterilize the wound came closer, Lelouch started to back away further onto the bed and into the corner.

Suzaku frowned slightly at this. "This scrape isn't going to disinfect itself." And then a grin split his lips. "I could always kiss it better instead, you know."

He could.

He really could.

And, knowing Suzaku, he probably would.

But, to put the end of that train of thought very simply: No way in _Hell_.

And so, rather reluctantly, Lelouch moved back closer to the edge of the bed exposing the (in his personal opinion) not-that-bad wound he received from successfully escaping sexual harassment—only to suffer in other ways.

Gino had been sent off to find help while Suzaku took care of Lelouch—who had refused being carried at least six times before Suzaku simply slung him over his shoulder like a sack of rice.

This was why they were now on the top floor in Suzaku's bedroom to make good use of the first-aid kit that was always well-stocked.

"I'll count to three then, alright?"

Lelouch closed his eyes and tried not to think about how much it would hurt in th—

"Three."

* * *

_"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"_

A unanimous feeling echoed among all those present upon hearing that agonized screech after the door to Suzaku's office opened quietly. (Well, not really all that quietly, but the small squeak the door made upon opening it paled in comparison to the shriek still bouncing off the walls.) If Pandora's Box ever had a sound-effect once it opened, this was surely the closest thing you were going to get to that.

All three of them paused on the threshold to Suzaku's office (to appreciate, shiver, and question vehemently why they were doing something morally wrong in order to win such a stupid game).

"I don't think—"

"Hush, Shirley; I intend to win this game."

Of course she did.

This was Milly Ashford.

_Lose_ and every synonym or relative of had no place in an Ashford's dictionary—least of all _Milly_ Ashford's. And while Shirley had known this ever since graduating from high school with her Student Council President, she still couldn't suppress the urge to point out the better part of valour that included rationality, common sense, and just a touch of decency for others' privacy. She, for one, wouldn't cry over losing a silly little game intended to entertain guests.

But _this_ was _Milly Ashford_.

After all.

Shirley sighed appropriately and pursed her lips at another shriek coming from deeper into Suzaku's office. She had only been here a few times, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that those screams were coming from Suzaku's temporary-not-so-temporary bedroom.

It took _even less_ time to figure out just _whom_ that colourful score of music was coming from.

Nina started to turn around—her face slightly flushed. "Maybe we should go—it sounds like—"

"Nonsense!" Milly reproached quietly, careful not to speak too loudly lest they be overheard by the occupants in the next room over. "I wonder how they lost their third wheel, though. Impressive," she complimented errantly before stepping across the threshold into the cool, royal blue interior that was Suzaku's office.

_"Suzaku~! It hurts! Stop it!"_

Freeze.

And this was a good time where all three of them paused to think.

(About three _very_ different things.)

Shirley was beginning to get second thoughts about this. After all, Suzaku and Lelouch were just in the other room, probably having—

_"AAAHHHHHHH!"_

She turned bright red. _"Milly!" _she hissed. "Let's forget about winning, we probably aren't even going to get anything for—"

The sight of Milly walking right up to the bedroom door and pressing her ear right against it made Shirley freeze up internally—as if _she_ were the one with her ear pressed against that wall listening to—listening to—oh _God_, listening to _that._

Turning to Nina—who had found the waffle-iron and was now retrieving a toothbrush from the bathroom—Shirley quickly realized she would get no help in reigning in her notoriously snoopy friend. So, with much courage she approached the bedroom door and tugged on Milly—who was grinning ear to ear.

_"You're so sensitive, Lelouch; no tolerance to pain at all."_

_"I don't walk around trying to injure myself so I don't think I have any problems there."_

Suzaku laughed. _"I guess so. So, shall I continue? This won't get any better if I don't."_

There was a moment of silence.

_"Lelouch…"_

_"Fine! Just… just be gentle."_

There was a sharp intake of breath.

Then the screech—which devolved into a mutated form of bawling.

Shirley pulled harder. Milly giggled silently and turned to look at Shirley. Pointing at Nina (whose face matched her hair perfectly to resemble Christmas), Shirley made motions towards the door and signs that they should leave.

Milly pouted.

Shirley's grip on the girl's arm tightened.

_Now_, Ashford.

Shoulders slumping, Milly finally gave in and they all headed back towards the door, slipping outside quietly. The door to Suzaku's office clicked shut—as if they had never been there in the first place.

(Sans one waffle-iron and toothbrush.)

Milly smiled triumphantly as Nina handed her the unplugged waffle-iron and still-packaged toothbrush. "Well, girls, I think we _all_ have a good idea of Kururugi's skills in the bedroom. Now let's go win this thing and get his little sweetheart to spill the details."

* * *

Lelouch was in pain.

He had tripped and fallen down a flight of stairs and managed to come out with minor scrapes, bruises, and a sprained ankle. In the aftermath of what was an unfortunate accident, Lelouch was promptly whisked away to the top floor in order to have his ankle properly 'sorted out' along with the rest of the cuts and bruises he had managed to obtain.

For Lelouch and his low tolerance (and slight fear) of any sort of physical pain, it was the worst experience in his entire life.

He now harboured a strong dislike of rubbing alcohol.

"I'm really sorry, Lelouch; this is all my fault."

Damn right it is, Mr Sexual-Assault-in-Stairways!

On the elevator ride down from the Suzaku's office suite on the top floor, Lelouch had envisioned at least thirty ways to murder Suzaku and make it look like an accident. Or at least blame Gino for it.

It was a good cover, you had to admit.

"I—You—F—It's fine… don't worry about it. I forgive you. It'll heal in time."

The supportive arm around him tightened and Suzaku leaned in close. "That's my Lelouch, so forgiving."

And so violently inclined.

Fortunately God knew what he was doing by giving him the physical capability and ferocity of a newborn kitten. It was also a good thing he didn't happen to have any super-human ability to make up for it accompanied by a mean grudge against the world providing him a reason to use it.

That would just be tragic.

Lelouch wanted to strangle Suzaku.

Instead he turned away and was forced to be content with imagining it. It was truly a pity that Lelouch couldn't even push this lunatic away because he couldn't walk on his own. When he thought about that it made him antsy to be in the company of others.

Upon approaching—and opening—the doors to the banquet hall, the low murmur of the present crowd died down to a silent hush. Everyone was all-smiles and a few were even blushing. Onstage Gino and Milly (uh oh) were exchanging words with each other.

Stepping aside, Gino grabbed everyone's attention by tapping the microphone. All heads turned back around.

"Everyone, I'd like to propose a toast to the _very happy_ couple—and I think further congratulations are in order for one Suzaku Kururugi on an _especially momentous_ milestone in his relationship with his beloved Lelouch." He raised his glass of wine. "To the happy couple!"

Lelouch had the distinct feeling he didn't like where this was all going.

* * *

Comments:

Ten chapters. I can't believe "Liar Liar" has made it so far. Actually, I'm more surprised that _I've_ made it so far. Writing this is like exposing myself to—anyway, I'm not going to elaborate, use your imaginations. So, because—believe it or not—I'm genuinely curious, tell me about what your favourite chapter (or character) has been so far. First plot-wise (HA) and second title-wise. I think I'm doing _something_ right. A specific scene works too.

After reading over all your weird food experiences of the world from the last chapter, I can honest to goodness say that I've already heard, tried, and or seen just about all of them. A few are, in fact, some of my favourite foods. Mixing food is just weird and was disqualified.

Anyway, I had a lot of time to think about what other culinary experiences I could extort from you all and am curious about your favourite kind of chicken wing. I know a place that serves over forty different kinds. Flavours ranging from condiments to jalapeno--and all for a dime a wing. I strongly suggest not getting any of the mixed ones.

Please R&R. (See Pre-Comment.)

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens


	11. That's What She Said

Pre-Comment: [Excuse Goes Here.] [Insert Standard Stock Apology Here.] [Witty Hint That I'm Not Actually Sorry Goes Here.]

But seriously, if you want to know, I *can* explain it to you in words that extend beyond my broken leg--which is all nicely healed up now--thanksforasking. Between the leg and lack of Minute Maid, for me it's enough to go incognito for 'X' months. You'll have to ask me nicely for reasons why though.

Anyway, you've all whined, complained, sent death threats to bomb my house, and cried extensively for me to update. So here it is. I hope you're all satisfied. I hope you Enjoy Chapter Eleven. Because I know I enjoyed how hard it was.

To write.

* * *

Chapter Eleven: That's What She Said

"I can't understand why a simple trust exercise is so hard for you," the instructor queried, arms folded in curious disapproval. "You're getting married. You two love each other, right?"

"We—"

"Yes, we love each other very much," Suzaku supplied eagerly. "That's why we're here—so we don't lose that flame."

Clearly, Suzaku was keen on making Lelouch's life even more miserable than it already was.

It was a mean feat considering the wedding in a little over a month.

_Four weeks_ to the wedding.

_Four weeks_ to the wedding.

_Four weeks_ to the wedding.

It played in his head like some horrible countdown to the apocalypse on an endless loop cycle. Despite his efforts to forget all about it and think about how much happier he'd be after purchasing ill-gotten goods (like that new sports car, and a riverfront mansion) through ill-gotten means, all he could think about was how _badly_ he'd be hunted down if Suzaku ever found out this entire thing was a hoax.

Naturally, CC was to blame for all this based on a rather careless comment she had made—about how Suzaku had enough money to make life less than pleasant for Lelouch as a jilted husband. Of course, she had mentioned this more than once, but the latter times started to really affect him with the impending marriage ceremony.

Compound interest, you know.

The instructor turned to him. "So what's the problem? Should we talk it out?"

Sure. Why not?

Let's talk about how he was only pretending to be gay for money so he could run away with all of it (or at least a good tidy sum of it) in the end. Never mind how, day by day, he was starting to really dread D-Day where no chastity-preservation method on earth could possibly save him from a fate, in his opinion, much worse than death (of course, _other_ than death). And let's not forget how, in the end of all things, CC was right all along about how he hadn't managed to get a cent out of this rich queer boy since entering this fictionally-real relationship x months ago. (Diamond studs notwithstanding.)

Sure.

Let's talk about it.

"No! No! There's no problem. I just… ah…"

Quick. Think fast.

"…am afraid of the dark!"

Clearly not fast enough.

The instructor blinked accordingly. Her eyes shifted to the ceiling and the bright fluorescent lights mounted within, and then back down at Lelouch—who, impressively enough, looked like he had meant every word.

"He closes his eyes when he falls, you see," Suzaku filled in—seeming to have played a quick game of vague (and inevitably handy) connect-the-dots.

It wasn't true, but it worked anyway and Lelouch wasn't about to argue it.

The instructor's disbelieving eyes shifted from one charge to the next. Suzaku shrugged helplessly, giving her an honest smile. "Oookay. Why don't _you_ catch _him_ then?"

"I—"

"Lelouch is fragile."

The urge to throttle Suzaku surpassed _almost_ all others.

Their instructor sighed and glanced at the clock. "Alright then. We'll just have to skip this activity too." She looked down at the clipboard, clicked her pen, and clearly wrote an 'X' next to the little box in the checklist. "Well. We've finished with the physical activities for now; it's time to start the actual sessions."

Lelouch gulped.

The instructor walked off, leading them to a counselling room—muttering dark complaints under her breath. When Suzaku reached for his hand and squeezed it, Lelouch felt the urge to physically maim him increase tenfold.

"Come on, Lelouch, you can handle a few heart-to-hearts right? We're going to be married soon," he said airily, kissing his hand before tugging him along gently. "It's like… practice for the real thing!"

Lelouch had _other_ things in mind that he wanted to practice for, but all of those activities came with legal ramifications and a sentence of, at least, life in prison.

Suzaku finally turned around. "Lelouch, don't dawdle. The faster we get this all done the faster we can get back to picking the colours."

This was all _Suzaku's_ fault.

Lelouch glared at his husband-to-be accordingly.

_Why_ him?

Was he not trying hard enough?

Did someone upstairs really hate him _that_ much?

Was conning people for the entirety of his adult life since graduation life really _that_ bad?

And no, he _wasn't_ looking for an actual answer to that last question.

CC had warned him that his homophobia would get the better of him someday, but he never really took it to heart. Turned out she was right. This whole mess could've been prevented, too—if only he had just—

But he _wasn't_.

Wouldn't.

_ Ever._

But then again…

_This_ tragedy, in the end, could've been avoided yesterday.

Somehow, someway, he had been roped into preparing dinner for Suzaku again. While he wasn't too clear on recalling the details of how that happened, he was pretty sure he didn't want to remember them anyway. The only saving grace was that he was able to refuse wearing anything remotely resembling frills in favour of his regular clothing (plus apron) this time.

Which CC had picked out again after stealing his credit card.

Apparently it needed lock and key.

For instance, the pants fit just a bit too snugly in the—

Arms circled his torso.

"I can't _wait_ for the honeymoon…"

It was high-time his self-preservation mechanisms kicked in, and so Lelouch flailed away from Suzaku, only to end up tripping—falling on the ground as his arms wind-milled wildly.

Suzaku was beside him in an instant, but simply squatted next to him, smiling in ill-contained amusement. "You know if I had to guess, you have some intimacy issues that need to be worked out."

Lelouch's eyes widened as he turned red at the accusation. "I do not!"

"Oh really?" Suzaku goaded.

CC had warned him this topic might come up sooner or later. (Lelouch was gambling everything he had on the 'later.' To a better extreme: 'Never.') Thus, she had been tutoring him profusely on pre-marital behaviour and Lelouch was forced to endure it for the sake of the oodles and oodles of money waiting for them at the end of this colour-confused brick road full of sacrifice, humiliation, and a few other unmentionable events not worth naming.

He sighed, sitting up and crossing his legs before sulking. "It's just that… I… er…"

What did CC say again?

That he was—

Lelouch looked away.

"I'm just… not used to it..." he said in a small, appropriately shy voice.

This, right here, was real-world application of CC Emasculation Lesson Three: Be coy.

Abject humiliation settled into his cheeks by way of a very red flush.

When Suzaku didn't say anything, Lelouch turned to look at him, only to be greeted with an almost pitying look.

"W-What?"

"You're shy." He grinned. "That's so cute. I'm sorry, Lelouch, I didn't know. And all this time I—"

"It's alright."

"Hey, how about I sign us up for some pre-marital counselling? To work out your intimacy issues. It'll be great!"

Lelouch blinked.

Out in the hallway, you could hear the clock ticking before several long tones resounded throughout the house.

It was six.

"I'm sorry, did you say something? I didn't quite catch that."

Suzaku laughed. "Look, I won't do it on only one condition."

"What's that?" Lelouch deadpanned, not liking where this was going already.

"That you kiss me and tell me you love me. Right now. Your future husband will need to hear this daily. I can't live without your love and affection."

There was something profoundly wrong with all of that. Just now.

"Prove to me that you don't need this."

Lelouch could feel his lips seal shut effectively in what could only be interpreted as the inability to do just that.

And so that was the short recollection of why he was now walking into a private room—as private enough to even have 'PRIVATE' printed in bold, black letters on the opaque glass of the door—to discuss his _intimacy_ issues.

As soon as they sat down, their instructor wrote some notes on a fresh sheet of paper before humming thoughtfully over a list.

"Okay, first of all, let's discuss the sex."

Hell surely had no better substitute.

* * *

"Master Kururugi ordered… flowers?"

The maid eyed the bouquet of fresh flowers warily. Obviously, the belief wasn't there.

"Yes. Well, no, not really. Lelouch asked me to stop by with them."

The maid looked even more perplexed. And thus blinked accordingly. "Master Lelouch? Really?"

"Of course. Lelouch and I are _very_ good friends."

"Are you CC?" she inquired, tilting her head slightly.

CC blinked. Well, well. Son of a gun.

"How'd you guess?"

"Well, Master Kururugi tends to ask Master Lelouch about you a lot as well."

Her eyebrows rose. "He does, does he?"

"Yes. Quite a bit."

CC smirked.

Well wasn't _that_ an interesting little bit of information.

She folded her arms with the bouquet casually. "So, am I allowed in or not?"

The maid stepped aside and bowed.

CC whistled.

If the outside was stunning, the inside looked like it had walls lined with gold. Various potted plants decorated corners here and there. Old statues, paintings, and other random furnishings were tastefully placed here and there. Overhead there was even a softly glowing crystal chandelier. It was a wonder Lelouch could even resist the temptation to murder Kururugi while—oh wait, he had to wait for the marriage and will.

The maid cleared her throat and CC whirled around.

"May I ask a question of you, Miss CC?"

"Shoot."

"Is… is Master Lelouch… _really_…" She blushed quite the vivid shade. "I mean, not that I'm—it just doesn't seem to me that he's—I apologize it's really none of my business," she cut off hastily, bowing slightly while looking a little flustered.

Oh.

Now she understood.

"Well," she grinned. "Can you keep a secret?"

* * *

Somehow, he was alive.

Alive and feeling like he had misunderstood the entire conversation that had just occurred behind closed doors. The instructor had flat-out declared that they would be talking about _sex._ What ended up happening, however, was that they had a lengthy conversation about _baking._

The ingredients involved.

The equipment needed.

Even the type of flour that was best suited to which kind of cookies.

It was like the whole world wanted to suddenly become a pâtissier.

After the first few awkward minutes, Lelouch, having an intermediate level knowledge of baking himself, took part in the conversation. After all, the instructor seemed to know what she was talking about, and he couldn't afford to be a stranger with the oven and mixer considering who he lived with. And who he had grown up with.

He wasn't sure if Suzaku needing to leave every few minutes—or the roaring laughter that echoed down the hall after—was a good thing or not.

Needless to say, they had been sent home with only one 'homework' assignment.

And it resulted in him being handcuffed to Suzaku until tomorrow's session.

Yes.

With real, grade 'A,' cop-approved handcuffs.

And no key.

"Think of this as the start to us _really_ getting to know each other, Lelouch."

No, it wasn't. It was the start of Lelouch learning how to pick locks.

Never know when you might find yourself handcuffed to a sexually deviant lunatic.

"It's only for a day," Suzaku reasoned, trying to placate him. "Once we're married it won't be any different."

Sure it would.

Once they were married, Suzaku would still be here in Japan—possibly hunting him down with all the resources and tracking equipment available to man—while Lelouch was in Pendragon driving a brand new Mercedes under a probably different name with a signed marriage annulment in the mail.

Once they were married, it would be _very_ different.

And even if they were in union without a marriage annulment on the way, no car, and not separated by an ocean and maybe half the globe, things would still be different unless Suzaku wanted to keep any potentially fatal and or lethal objects permanently out of the hotel room during the hone—_that thing._

That is, if he didn't want to be widowed so soon after the wedding.

However, as it stood, they were currently sitting on a bench in the park and nothing had changed. Partly because Lelouch was winded from a quick sprint Suzaku decided to take suddenly, and partly because it was where they were meeting Kallen and Gino—who had surprisingly hit it off after she used him as a punching bag after the party a few days ago for reasons that were never fully revealed.

And so, because Lelouch, who was still in a particularly foul mood—with regards to the handcuffs—clearly had no desire to, Suzaku had taken it upon himself to open up a conversation with—

"What did you want to be when you grew up?"

Lelouch blinked, dragged away from self-destructive and violent (towards only one person) thoughts. "Me? What about you?"

Suzaku was looking up at the sky with a wistful look in his eyes.

"I was never really able to think about it too much myself. I was too busy growing up into someone who could inherit the Sakura Group proper to think about it. So, any dreams?"

Of being the greatest con-artist known to man—and if not that then he'd settle for the monetary equivalent.

But, of course, he wasn't about to say that.

So, with no real idea of what to honestly say, Lelouch derived how to respond by referring to his first lesson in life:

Lie.

Cheat.

Lie some more.

And hope it all worked out or skip town otherwise.

(The second lesson was: Deny, deny, deny—a lesson which Lelouch learned tended to work very well in tandem with the first.)

"I always dreamed I would do something really great for humanity."

Suzaku's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Almost incredulously. "Like…?" he prompted.

"You know, like saving the world from something awful. Or becoming a tyrant and ruling it with an iron fist instead."

_"That's_ supposed to be good for humanity?"

Lelouch shrugged nonchalantly. "It could be."

Suzaku blinked. He took in Lelouch's casual posture and general impression that he meant every word of it. Coughing, he started to break out into a fit of laughing.

Lelouch frowned at him and turned away, hiding the subconscious smile on his lips. He had never seen Suzaku anything but calm and carefree, so it was a relief to have him back to normal and away from the path of 'deeper male bonding.'

But at the same time, he sort of wondered what had come over him.

Theirs was an unconventional and completely false relationship. Lelouch was in it for the money and Suzaku was playing the fool (even though he wasn't). The only 'friend,' by definition, he ever had was CC. Other than that he had been tutored all his life and thus grew up with his siblings.

If this was what it was like to have a best friend, then maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe, after this was all over they could be frie—

A hand slipped around his waist and pulled him flush up against Suzaku.

—and then again, everybody made mistakes in judgement now and then.

Suzaku leaned on him slightly, causing Lelouch to eye him warily.

"Tell you what, if you ever become king of the world one day, cut me a portion of it and _I'll_ tell you what 'baking' _really_ means."

"I know what it means to bake," he declared haughtily, folding his arms.

"What does it mean then?" Suzaku goaded, sitting up, eyebrow perking in amusement. "Do you want to go home and _bake?"_ he asked, wagging his eyebrows.

A shiver based off natural instinct alone crawled down Lelouch's spine.

Okay.

So he didn't know what the heck 'baking' was referring to. Apart from the eggs and flour kind, no, no he didn't.

But that didn't matter, right?

_Right?_

So, undaunted, he stood up and looked Suzaku straight in the eye determinedly.

Even if he didn't know what it meant right now, that just meant he'd have to figure it out when they got home and improvise from there.

"Fine! Then let's go home and bake!"

Suzaku's eyes widened significantly in some very real horror.

An idiot says what.

_ "What?"_

_

* * *

_"I think we're lost."

"We're not lost."

"Then where are we, genius?"

"I don't know, but we're not lost."

Kallen whacked him on the head. "That means we're lost, idiot!"

He huffed. "We're _not_ lost."

Growling, Kallen folded her arms obstinately and turned away from him. Frustration had merely grown, and grown, and grown at Gino's typical male inability to admit to being lost.

"Gino, you're so—"

"Amazing?"

Shooting a quick glare, Kallen sighed, pulling out her phone, speed-dialling Milly Ashford. "Chi—"

"Charming?"

"Ann—"

"Drop-dead fantastic?"

Cue cry of frustration.

"That's not how the saying goes—and you're not!" she screamed.

Gino merely laughed, shrugging. "There's exceptions to every rule. For instance, for someone who looks like she'd have a harsh exterior, but is really soft and sweet on the inside, you actually _are_ all thorns and—"

WHACK.

Gino blocked her attack and parried it off harmlessly before laughing and taking a few cautionary steps away from her before she could move in for a second assault.

After three short rings—

_ "Hello, Milly Ashford speaking."_

"Milly! I was supposed to meet Suzaku and Lelouch at this park somewhere, but I don't see them." Kallen took a quick glance around, as if the pair would appear out of thin air. "I think we're—"

"—not lost!" Gino yelled out long and loudly.

Kallen looked up at Gino—currently with his back turned admiring the fountain with his hands folded behind his head. And even though she couldn't see it, she knew—she just _knew_—he was grinning his stupid face off. She glared at his back angrily to appease her frustration. If only slightly.

_"WE ARE LOST!"_ she screamed at him, resisting the urge to chuck her phone at him. And the realization that Milly— "Ah! Milly, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to—"

_ "It's fine, it's fine. Lover's quarrel?"_

Kallen's eyes widened and her blood ran cold as her eyes reflexively centred on Gino.

It was not a date.

Never mind the fact that Gino was the one who asked her out, and that she accepted—but only because Suzaku and Lelouch would be out with them. They were just going to Suzaku's place for movies.

As a group.

Not as two separate couples out on a date together.

Kallen worried her lower lip. The more she reasoned it out the more it sounded like—

It was _not_ a date.

Noticing the lull in the conversation from his not-date, Gino looked over his shoulder to look at her tomato-red face. With a snicker, he turned back to admire the running water from the fountain and flicked a coin in.

"He isn't—I'm not—"

"May we be blessed with a winter wedding to match the bride's frosty nature!"

"WE ARE NOT TOGETHER!" she yelled as Gino clapped his hands twice and bowed.

Milly giggled.

_ "Oookay~ So what's the problem, Kally?"_

She twitched. It was a nickname she had somehow earned all throughout high school at Ashford Academy—world's best institution for children of the elite.

Kallen hated it.

A lot.

"Don't call me 'Kally,' you know I don't like that."

Milly giggled. _"Fine, fine. So I gather you're lost? Haven't found Romeo and Juliet?"_

"No. We looked all over the park and we can't find them anywhere."

_ "Did you check the bushes?"_

She blinked. "The bushes? Why would they be—?"

Realization dawned on Kallen as her face flushed a perfect hue to match her hair.

"M-M-Milly!"

Her friend giggled unashamedly. _"It's a valid answer~"_

"Th-That—!"

Milly laughed. _"They might be waiting at the wrong park; there's another one across the street if I recall."_

Kallen spun around to get a bearing of her location and caught sight of a stretch of trees and grass just beyond where they were now.

"Oh, I see it. Thanks, Milly."

_ "Any time. Enjoy your date, Kally!_

"Don't call me—It's not a—!"

_"Toodles~"_

Click.

Sigh.

A hand fell upon her shoulder. "Hey, Kally, I think I see them," Gino said, pointing a thumb behind him at the approaching couple.

Kallen spun around to look.

It was true.

A weird feeling overcame Kallen; to have Lelouch actually coming her way instead of running in the oppo—

"Did you just call me _Kally?"_

Gino grinned. "Yes."

Kallen coloured. "Don't call me that."

"Why not? It's a cute nickname for you."

A frown twisted her lips. "Just—just don't call me that!"

Gino sighed.

"Okay," he agreed.

"Now let's—"

"Kally."

Fury, thy name is Stadtfeld.

* * *

"You know, I don't think I'm feeling well. Definitely not well enough to—"

"No," Lelouch cut off adamantly. "We're going to 'bake' and that's that."

Okay, so it was roughly fifteen minutes ago he had made that declaration.

Between then and now, Suzaku had tried to dissuade him of such a thing without bothering to hide his effort towards doing so. While he had made some very good hints at what baking actually was, a solid definition was not to be gleaned from Suzaku's frantic attempts to do otherwise with their night handcuffed to each other.

And so, fifteen minutes later, Lelouch _still_ didn't know what 'baking' was.

But Suzaku clearly didn't want to do it and so he figured now was a good time to be insistent and maybe find some small way to get back at Suzaku for all the offences of sexual harassment he had to put up with.

If 'baking' was the way to do it, well, he'd be damned if he was going to give it up so willingly.

(With little to no thought of whether it would come back and bite him later.)

(Which it would.)

"But we have a busy day tomorrow and—"

Lelouch stopped looking around for Gino and Kallen to turn and look back at Suzaku questioningly, frowning slightly in feigned dismay and hurt. "You don't want to? It's okay if you suck and make a mess; I'm actually really good at it."

A hand clapped over Suzaku's mouth and he looked like he would be ill.

Lelouch was confused.

Pleased.

But still very confused.

"W-Well," Suzaku started nervously, "It's just that… we'll need… ah… cream."

Lelouch blinked. _"Cream? _I'm sure we can make-do without cream. I've gone without it lots of times."

Suzaku, if possible, looked even more ill than before.

"You'll have to prepare the oven, though; I'll be too busy doing other things." Suzaku swayed on his feet. And then he spotted the missing pair, waving them over. "Hey, I think that's Gino and K—"

_"DON'T CALL ME KALLY!"_

Definitely Kallen.

In a rage and coming towards them with, to put it nicely, an unpleasant look on her face.

Gino was just laughing—albeit like a wounded animal, rubbing a sore (and probably now bruising) arm.

"Where were you two?" she demanded angrily glaring at each of them individually, as if every second of her frustration with Gino was their faults. "And what's wrong with him?" she asked, nodding over at Suzaku—who was gagging slightly.

Internally, Lelouch grinned.

Recovering just enough, Suzaku coughed slightly. "I-I'll be fine. Looks like you two had fun without us."

Kallen's eyes narrowed in deadly vehemence.

Lelouch cowered in fear slightly.

Good Lord man!

Don't stoke the fire!

Didn't you ever learn not to throw rocks at the neighbourhood fire-breathing dragon?

Kallen tossed a glare over her shoulder before sighing. "I wouldn't say that. What's with the cuffs?" she asked, glancing down at their solid steel binding.

Suzaku gave her a sparing smile. "Just a bit of homework."

Her eyebrow rose. "Homework?"

"It's to work on his intimacy issues," Suzaku explained properly, turning to give a soft smile to Lelouch.

Kallen blinked.

"Intimacy?"

She probably found it odd.

And why not?

He had all but cuddled her like a puppy every time he saw her while courting her. It had taken a long time to find it, but beneath the bubbling rage, fury, and generally violent intentions that could only be born of a cop's daughter, Lelouch was able to see the inner teddy-bear that was Kallen Stadtfeld.

A teddy-bear with very sharp fangs and claws.

But a teddy-bear all the same.

Naturally, being the opportunist that he was, Lelouch took that opportunity to propose to her before the moment was gone forever.

So, in light of that, she probably thought it was odd he was having _intimacy_ issues.

And he didn't.

With women anyway.

There was no need or desire—especially desire—to get _intimate_ with other men. So much that Lelouch never even let his father or brothers hug him.

Yes.

It was _quite_ the complex.

"Come on guys, hurry it up! We'll be late!" Gino called over to them—after having apparently recovered. "I want to be able to cuddle with Kally!"

Even a bat could see the aura of anger ebb off her in waves.

In the next three seconds she marched over and—

"AAAHHHHH!" Gino cried out in a true shriek of agony as a kick was delivered straight to his shins.

Both Lelouch and Suzaku winced in sympathetic unison before warily closing the distance between them.

Gino had lifted his leg up to nurse it while hopping up and down on one foot. Actual tears were being fiercely held back at the corner of his eyes. And then he grinned.

There was something to be said about people who could withstand that much pain.

"Who'd cuddle with you!?" she raged.

It could've been his imagination, but Lelouch could've sworn he saw her blush just now as she folded her arms. And he would have said something about it if he didn't value his life—or the fact that the kick she gave Gino would have probably cripple him for life—entirely too much.

Laughing nervously, hoping to ease the pressure off the situation, Lelouch attempted to deflect the focus, "You can't be late to a home movie, Gino. Besides, Suzaku and I are going to do some baking when we get back."

Gino (who seemed to temporarily forget his pain) and Kallen both blinked at them.

Tilting his head, Gino looked Lelouch up and down before taking careful note of his face and hummed slightly.

Wait for it.

His lips started curling.

Wait for it.

They twitched.

Wait for—

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kallen blinked, looking between Lelouch and Suzaku—who was looking away, grinning—and Gino, who was laughing so hard his pain had been forgotten and was clutching a stitch in his side. She frowned in confusion—not understanding and clearly not liking it.

"What's so—?"

Gino pulled her over and whispered something vaguely in her ear.

Her face turned bright red.

"Oh G—" she half-swore, _"Have some decency, Lamperouge!"_ she screeched squeakily before grabbing for Gino's wrist and pulling the laughing, grinning, gasping man away.

He managed to give the handcuffed pair a sly wink before allowing himself to go with the flow. Vaguely, he gave a thumbs up.

A dark cloud of discontent and confusion settled over Lelouch.

Bad feelings were on the horizon.

* * *

"She's not for hire!"

"Are you sure, Kururugi? I can offer you a pretty sweet deal."

"I'm _not_ giving you Sayoko, Kallen."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"What if I starve back in Britannia? I might die without her cooking!"

"Then what am_ I_ supposed to do without her cooking?"

"You're marrying Lelouch! Don't be greedy!" Kallen objected.

Lelouch bristled slightly, but decided to say nothing at the implications. This conversation had been going on since Kallen took the first few bites of the meal.

Besides, figuring out how to use chopsticks with his left hand was proving to need a sacrifice of all his mental acuity. Suzaku was left-handed. So, unless he wanted to eat in sync, his right hand was going to have to be obsolete.

It felt quite horrifying to have his main hand restrained to a lunatic, now that he thought about it.

"I intend to do too much baking with Lelouch for him to cook."

And, no, he still had no idea what it meant.

And, yes, between then and now, here and there, the park and Suzaku's house, Suzaku's entire take on 'baking' had taken a one-eighty.

It was _quite_ disconcerting.

Kallen coloured, but didn't much look deterred. "Well, you should let him cook for you every now and then. There's nothing like a home-cooked meal from the wife, right?"

Lelouch bristled again.

Just because he was the woman here didn't mean that made him the w—

Never mind.

This argument was a lost cause anyway.

He took a long pull of wine.

"Oh? And did _you_ ever cook for Lelouch, Kallen? You two were apparently married—"

_ "For a week!"_

_ "For a week!"_

_Perfect_ harmony.

Gino perked up. "You two were _married?"_

(Simply because it hasn't been said in a while—)

All hail selective hearing.

The entirety of the dinner had been rather boring for him since Kallen only ever asked for Sayoko, Lelouch was taking great interest in the origins of the bottle of wine, and Suzaku was trying to rebuff Kallen's attempts at employing Suzaku's maid.

Thus Gino, with no real pocket of conversation to smoothly fit into, decided to take this offered olive branch and proceed to run with it, having no intentions of ever returning that branch.

"For a _week!"_

_"For a week!"_

"Whoa," Gino marvelled. "And now he's marrying Suzaku. Hey, Lelouch, after you two divorce in a week, can we get hitched?"

His eye twitched.

Let it slide.

Let it slide.

Let it slide.

Suzaku let out a long sigh, rubbing his temple slightly. "We are _not_ getting divorced after a week, Gino."

"You might; I'm just keeping my bases covered. They did," he added, nodding towards Lelouch and Kallen.

Kallen groaned loudly before stuffing her face with the remainder of food on her plate. Standing up, she proceeded to _chug_ the rest of her wine—with a perfect ten on Unladylike Grace—before picking up the rest of the dishes.

"I'll be waiting downstairs in the theatre," she said curtly before heading into the kitchen.

Gino let out a content sigh. "So, you guys are baking, huh? After the movie? Can you stay up that late?"

Suzaku grinned.

Lelouch pointedly ignored the ongoing conversation, still struggling with left-handling chopsticks and coordinating food between them.

"It all depends on what recipe it is. It could take all night if it's hard."

Now it was Gino's turn to grin conspiratorially.

"You should prepare some tea. You take yours with cream, don't you, Suzaku?"

"No, I prefer it straight. It has a better aroma if you drink it directly. But, Lelouch, you're originally from Britannia, so you'll want cream in yours, right?"

He hesitated from answering. Lelouch didn't appreciate the feeling of that low-flying airplane constantly circling overhead.

"I… I've never tried it with cream. I prefer milk."

Gino suppressed some giggles before standing up and clearing away his long-since empty dishes as well, nodding towards the kitchen doors. "I think I'll finish up here. I have to go keep my honey company or she might explode on me—after all," he explained before disa—

_"I'M NOT YOUR HONEY!"_

It would be good to note that Gino Weinberg was the sole proprietor of an as-far-as-I'm-concerned opinion that he and Kallen were lovers and would inevitably have a winter wedding to complement her frosty nature.

(When he told her as such, Kallen had promptly given him a harsh slap and kick to the shins as per reward for his good work.)

Suzaku sighed before glancing over at Lelouch—who was having difficulties eating left-handed, and flushing considerably because of it. (Or it might be because of the three glasses of wine he had consumed within the last hour.)

He smiled innocently.

Currently, Lelouch was struggling with lifting a piece of chicken using the chopsticks. It wobbled unsteadily between the chopsticks and was lifted carefully towards his m—

"Shall I feed you?"

—and dropped back onto the plate.

"I can feed myself," Lelouch defended earnestly.

"But I _want_ to," was said as huskily as possible.

Lelouch decisively pushed his plate away. Now that Suzaku was watching his every painstaking bite, it was a lost cause now.

"Actually, I'm not hungry anymore."

Suzaku leaned closer. "Then shall we move onto dessert? Sayoko didn't prepare anything so we'll have to go bake it ourselves."

The chair clattered noisily as Lelouch suddenly stood up. "Kallen and Gino are both waiting for us. We can bake later."

"But I can—you know what, never mind." At the last second, Suzaku had decided such a comment would unacceptably benefit no one (since Lelouch _still_ had no idea what it was despite the several references throughout dinner). "We can bake later. If you're still up for it."

Lelouch blinked accordingly. "O-Of course. I'm interested in what kind of things you can bake."

Suzaku smirked. Gathering up the remaining dishes and leftover bottle of wine, he nodded towards the kitchen. "Let's not keep our guests waiting, then."

* * *

"Oh! Oh! And this is wh—"

A pillow was callously whacked in Gino's face. "Shut up! Don't spoil it!"

"—kiss, and then he—"

"Shutupshutupshutup!"

Onscreen, the couple exchanged heartfelt looks of love and kissed.

Another pillow connected with his face.

Much to everyone's surprise (most of all Gino's—who made a significant act of pointing it out at the cost of his own welfare) Kallen really, truly, loved, and enjoyed stupid romance videos. Because no one really wanted to sport the kind of bruises that Gino would be parading around with for at least a week, they hadn't said anything.

(Lelouch was afraid of pain. Kallen was the living reminder of that.)

(Suzaku had been afraid of Kallen since she beat the snot out of him when they were kids for flipping her skirt (this had no effect on latter attempts to do much the same) and still succeeded to do so even now.)

Lelouch, while not having fully encountered the full effects of near-alcohol poisoning, _was however_ on the verge of falling asleep and jerked away every time his head had hit Suzaku's shoulder. He would have leant the other way if his unconscious habit of always leaning to the right refused to change after twenty-one years.

Suzaku didn't say anything, but with the way he was smirking he probably didn't need to.

And finally, with a ridiculously cheesy public marriage proposal that sparked several images of déjà vu in at least two individuals, the movie ended.

Kallen hopped to her feet right away and stretched before yawning.

"That was great," Gino announced. "So where's our room going to be tonight?"

"I'll go ask Sayo—did you just say _our_ room?"

Gino looked up at Kallen innocently. "You don't want to snuggle more?"

A few incoherent and rather colourful words were sputtered. "I'm going to—"

"But, _Kally,"_ he whined. "I had my arm around you all throughout the movie!"

It was true.

A fiery scarlet flushed her cheeks. "A-Anyway I'm going to sleep!" she declared, storming upstairs. "And don't call me Kally!"

Gino rose from his seat. "Alright, I'll—"

_ "In my own SEPARATE room!"_

He laughed. _"Definitely_ a winter wedding. Good night, Suzaku. It looks like he's already out cold," he added, nodding towards Lelouch.

"Yeah. Don't worry, I'll handle it."

Gino smiled. "Okay."

He headed towards the stairs before stopping and—

"Thank you for the generous hospitality you've shown us today," he said, bowing with an arm crossed over his chest. (Gino grew up in a strict household and under a stern father.)

It was times like this that Suzaku remembered that, despite Gino being _Gino_, he was actually a very capable adult.

It was times like this that Suzaku remembered that, despite Gino being _Gino,_ he was actually a very capable adult.

No, that was not a typo.

It was just one of those things that needed repeating because the first time floored you so hard you only catch the second time.

Suzaku smiled. "Any time."

Turning to head back upstairs, Gino stopped before swivelling back around again and took in the sight before him. Lelouch was fast asleep, leaning on him and Suzaku was looking pretty comfortable there. So, deciding that, since there was no repercussion _not_ to, he—

"Are you sure you're not gay, Kururugi?"

Suzaku groaned out a sigh. "Go to sleep, Weinberg."

Gino gave a hearty chuckle. "Congratulations on your engagement, man, really."

_ "Go to sleep, Weinberg."_

With stifled giggles, Gino had gone.

Suzaku shrugged his shoulder a bit and Lelouch shifted a bit closer to him.

"I don't… taste good…" he mumbled.

Suzaku turned away.

He had to admit, girlish good looks and all, Lelouch really did look quite adorable. Maybe Gino was onto something when he made that careless comment about Lelouch being able to—

He actually didn't want to go there right now.

Shaking him slightly, he watched Lelouch jerk awake and look around blearily, gathering his senses and surroundings. Yawning, he shook himself fully awake before noticing two vacant seats on the defective loveseat. (He had earlier adamantly refused any seating arrangement involving aforementioned loveseat. Suzaku had snickered secretly.)

"Gino and Kallen already go to bed? How long was I asleep?"

Another yawn.

"Not too long."

"Sorry."

"It's fine."

"So, do you still want to do some baking? It's sort of late."

A kind of guilt swept over Suzaku for not telling Lelouch about the underlying connotation of the word. After watching Lelouch sleep so peacefully, he felt bad for teasing someone so unbelievably naïve about something so—

"You know what, it is late, let's just get to bed."

Lelouch started standing up, shaking his head and rubbing sleep from his eyes. "No, no. We can still do it. You seemed like you really were looking forward to it earlier. There are a lot of things we have to do tomorrow."

Uh oh.

Suzaku rose. "No, really, we don't. You need your sleep. You're tired."

"It's no trouble. I can stay up all night. The movie was just really _boring._ Don'ttellKallenIsaidthat."

"But—we—I—"

And then a thought struck him.

Why not actually just bake?

Lelouch wouldn't know the difference.

"Okay, if you insist."

* * *

Lelouch really _did_ have reservations about baking at this time of night—especially since he was still feeling a little intoxicated from the wine they had consumed throughout the film—but not quite past lines that ought not to be crossed. But Suzaku had made such a big fuss about it throughout the day that he had ended up insisting that they go ahead with the plans—late or not.

And so they both returned back upstairs and into the kitchen to prepare—

CC.

Currently, she was wearing an oversized shirt and was bent o—

White.

With lace and little bows on each side.

She stood up and turned around. The shirt was (wait, was that _his_ shirt?) buttoned up, but if you looked closely—(which, _of course,_ Suzaku wasn't _at all)_—you would see that she wasn't wearing a bra.

(Once again, Suzaku Kururugi was reminded that he was truly and undeniably straight.)

"What are you doing here?" Lelouch hissed, sounding quite scandalized.

CC shrugged. "Sayoko let me in. She's _really_ got a thing for sewing. But, of course," she looked at Suzaku, _"You_ knew that, didn't you?"

Suzaku's eyes widened fractionally for just a moment.

(Oh God. Does she know?)

Lelouch didn't notice.

"That—so—_why_ did you come here?"

CC shrugged by way of answer. "My, my, you two _are_ getting close, I see. Into that kind of thing, are you?" she asked instead, nodding towards the cuffs.

"It was a homework assignment."

"I see. So what are you boys doing up so darn late?" she mock scolded, planting her hands on either side of her perfectly shaped hips.

Lelouch sighed. "We were about to do some baking."

CC blinked.

Golden eyes slid over to glance at the clock.

Three past midnight.

_ "Now?"_

"Yes."

_ "Baking?"_

An incredulous look raised her eyebrows sky high.

"Yes."

"What kind of lunatics would bake at this—?"

Enlightenment.

Here was a quick summary of Suzaku's thoughts at the moment:

Uh oh.

Uh oh.

Uh oh.

Accompanied by frantic shaking of his head and waving of his hand.

_"Ohhhh~ I see."_

CC made her way over to Lelouch and leaned generously on him before whispering in his ear—

There was nothing like the truth of the matter to overpower the overwhelming urge to just sleep.

If a look of horror had a speedometer on it, Lelouch's just went from zero to holy-crap-you're-breaking-the-speed-limit-so-bad-you'll-kill-physics in less than three.

The English language alone was not enough to express the horror on his face.

Baking…

Meant…

And he…

To Suzaku…

_ …insisted…_

All the lights in Lelouch's head chose this exact moment just to turn off in a blackout as the horrifying result of recent enlightenment.

Which was kind of ironic in a way.

"Now, Lelouch, it's not _quite_ like that," Suzaku defended earnestly.

CC walked around between them and clapped them both on the back solidly, "Have fun _baking_, boys!" and disappeared.

Breath was sucked in and—

* * *

Boy A stopped walking and turned to his girlfriend suddenly. "Did you hear that?"

Girlfriend of Boy A blinked. "Hear what, darling?"

"It sounded like someone screaming."

Girlfriend of Boy A laughed and took hold of Boy A's arm tightly. "Oh, sweetheart, this is Britannia, no one screams that loudly at night. And the crime rates are non-existent. You're imagining things."

"I... If you say so."

"I do."

Linking hands, Boy A and Girlfriend of Boy A continued their private walk.

* * *

None of them quite knew what exactly happened thereafter, but it probably involved CC coaxing Lelouch away from a nearby stair-railing and assisting the handcuffed-to-each-other pair upstairs for some much-needed, non-baking sleep.

As Sayoko was making the final cleaning rounds for the night—which actually included very little actual cleaning—she paused outside the door to her master's bedroom.

On the ground, sleeping silently with a blanket and pillow, was her master: Suzaku Kururugi.

Handcuffed.

To something, or someone, on the other side of his bedroom door.

Sayoko paused to think for a moment and recalled briefly how the master and his—as recently discovered—not-really-gay fiancé came home handcuffed to each other.

Oh.

Right.

It still didn't explain why he was sleeping out here in the hallway as opposed to in bed with master Lelouch. And if they were handcuffed that meant master Lelouch was _also_ sleeping on the ground on the other side of the door.

And this was the pair that was getting married in a little over a month from now with unclear motivation on both ends.

Strange.

Pulling out her pad of pink Post-It notes, Sayoko wrote a brief message on it before kneeling down and sticking it on the door a foot above the floor.

Dusting her skirt off, she continued on with her nightly rounds.

_ 'Breakfast will be ready at nine 'o clock as usual, sir. Please be ready in time.'_

* * *

Comments:

So... did you? _You know._ Yes? No? If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's best not to ask. So, without further ado, I promise this:

I will never again intentionally make another 'That's What She Said' joke. Ever.

And, anyway, trivia time. It's been a while. This one comes with rewards of a sort though.

1. What is my favourite Code Geass character?

2. What is my favourite brand of juice?

You have only one guess because this should, _I sincerely hope,_ be glaringly obvious.

And, if you don't care about that one: Bubble Tea. What's your favourite flavour? Mine is lychee and coconut and it hasn't changed in over 5 years and I don't intend to change it for at least another three.

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens._  
_


	12. Foretold by Stars

Pre-Comment: Yeah, I'm only a little shocked myself. Never underestimate the power of Minute Maid Pure Squeeze. Especially when it comes to me freely. Especially that.

Enjoy Chapter Twelve.

* * *

Chapter Twelve: Foretold by Stars

Outside, birds were chirping happily underneath a blue, blue sky.

In the kitchen, Lelouch was humming a tune, wearing a frilly pink apron with printed pink hearts on it cooking breakfast. The smell of bacon, eggs, French toast, and miso soup (some habits were hard-broken) flooded the kitchen. It was a big day and the kids would need an extra special breakfast today.

Life was wonderful.

He was happily married to a wonderful spouse.

His house substantially covered a little under half an acre.

His kids were bright, cheerful, and successful.

His luxury car shone so much that he could see his reflection in it.

Yes. Life was wonderful.

The pitter-patter of small feet alerted him to his children waking up to the smell of breakfast. As they ran into the kitchen, Lelouch turned to emb—

_Holy Mother._

"Mommy!"

A miniature Suzaku looked up at him with bright, green eyes, smiling with both arms wrapped around his legs like restraints.

Lelouch was petrified with horror.

"Mom—" Who was _what_ now? "—have you seen my favourite shirt around?" was called out from around the corner of the entryway to the kitchen as a teenaged Suzaku came into view.

His eyes widened.

It was understandable that his body began to tremor slightly.

"I… uh…"

Another two of them came running at him and latched on to each arm, causing Lelouch an understated amount of concern. "Good morning, Mommy!"

Oh God.

Quickly, Lelouch glanced at his left ha—

Yes.

Ring finger.

_Ice._

_Sweet merciful heaven.  
_

"Darling," was called cheerily from around the corner, out of sight.

_Quick, _where was the kitchen knife so he could still his beating heart?

"Have you seen—"

Hell had apparently frozen over.

Or at least was laughing at him.

"—my tie?"

He walked right up to him, buttoning up a blue shirt.

Lelouch took a good look around him.

_Surrounded._

Flanked on every escape.

No-man's land with no hope.

Down the river without a pa—

Suzaku planted his hands on either side of Lelouch on the counter. "And how is my beautiful wife this morning?" he murmured softly, leaning in to—

OH G—

_ "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!_"

Outside, birds were chirping happily underneath a blue, blue sky.

Inside a bedroom on the Kururugi estate, specifically on the floor of this room next to the door, Lelouch was suffering from a mild panic attack, mild arrhythmia, and at least eight kinds of shock and or horror.

And, when he couldn't scream anymore, he just lay there, panting, drenched in sweat, and paralyzed with fear. Taking stock of his surroundings, he was able to calm down slightly.

And then something rattled to his right.

He turned to—

Handcuffs.

Oh.

_ Right._

From the other side of the door—

"Sayoko! Lelouch's finally awake!"

* * *

"You understand?"

He nodded stiffly, "Yes."

Her eyebrows knit together dangerously and she folded her arms.

He winced.

Because, deep down, he knew that, under those porcelain white gloves, she was hiding an iron grip capable of breaking a man in two—in more ways than one (and probably in more pieces than two).

"You're _sure?_"

"Positive."

Walking around him to inspect him from the side, Marianne bent down just slightly so their faces were level and brought a gaze that could cut glass and melt steel inches away from his face.

For lack of a better way to put it, if he hadn't just recently visited the restroom, Mao would've promptly wet himself like a little girl.

_"Positive, huh?_"

"Y-Yes."

She snorted.

He yelped slightly and shook harder.

After an eternity of simply staring him down, Marianne straightened up, sighed, and smiled cheerfully, slapping him on the back heartily and laughing. Laughing. Just _laughing._ The laugh that made you wonder if she was genuinely just happy or amused at imagining all the colourful patterns your insides would make on a canvas as kindle.

It was _not_ a happy laugh.

At all.

"Good! Excellent even! So you won't fail me, will you, Mao dear? Because my darling boy is caught in the clutches of that _demon_ and _clearly_ won't listen to reason. He's been _bewitched!_" she declared dramatically, as the back of her hand flew up to her forehead. Her eyes then narrowed dangerously—and _angrily__—_as she started to wrench her hands together as if strangling someone."That cursed, wretched, _evil_ little _slattern_ of a—"

Marianne continued to rage, and all Mao could think was—

Think happy thoughts.

Think happy thoughts.

—and hope that his happy thoughts of kittens and bunnies would make up for her desire to slaughter such kittens and bunnies if they happened to get in her way of doing things to Suzaku that were too gory to be viewed in a horror movie rated R.

She ended her rant with a forlorn and miserable sigh. "But you're _sure_ you can do it right?"

"Yes!"

"Good. That's good. Because if it _wasn't_ good_ I_ get to test out _Jezebel_ on you."

Mao shivered.

And, after another agonizingly long five seconds of intense piss-your-pants sort of scrutiny—

_ "Now go!_" she barked.

Mao squeaked and ran out of the apartment to the nearest stairwell for dear life, too terrified to even be able to stand taking the elevator. After all, he had thought of escape many, _many_ times and a lot of his fantasies ended up with him under various debris in an elevator shaft after the cables were sawed apart by a cackling demon.

The after-image of his last sight on earth being Marianne cackling her head off at the top and the sound of it echoing down the elevator shaft wasn't very motivating.

On his way out, he passed by Jeremiah, who had stopped mid-stride to look back over his shoulder at the white blur that had just passed him by.

Without a second thought, he walked into the apartment to hear Marianne humming a happy tune.

"Miss Marianne, was that your guest—" Guest being a loose term. "—earlier? He seemed to be in quite the rush to leave."

"Huh? What? Oh, _yes_. He's in a _very_ big hurry. Terribly so."

Jeremiah raised an eyebrow.

"Miss… I also… don't mean to pry, but what are you doing?"

"Sewing, silly," she responded in an unusually chipper tone.

He cleared his throat. "Well, yes… but… _what_ are you sewing?"

Whirling around on her stool at her workbench, Marianne held up her newest creation.

A black straight-jacket with a bow-tie.

"Isn't it obvious? Don't you think my darling Lelouch's groom would look just so _dashing_ in it?"

After many years of working with the woman, Jeremiah knew there were just _some things_ that ought not to be _ever_ asked.

This was one of them.

Clearing his throat distractedly to change the subject, he pulled out the letter from his coat-jacket. "You have a letter from Sir."

* * *

Suffice to say, Lelouch and Suzaku had not seen each other since the handcuffs came off. (Which actually only came off because Lelouch couldn't be bothered with simple things like staying awake due to the night prior (which, conveniently enough, had gotten misconstrued to their instructor), thus burdening Suzaku with the task of carrying him to the next session—a point of information privy forever and only to Suzaku and CC. At least for now.)

The rest of that day's session was spent primarily between the instructor and Suzaku—who had cancelled the remainder of their sessions in favour of earning less looks of not-so-carefully hidden contempt from Lelouch once he woke up screaming for the second time that day.

Roughly a week had passed before Suzaku finally got through to Lelouch. (And this was only primarily because he had maxed out the capacity CC and Lelouch's answering machine could handle.) Well, sort-of Lelouch.

In the end, he had really only ended up talking to CC.

_ "He doesn't want to talk to you right now._"

"What? Why not?"

An indignant huff. "_How should I know? If I could read minds I'd be king of the world already. Or just the king of Pizza Hut._"

Suzaku rubbed his temple. He didn't particularly want to go into how—

"You mean queen."

—too late.

_ "Pardon?_"

"You meant 'queen of the world.' "

_ "No._" Pause. _"__I didn't._"

Suzaku blinked.

_ "Anyway, he doesn't want to talk to you right now._"

Sigh.

"Well, I can arrange to have tomorrow off, will he let me take him out? Dinner? A movie, maybe? Tell you the truth I feel a little bad about that whole… ah… confectionary business."

_ "Confectionary business?_"

"You know… the one with flour."

_"Flour? Goodness! I do not know what you are talking a-bout,_"she intoned like a machine, with every insinuation that she did.

Suzaku sucked in air.

It's a trap!

It's a trap!

"You _know_ what I'm talking about. The oven thing. With the cream. And the pie."

Indignant huff. _"I don't appreciate being called a liar, good sir._"

Suzaku growled in frustration and ran a hand through his hair, tugging on it slightly.

(And if Lelouch were privy to the entire conversation at work instead of half, while he sat on the couch, pretending to read a book, he, most-assuredly, would've laughed in absolute glee.)

(CC was a _special_ sort of person after all.)

_"The baking incident,_" Suzaku grit out, cupping his hand around the receiver.

At least this was one incident you didn't need to ask about.

_ "Ohhhhh~ THAT incident!_" She giggled._ "Well, gosh. Why didn't you say so? Yeah, you should feel bad. Poor Lelouch cried for DAYS about it. Couldn't get over the fact that the love of his life would do something like that to—_"

There was a small shriek and a muffling sound with a thump, as if the phone had been dropped. This was shortly followed by a background yell of _"Well, it's true!_" followed by a softer _"Kind of._"

When the phone was picked up once again, he could hear her stifling her giggles. _"So you want a date so you two can bake and make up?_"

(Another pillow was thrown her way for that one followed by a _"CC!_"_)_

Suzaku sighed audibly.

_ "Ok~ I can arrange that._"

_ "CC! I said no!_"

Suzaku blinked.

"Lelouch?"

_ "Oh, don't worry about him; he's just still SORE about the whole thing. You can stop by to pick him up around noon._"

_ "CC! Stop it! I didn't ag— Here, give me that ph—_"

"Uh… thanks."

_ "Right then. Bye~_"

_ "CC! Give me tha—_"

CLICK.

Suzaku stood there on the other end.

Blinking.

Um.

Well.

Okay.

Let's just go with that.

* * *

"I'm not going," he spat out petulantly as soon as she hung up the phone.

CC sighed. "So childish. Your husband wants to make it up to you!" she mock scolded, "It's your duty as the wife to let him."

Lelouch turned livid. "I'm not—! He isn't—! We aren't—! AGH!" he cried in frustration. "I'M NOT GOING!"

Blatant designation as the 'wife' being completely overlooked.

For the entirety of that one week, Lelouch had, honestly, half-attempted to return Suzaku's numerous to the power of 'x' calls (a large amount of money rode on this relationship after all), but, well, various things kept him from doing so.

_"Aw~_ _Did he make the cream too bland for your fine taste? Did it not work well with the kind of sugar he used?_"

Things like that.

_"CC,_" he warned dangerously.

"It'll be fine. You're worrying too much. Just act shy and flustered and upset—like you usually do—and it'll all be fine."

Cherries had nothing on the colour of Lelouch's face.

"I don't—_You're_ the one who told me to!"

She grinned, flopping down on the couch and snuggling with her new plush toy she forced him to buy for her: Cheese-kun. (Lelouch's pizza nightmares had taken a turn for the worse since he had the pleasure of waking up with that thing staring at him some mornings.)

"And it's working, isn't it?"

"But that's—!" Lelouch started angrily before sighing and calming himself down. "That's beside the point. I don't want to go and you can't make me."

Never mind the fact that Lelouch actually _did_ want to go in order to effectively 'kiss and make up' (sans kissing) without interference from CC.

A lot of money rode on this.

After all.

And money was something Lelouch liked only a _fraction_ more than things like dignity, free will, and pride.

By just a _fraction_.

Half a fraction, really.

CC sighed, sitting up before heading towards the door and rifling through a few shopping bags. From one of them she pulled out a shirt that looked exactly like—

"Hey! That looks like the shirt I lost a while ago!"

Because it met an untimely end as a temporary fire hazard.

She walked over and flipped it around, laying it over him as if to see if it would look good. "Yeah, well. I saw it in the store and thought I could pick it up for you. It was your favourite, right?"

Lelouch looked down at the dress shirt and smiled nostalgically.

CC was the one who bought him that shirt originally.

"Yeah."

"So, will you wear it tomorrow? _Please?_" she asked as her lips slowly turned down to—

Kicked Puppy Look. All rights reserved.

Lelouch grimaced.

Caught you.

Turning away, he sighed, taking the shirt from her grudgingly. _"Fine._"

_

* * *

_

"I swear I don't taste good!" he screamed, running for dear life from the cheesy monstrosity thundering along behind him.

While Lelouch Lamperouge had many aspirations in life (most—but not all—of them involving a large sum of some sort of currency) being eaten by a large cheese-pizza-monster was not one of them.

_"FEED ME!_" boomed behind him and Lelouch urged his legs to run faster.

"I'll give you indigestion!"

_"FEED ME!_"

"I'm nothing but skin and bones!"

_"FRESH MEAT!_"

Lelouch screamed, sitting up, stiff as a board, covered in a thin sheen of sweat and terror. Catching his breath, he held a hand over his pounding heart while his mind was still telling his body that he needed to run as hard and as fast as his stamina and legs could take him before reason and awareness of his surroundings kicked in.

Well damn.

It happened again.

Glancing over at a clock he sighed. Nine AM. Suzaku would come by to pick him up for a didn't-want-to-go-to-even-though-he-sort-of-did date in roughly two hours.

Groaning, Lelouch lay back down and closed his eyes with a sigh. There were still two more hours and he was determined to sleep for every single minute of them. Once he settled back in, the warm body beside him slipped an arm over his torso comfortingly and cuddled closer. Humming in content, Lelouch snuggled ba—

Wait a minute.

While it wasn't uncommon to find another body sharing his bed (and inevitably cuddled warmly against him) from time to time, lately it had been a less frequent occurrence with the arrival of Cheese-kun. It had been a questionable trade-off for Lelouch after he realized where the source of his reinforced nightmares came from.

As such, every nerve in Lelouch's body froze just as his eyes shot open to see—

Lelouch screamed, jumping back far enough to fall out of bed, dragging sheets and blanket back with him.

Still _in_ his bed, _Mao_ yawned and sat up slowly. The blankets fell back to show that he wasn't wearing a shirt. Looking at Lelouch, he tilted his head in confusion as he rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"Is something wrong?"

Lelouch sputtered. "What do you mean 'is something wrong?' Of course something's wrong! YOU'RE _something wrong!_ What are you doing here! In my bed! With no shirt on!"

Mao hummed before lying back down on his stomach and settling himself in once more under the covers. "I'm not just wearing _no shirt_ if that's what you're getting at."

In this moment, Lelouch knew no greater fear.

"You—What—How—Why—"

"That should be obvious. We fell asleep in your bed after sharing a night of hot, pa—"

"NO WE DIDN'T!" Lelouch shrieked; his face turned a beautiful magenta shade.

The door suddenly opened as CC stared at the both of them, standing in the doorway with nothing but her underwear and that large shirt that didn't properly fit either of them. While her mouth had been open to say something, nothing actually came out as she just stood there, agape.

"I was going to ask what the problem was… But, anyway, keep it down if you're going to get all kissy-kissy. Some people in this house are trying to sleep."

Mao saluted her. "Aye, aye, captain! Although I don't know if Lulu can keep his voice down," he suggested with a sly, sideways glance at Lelouch.

Lelouch was mortified.

Much too mortified to say anything in his defence and instead let the crimson hue of his face provide an answer.

In a whirl of green and the slam of a door CC had gone.

Mao yawned again. "She's right, Lulu. Come back to bed and snuggle with me again. I'll let you r—AGH!" he yelped as a pillow met his face.

After gathering himself up, Lelouch swiftly fled for the bathroom to take a quick shower—

"Aww, Lulu! You don't want to take one _together?_"

—very _alone,_ changed, and hurried downstairs to start himself breakfast by way of caffeine and left-over Pizza Hut.

Today, he decided to start his day early.

For once in his life.

After retrieving the paper—which had an English version—Lelouch sat down with it and flipped through various articles, drinking his coffee, until he got to the horoscope page. Normally, Lelouch didn't care about horoscopes and knew a good deal of it was rubbish, but sometimes he liked to humour himself. There was a time where Nunally had a big addiction to the fortune-telling craze after all.

_ Sagittarius:_

_ Bad things will happen to you today, it's best to stay inside._

After taking another long drink of coffee—i.e. the remainder of the cup—Lelouch continued to stare at his horoscope.

Somehow, he felt that this was only the beginning.

* * *

"You know, I think you'd look very pretty in a skirt."

Irritation creased his brow.

Let it slide.

Let it slide.

"Oh, and I know this great place that can do amazing hair extensions. I prefer long hair. It's easier to grab at in—"

_ "Mao!_"

Shrugging, Mao turned away from him and returned his attention back to the melting ice-cream cone.

Since CC was out on another date (they were running low on funds) he was stuck babysitting Mao on his. And while CC was more than happy to have just left Mao at home, Lelouch didn't want to imagine what the boy could or would do when left to his own devices.

And so here he was, waiting for Suzaku, with Mao, at a nearby café.

This way, if Mao were to assault him, at least there would be witnesses to testify the event.

Hopefully Suzaku wouldn't mind.

"So what's so great about Suzaku that you won't look at me? I can make you happy," he said. And if it weren't for the look on his face and the way he said it, Lelouch wouldn't have believed he meant it.

Lelouch frowned.

Well.

If he had to be brutally honest, the only thing that could be considered _great_ about his soon-to-be, fake-real-in-the-legal-sense husband was the seemingly endless amounts of cash flow at his fingertips.

But that was between him, CC, and The Truth.

And so, Lelouch resorted to the two great lessons of his life once again.

(And this, of course, was only because Lelouch was still set in the firm belief that Mao was gay.)

(Which he wasn't.)

"He's… he's nice to me. And he loves me."

Mao gave him an unimpressed look, emphatically stating, _"I_ love you. _And_ I can make you happy. _Especially_ in be—"

"MAO!"

Grin.

"No, tell me what's _really_ so great about him? What does he have that's so special that I don't and possibly—although I doubt it—ever will?"

Money.

And _lots_ of it.

"I… I don't know! There's just… something about him that…"

Mao leaned in closer, attention rapt.

Lelouch desperately scanned his mental database of chick flicks, bringing up any and every possible scene where the main female love interest was asked this question. Once he had remembered (and fabricated) enough information, he clasped his hands together tightly and looked at them (hopefully) wistfully.

"Well… he's understanding… he's sweet. He makes me laugh and… he's got amazing eyes. When I'm with him… it's like… everything else falls apart and it's just us."

The last part wasn't _entirely_ fabricated—simply because when Lelouch _was_ with Suzaku he had to keep his attention up or things like violation here and sexual harassment there may occur—not that paying attention any more or less prevented that from happening anyway.

When Lelouch chanced a look back to see how effective his acting was, he saw Mao stuff the rest of his ice-cream cone down, with a muffled, "You're lying."

Lelouch's ego and those straight A's in drama and acting he received took a lethal blow.

"Give me a chance, Lulu; I'll show you what love is _really_ like. You know, I would've stolen you right off the market if I had ever known."

"Uh… known what?"

Mao grinned, wagging his eyes. "That you swung _my_ way. So, how about it? Will you take me?"

"We can't—_I'm engaged!_"

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, _to another man_ was added on the back of that and another part of him decided that Fiji was better than staying on a sinking ship.

Another grin. "Engaged isn't married. Besides, it's already been over an hour. He can't love you all _that_ much if he's standing you up like this."

Frowning, Lelouch checked a nearby clock—which was actually an odd decoration for a café, but had been put up only six months ago and decorated with flowers around the frame to match the face of the clock. The café was on a busy street and decidedly wanted to send messages to its customers who tended to order a single coffee and occupy a table for hours.

But it was true.

Suzaku _should've_ been here about an hour and twenty minutes ago.

Lelouch sighed.

"And here I thought he had the day off."

"Or maybe he's with a woman."

"Or _maybe_ something came up."

"That he didn't tell you about? Isn't telling you about? _Won't_ tell you about? Like a _woman!_" he concluded cheerfully.

He groaned. "He's a busy man. I'm surprised he can even find time for me—see? Suzaku loves me. If he didn't I'd see him maybe once or twice a month instead of three or four times a week."

And the truth of those statistics Lelouch never wanted to be familiar with ever again once this was all over.

"Lulu…" Mao pleaded, reaching across the table to grasp his hands, giving him th—oh God, who taught him _that _look? "Please? One chance. It's all I ask."

Lelouch fidgeted, wanting to pull away and disinfect his hand by way of scalding water. "I… don't…"

"Fine. If you won't take me, I'll have to steal you away from him."

Lelouch deadpanned. _"What?_"

"I'll make you mine, in the end, just you see."

(And, everything else be damned, Mao would do it too if only for the relief of never having to meet whoever the heck was _Jezebel.)_

(Mental Shiver Goes Here.)

"I'll make you fall in love with me so much that you'll never look at Kururugi ever, ever again!"

Lelouch frowned. "You can't just—"

"Excuse me, are you Lelouch Lamperouge?"

Turning around in his seat, Lelouch blinked. There was an oddly familiar pretty girl standing behind him. She was smiling, friendly, and Lelouch's instincts started to kick in—scanning the expansive register of girls who would most definitely be angry with him.

(Although _angry_ and _angry enough to kill without warning by way of knife in the head_ were relative terms.)

No match.

Safe.

"Yes. Why?"

"I'd like to ask you a few questions if that's alright."

Lelouch blinked. She probably recognized him from some other media coverage—all of Japan probably knew what he looked like by now—

_ Oooh._

Note to self: Add plastic surgery to the list of things To Do once he divorced Suzaku.

"Sure, ask away."

It would probably be questions about his favourites and information like that. Lelouch wasn't too concerned. He had answers to each and every one ready and prepared.

And then he saw—

Camera.

And the camera guy to go with it hiding pretty masterfully behind the woman. Printed in block, white letters was the name of a very popular gossip news station.

Well, it was to be expected.

And Lelouch was fully prepared for something like this. CC had coached him through every conceivable question they might ask him on live television. He even had CC coach him for questions of _sex_ if it ever came up—that they were waiting until they were officially married. There was nothing that could possibly happen for the duration of this impromptu interview that could throw him off-guard.

"Excellent. Now first, I'd like to ask you about—"

"Excuse me, Miss," Mao interrupted, waving at her for attention.

Except this.

"Oh, yes? Are you a friend of Mr Lamperouge's?"

Mao grinned.

Uh oh.

"Oh, Lulu and I are _more_ than just friends."

* * *

"…and if you look over here, you'll see that _this_ design _clearly_ outmatches this other _inferior_ quality one. Why, if you just look at it you can see all the flaws in its design! Look! Right here!" he exclaimed, pointing it out by tapping the pattern with his finger. "This piece should be bigger. Everything will fall apart. This is a very crucial point in the design."

"Pudding, if you were good at what you do you'd _easily_ see I've made adjustments to make up the flaw in _your_ design."

_"What!_" he shrieked indignantly. "How could you—!"

_"That_ area's importance has been reduced. The strain is being taken care of by the surrounding pieces."

"Oh really? And what about _this_ part of your design? Is _that_—" He tapped another spot on the blueprint page once more. "—supposed to improve on _my_ already perfect work? You have to put strain on this area otherwise this part will fall apart!"

Rakshata frowned before her lips turned upwards in a smug smile. "Yes."

Lloyd seethed at her. "You evil, evil—"

"Lloyd! Please! Both of you settle down! Frankly I think both designs are just as good as the other. Output will increase by twenty percent in both cases—and _that's_ all I wanted to hear."

Professor Lloyd's mouth fell open in shock.

Rakshata sucked in smoke from her pipe and blew it out sideways at Lloyd—who frowned.

Once a month, Suzaku was _required_ (and by required he meant _dragged kicking and screaming against his will_) to pay a visit to his research and development teams on the lower floors. And, of course, these visits were usually scheduled at the end of the month—which it just so happened to be. And normally it was no problem to attend them—even if he _technically_ had the day off to get away from the company.

However, today was just not a very good day to have this meeting.

While an ordinary Sakuradite company normally only had _one_ team, Suzaku had the questionable privilege of having _two._ This division of his research capabilities, miraculously, didn't hinder the advancement of the company whatsoever. And this was most likely due to the rivalry between both teams to outdo the other. But while the Sakura Group flourished from this internal competition between the two brightest minds known to Sakuradite power technology, Suzaku's time suffered.

And suffered greatly.

He glanced at his watch.

Lelouch would be, for lack of words he'd rather not have fuelling his imagination right now, very, very unhappy.

"Alright, I've made my—"

"SUZAKU! SUZAKU! SUZAKU!"

Suzaku winced.

He knew that voice.

"Kaguya, I'm bus—"

Turning, he was assaulted by Kaguya—who had latched onto his arm and started tugging him back in the direction she came from.

"You have to come see this!"

"What? Why? What's so—?"

"Important news, Suzaku! Just come!"

"But I can't just—"

Hold on.

Finish a meeting that will indefinitely give him a headache by the end of it or entertain Kaguya for an indefinite period of time and slip away quietly to a hopefully not-so-angry Lelouch?

Well gosh.

"—wait, no, yes, yes I can."

The two scientists behind him voiced their disapproval simultaneously.

"You can't just—"

"I've waited for—"

"Tell Nina to reschedule the meeting for sometime tomorrow if I'm free. You can have me as long as you want then."

Rakshata sighed and Lloyd pouted.

And then he lost sight of them, following blindly after his cousin back to the top floor of the building where his office was.

Kaguya was being mysteriously quiet—with that determined sort-of look on her—oh, he wasn't going to like this, was he?

After sitting him down on the couch in his room, she turned on the television and changed it to the news channel.

Kaguya spun around and folded her arms, staring him down. "There, look."

Some reporter was interviewing some man about—

_"So tell us more about your relationship to Mr Kururugi's fiancé._" The screen panned over to Lelouch, who was sitting, hunched over with his hands covering his face at his mention.

He looked upset.

To understate it.

Suzaku's eyes widened.

_"My relationship with my Lulu goes very far back. Personally I'm hurt that he would leave me so suddenly like he did! We were so in love after all! After all those nights we spent together…! Promises of eternal love and devotion…!_" The man choked back a sob wiping away a tear.

_ "How touching! And what will you do now? Mr Lamperouge is already engaged and it's too late—_"

_ "It's NEVER too late! I'll steal him back with my love for him! I won't let that evil man have MY Lulu without a fight! Our love is DESTINY! Destiny, I tell you!_"

The reporter turned back to the camera and grinned like a hyena in heat_. "There you have it. A love-triangle blooming right before our very eyes! Who will ultimately win Mr Lamperouge's love and affection? The esteemed Suzaku Kururugi, CEO of the Sakura Group, or Mao, the spurned lover who won't give in without a fight? Back to you, Lenard._"

Kaguya turned the television off and folded her arms expectantly at her only cousin.

After a pause of silence, _"Well!_"

Blinking, Suzaku unglued his eyes from the unbelievable sight he was just witness to and shook his head—effectively coming back to reality.

"Well? Well what?"

Huffing in irritation, she marched over and shook him by the shoulders. _"Well what are you going to do about it?_"

For a moment, Suzaku said nothing, letting Kaguya take control and shake him while uttering everything under the sun about fighting to keep Lelouch's love; that his marriage was on the line; that he would never get a catch as good as Lelouch ever again; that the entire world would laugh at him, etcetera.

Honestly, Suzaku couldn't get past the thought rolling through his head that—

"He's… _actually_ _gay?_"

_

* * *

_

Comments:

So anyway, since today, being June 6, is my birthday, I'd like some presents. In the form of poetry. Free verse, haiku-whatever you like. My only condition is that it MUST contain the phrase "Minute Maid Orange Juice." That would make me incredibly happy. If you don't feel very poetic, or know that you aren't very poetic, a suggestion for a drink mix including orange juice would also make me very happy. I will make a list of them and go through them all to my heart's content. I will also accept birthday wishes in the form of something else, but these are just two options for you.

For those of you who are aware of "Liar Liar's" pending to-be-or-not-to-be completed status, I am still thinking about it, but leaning only _slightly_ more towards to be. Time erodes everything away-including fermented feelings of irritation, frustration, and the desire to stab certain people with a/n [INSERT LETHAL OBJECT HERE].

On a last note: If you could have anything in the world you want for _your _birthday, what would it be? "The World" not included. Me? I'd want the Coca Cola company.

Or Anya.

Or Yin.

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.


	13. It's Only Illegal in Some Places

Pre-Comment: So I heard your begging, and I bring you this.

Enjoy Chapter Thirteen desperate readers!

* * *

Chapter Thirteen: It's Only Illegal in Some Places

_"I have an announcement to make. But first, I'd like to thank everyone for their kindness and support for our relationship. You all have been very understanding of us, and both of us appreciate that very much. As many of you know, I am currently engaged to one Lelouch Lamperouge. We both—"_

He paused to allow the applause and cheering die down.

_"We both are very grateful to all of you for all you've done and said for us. However, we feel that it's only right to take things a little slower than they've been going. And so we have decided to delay the wedding that is fast approaching us and have it rescheduled to a later, unspecified, date. That is all."_

There was a moment of sheer silence where even the ever-present clicking of cameras was missing.

And then the media instantly descended upon the stage like sharks, struggling to get closer upon the only source of the newest, juiciest piece of gossip news to hit all of Japan. (At least right now.)

_"Mr Kururugi, does this delay have anything to do with—"_

_ "—your feelings about his previous relationship—"_

_ "—do you intend to do about Mr Lamperouge's—"_

_ "—mean you feel threatened by the presence of—"_

_ "—the end of your relationship with Lelouch Lamp—"_

The announcement was then promptly switched back to the regular programming and the gossip news reporter covering the event as Suzaku gave a final wave and smile at the cameras before disappearing backstage.

_ "There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Suzaku Kururugi, CEO of Sakura Group, and Lelouch Lamperouge: An indefinite delay in the wedding plans. Could this be a sign of trouble in paradise? And does this have anything to do with the announcement made yesterday by Mao, an old flame of Mr Lamperouge's? Our guess is as good as yours. Back to you, Lenard."_

The announcement had made CC pause from enjoying her piping hot, fresh, and fantastically free pepperoni pizza long enough to make the announcement important. After indulging in the rest of her slice and absorbing the following latest story that the gossip news station had to report, CC licked her fingers and hummed thoughtfully.

"Lelouch's not going to like this~"

* * *

After making the broadcast Suzaku returned home—and by home he meant office-home. Somehow, he managed to barricade himself in his room before his cousin could get her hands on him and nag him about what just happened (or cause him physical harm). For the next ten minutes, he had turned on loud music and flat-out ignored her until she unmistakably kicked the door and stormed off.

Clearly, when she said 'do something about it' after showing him the television broadcast, indeterminably postponing the wedding was not what she had in mind.

But inside the admitted teenage douchiness that was Suzaku Kururugi who started the whole thing in the first place, the man he had become had admitted a certain wrong had been committed—and needed fixing. Of at least some kind.

The entire charade was based on the solidifying assumption and (accurate) knowledge that Lelouch was straight. There were any number of arrows pointing to the fact that just washed away all of Suzaku's moral inhibitors. Now that it was undeniably revealed that Lelouch was, and is, of the homosexual orientation (even though he's not), Suzaku wouldn't be able to live with himself if he ruined someone else's life like this. Not that he would've married Lelouch anyway, but saying 'Haha it was all a joke!' when the other person isn't gay either somehow has lesser social and moral ramifications in his mind.

Even so, as Suzaku continued to work and go on with his life as if nothing happened (the every hour on the hour phone calls to Lelouch and hanging up right after 'hello' because his balls failed him every time notwithstanding), he couldn't help but feel the damage had already been done.

Suddenly, his intercom buzzed, _"Sir, there's someone here to see you."_

Suzaku's pulse raced, wondering if it was Lelouch, here to put the nail in the coffin.

Oh God.

He wasn't ready for this. He didn't know how to deal with a crying gay man. (And wasn't sure if he'd come out alive if his mother were to spontaneously show up to—

Happy place, Suzaku, _happy_ place.)

Straightening himself out, Suzaku cleared his throat. "Uh, who is it?"

_"Don't worry, Sir, it's not Mr Lamperouge_," she reassured. And then a moment later, _"Or Miss Marianne. Or Miss Sumeragi."_

Sigh of relief goes here.

Note to self: Nina deserves a raise.

"Uh… then, who is it?"

_ "Miss Ashford is here to see you."_

Well.

It was a touch better than the previous alternatives.

He cleared his throat for the longest time ever before, "Let her in."

Moments later, the doors to his office opened and in walked the bright and sunny Channel Six reporter. She didn't look condescending, or angry, or judgemental, or even anything other than her chipper self—which was reassuring since he had already gotten the rack from various other people for making the announcement and almost nothing Milly Ashford could do to him could make it worse.

The operative word in that sentence being _almost._

"Suzaku!" she greeted energetically, sitting down on top of his desk.

Really.

He had other seats in his office for a reason.

"Milly! Pleasant surprise! What can I do for you?" he asked cordially, plastering his TV smile onto his face.

"Nothing really, just coming in to check up on you."

"Thanks then. Doing great."

"Really? I mean, I'm here for you if you want to talk about it. It's always rough figuring out what to do with ex-boy—"

"I don't—There's nothing to talk about," he corrected quickly.

She gave a disapproving frown. "Suzaku. Lelouch is _really_ upset about this. You need to sort this out and talk with him."

"You talked with him?" Suzaku blurted out. "Is he—How is he taking it?"

"Well, _I_ haven't talked with him. I don't know him all that well, after all. He was _your_ beau. I _did_ however speak with Gino—who spoke with Kallen—who talked to some girl named CC. And I hear he's pretty miserable about it."

Despite the game of telephone, Suzaku had no doubts about the veracity of this information.

He sighed, holding his face in his hands.

Milly looked away. "Suzaku, can I… ask why you did it? Delay the wedding. I mean… you looked so _happy_ to—"

"I'm not gay."

The reporter blinked. "What?" she deadpanned, turning sideways so she could look at him better.

"I did it because I'm not gay. I never was. It was all just a joke."

Milly narrowed her eyes at him darkly with disapproval. "That's a really bad _joke,_ Kururugi."

"I didn't—! Neither was he! Or he wasn't _supposed_ to be! It was just supposed to be a really big prank."

"Whoa, whoa, slow down. What are you talking about? Start from the beginning."

Suzaku let out a long, frustrated breath. "First of all, I am _not_ interested in men. Second, neither is Lelouch. Or at least he's not _supposed_ to be."

Milly's eyebrows knit together in confusion. _"What?"_

"Yeah. I met him at a business mixer a couple months ago—it's a long story. But I figured he was just a gold-digger or something—you know, getting a little big-headed. So I decided to take him for a ride and see how long he could weather the storm."

"I see."

And, truthfully, she could since this was the type of behaviour she had subconsciously installed into each and every Student Council member during their days at Ashford. As a questionably (un)fortunate side-effect of her leadership skills.

Fantastic leadership skills, of course.

What her amazing leadership failed to promote was, however, reasonable (moral) limits.

"Yeah. And now I've found out that he actually _is_ gay—and probably has been this entire time—and I'm not, and here we are about to get married—and his mother will—and I just—I panicked and I just—I had to do something to fix it."

"So you cancelled your wedding… to a man who was supposed to be straight… but isn't, to cut your losses."

"Yes."

"I see."

Silence.

And then—

"You're a real douche, Kururugi," she concluded sweetly, smiling.

Suzaku banged his head on his desk with a loud thump. _"I know."_

"Have you talked to him since the announcement? It's been a couple days now."

"I've tried. But I could never get past 'hello' and now he's stopped answering and CC says he doesn't want to talk to me. It's got to be pretty bad because she's not even making jokes about it."

Milly sighed. "How about I help you patch this out? Since you're so pitiful."

Suzaku raised his head, a red mark staining his forehead. "Really?"

* * *

Lelouch wasn't quite sure how to handle the sudden news (although his first reaction was to chase Mao around the house with various sharp objects intending bodily harm), or how Suzaku would call and then hang up suddenly before any words were spoken. This had been Lelouch's routine, more or less, every day for the past few days. Although he had only entertained Suzaku's case of chicken up until Wednesday before telling CC to just divert all of his calls in whatever way she wanted.

And then there was the issue of their rapidly decreasing money fund because, quite honestly, Japan was getting expensive just to _be_ in, let alone live in. There was also the issue that certain red-haired devils—whoshallremainnameless—ruined the last big cash in at his disposal and Lelouch was quickly getting to the point where he was running on fumes and desperation.

As such, sensing his increasing distress over the situation, CC had taken it upon herself to go out and swindle some poor businessman into very near destitution and was thus gone since Monday. Although he didn't like the idea of CC 'working,' per se, because it was more dangerous for her than it was for him (at least most of the time), there was no a choice in the matter. They needed cash flow, and money from a certain someone's Swiss bank account was not forthcoming any time soon.

That and cheating would look bad.

Time away from Suzaku was giving him the precious opportunity to consider their financial situation, while at the same time causing the media to turn into ugly flesh-eating piranhas. Often, little snippets of their little excursions into the public would often be caught by some errant news reporter or such, confirming that all was well in paradise—misleading photos and conveniently angled shots and such. But with the latest bit of breaking news (for which Mao paid severely for after) and the complete disruption of communication between the two of them, things were getting understandably dicey.

Either way, he could feel this job swiftly running downhill and needed to do something about it.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

After he answered the door.

Spying through the peephole, wary of carnivorous media bottom-feeders, Lelouch instead was surprised to find that blonde, busty friend of Suzaku's he had met several times before. He vaguely remembered her being… nice… if a bit on the crazy, megalomaniacal and slightly perverted side. According to Channel Six and Suzaku, she was _also_ a news reporter, but had graciously decided not to use her long-standing friendship with Suzaku to enrich her career.

For which Lelouch couldn't be sure if he was thankful for.

(Although he should, he really, really well and truly should.)

All the same, he wondered what she was doing here.

And so he opened the door to find out just that.

She smiled. "Hi, Lelouch!"

"Uh… Hi. Miss… Ashford was it? What can I do for you?"

"I'm just wondering if you know what chloroform smells like?"

Lelouch blinked.

Er.

Should he be worried?

"I… uh… no?"

Her face brightened. "Great!" And then she proceeded to dig around her bag to pull out a bottle and a white, non-descript cloth—like the kind in the movies. She opened the bottle, carefully held the rag against the opening, and tilted it slightly.

"What... what are you doing?"

"Oh, not much," she answered cheerfully, going about her work like it was normal to be soaking a rag with chloroform like she intended to use it. "Believe it or not, I've got a license to handle this stuff, so you don't have to worry about cardiac arrest or lung problems," she added conversationally, now putting the bottle away and folding the cloth over into a square.

Lelouch blinked prominently.

He wasn't quite sure what to make of it. But he was _fairly_ certain nobody was quite bold or blatant enough to prepare a rag of chloroform in front of the person they planned to use it on. It went beyond the reasoning of a normal person.

Which was why he wasn't expecting the rag to cover his nose and mouth in a swift (and well-practiced?) motion while the other hand swung around the back of his head to prevent escape.

And before he blacked out, Lelouch made a (rather important) mental note to himself:

_ Milly Ashford is NOT a normal person._

* * *

To say that he was pleased with himself was probably an understatement. In the span of a few days, Mao had successfully thrown a secure relationship between two straight men (no, it still made no sense to him) on the rocks and escaped the wrath of certain individuals who surely intended him fatal, bodily harm.

Marianne had not contacted him about their 'arrangement' any further, and Mao could only assume that was a good thing. A very good thing.

And now, with the security of Lelouch's now-troubled relationship floating over the media waves—if CC's gossip and the news stations were to be believed—Mao decided it might be a good time to clinch the deal and do something only a straight man that feared for his life would ever consider doing to another man.

That is, go for the throat and make him fall in love.

Hopefully CC wouldn't mind.

He was sure that if he explained it nicely enough she would understand. It would probably make her laugh quite a bit and that would be that.

Because, you know, his love for CC was pretty eternal—written in the stars and all that.

And so, as he strode up the walkway to Lelouch and CC's temporary home, past the gate, and knocked on the door, he was somewhat surprised to see someone other than the only two occupants living here open the door with a cheerful—

"Hello!"

Mao blinked.

It was a girl.

And it wasn't CC.

And, the colour wheel be damned, that dress she wore looked horrible with her hair and eyes despite being the right tone. The overall effect had been far too complementary and made her look like Christmas several months too early.

But for some reason, Mao couldn't take his eyes off her.

"Um. Hello."

The girl tilted her head curiously, orange locks sweeping over her shoulder as her green eyes sparkled slightly—in the same way that the heroine's might when she meets the main character for the first time. "Can I help you?" she asked helpfully, in a perfectly tempered service-industry-worker voice that has learned to deal with many, many, many bad customers and endure.

The only difference was that this sounded… scarily genuine.

He blinked.

Can. Help. I. You.

And Mao, because he was suddenly overcome by the urge to woo this mysterious, badly color-coordinated service-industry girl off her feet, said what any charming Casanova on their first impression would say.

"What?"

Except that he was an idiot.

She giggled a bit—at his expense—and he let her. Usually, it drove him insane, but there was something about that giggle of hers that… well… sort of made him think not clear English well very.

Very well.

Not good English very well.

"Can I help you?" she repeated again, for his benefit, in that same, soothing the-customer-is-God voice.

Mao decided he liked that kind of voice.

And for a brief moment he imagined himself sitting at a table in some ritzy restaurant, admiring how perfectly she could read items off a menu to him. Her green eyes were bright and interactive, she was wearing something that didn't clash so horribly with her hair and eyes, and she was just getting to what kind of sides he could have with his pasta when—

"Sir?"

Daydream Bubble Status: Popped.

"What? Oh, right. Um. I'm looking for Lelouch. He _does_ live here right?" he asked cautiously, looking back at the house number for a brief second.

"Yes! He's away on a vacation with Suzaku—his fiancé—and won't be back until the end of next week," she informed him informatively.

A flight attendant, he decided, she could be a flight attendant.

The one who does that ridiculous demonstration about the folding card about emergency procedures that no one ever pays attention to anyway.

"Oh. What about CC?"

"Miss CC is also on a vacation with her boyfriend—who is not Lelouch—and also won't be due to arrive back until the end of next week."

Maybe a nurse.

A _sexy_ nurse.

A _sexy_ nurse not wearing that awful green colour.

Taking his blood pressure.

"I see. Uh... so… who are you?"

"I'm Shirley! I was asked to housesit for them by Milly."

Or a maid.

A French one.

With a feather duster.

Oh! And stockings! Couldn't forget the stockings.

"Are you okay?" she asked, concern tinting that perfect service-industry voice of hers.

A cop maybe—reading him his rights while she cuff—

Oh God, this was getting ridiculous.

"Ah, yes! Sorry, I'm fine."

And then a thought struck him so ingenious that Stephen Hawking would be jealous.

"Are you single?"

* * *

"But they look so cute together! And I thought for _sure_ that—"

"Well, it's true," she cut off tersely, still unhappy about all of it.

And honestly, truth be told, even though she was now _officially_ (in her mind and according to her—Gino's claims of all this being established much earlier notwithstanding) in a _courting relationship_ with Gino Weinberg, a small part of her still kind of wanted Lelouch. He _was_ more or less her first love after all.

Despite, you know, him being a douche and everything.

And possibly gay for real.

And possibly gay for _Suzaku_ for real.

Which was mind-blowing in and of itself.

Even so, Kallen had decided to sit with her unpopular opinion that both of them, Lelouch and Suzaku, were still, invariably, straight. Sure, Suzaku had told her (and apparently Gino too) that he was just there to play around with Lelouch for entertainment, but she couldn't deny how… well… how _happy_ he looked lately. Kallen had seen the infamous fake I'm-only-doing-this-because-a-camera's-on-me smile, and the way he smiled around Lelouch wasn't one of them. It was almost as if he actually _was_ in love with Lelouch.

Now what a backfire _that_ would be.

And then there was the matter of _Lelouch_ being straight—who he may or may not be anymore in light of recent events. Heck, he could've just been bi all this time and was actually interested in Suzaku and not after his money after all. Lelouch could _actually_ be in love with Suzaku for real! He had a heart, right?

…

Ha.

Yeah, okay.

Even the Benefit of the Doubt held no ground there.

"You're _still_ sure that neither of them are gay?"

"Pretty damn sure. Well, I'm sure at least Lelouch isn't. I can't say for Kururugi anymore. He sounded pretty rattled on the phone when I asked him about all that media bullshit a while ago. Sounded pretty bothered about it altogether."

"What about Lelouch?"

She shrugged, going for a magazine in the compartment in front of her. "No idea. I haven't talked to him since our double da—I mean, our dinner _as friends_ a while ago."

Gino just grinned, restrained himself from chuckling at her expense, and leaned over to kiss her on the apple of her cheek, causing a cherry red blush to form which was beautifully complemented by pursed lips. (He had since learned what the boundary between pleasure and pain was with her. It was a very thin line.)

"Anyway, it's nice that you have time off from the company."

"Yeah, the boss seems to want me in Japan a lot more for some reason. He's also pretty keen on keeping tabs about Suzaku and Lelouch's relationship for some reason. Although I don't know why."

"Huh. Which hotel are we staying at anyway?" Kallen asked as the seatbelt sign came on.

Gino grinned. "l'Amour Springs Hotel."

* * *

L'Amour Springs Hotel.

CC pulled down her sunglasses just a touch to look at the hotel in all its glory. It was a building—a palace really—which screamed luxury with its pristine white-washed walls, gold detailing, and cool marble foundations. From the granite to the welcome mat, the place reeked of wealth beyond imagination. The servicemen and bellhops were all dressed in pristine ivory and gold suits to match the décor and she could see a concierge in a white tuxedo giving directions to a young, newlywed-looking couple.

And then she looked down to read the description she read in the magazine on the flight here. Located in the busiest, but arguably most private, part of the island, it boasted the world's finest resort get-away for lovers, couples, and miscellaneous others. (The last part wasn't in the magazine, but she knew it must be true.)

The bellhops had rushed to take care of her luggage upon seeing her step out of the limousine and have it all prepared in the room before she got there. Her temporary beau was already waiting inside for her and she had resigned herself to enjoying this vacation as much as possible and leaving the poor rich boy high and dry by the end of it. Preferably handcuffed to the toilet or something very far away from her.

To be honest, CC had no real intention of working while in Japan, but this opportunity seemed to have just fallen into her lap. She was admiring a painting of his—which had originally caught her interest because of its striking resemblance to a triple crown pizza (abstractly rendered of course)—and he was visiting in with the curator about various sales his work had made.

They struck up a conversation, he hinted at how beautiful she was, and how rich he was, and how it was fate and they should be together, and CC really couldn't refuse. He took her out to dinner that very night and proposed they go on a vacation at one of his hotel resorts the very next day.

CC could scarcely believe her luck.

And so she had ditched Lelouch to work and get pampered all at the same time. Lelouch was always unhappy about the notion of her working, because men were always more cautious about the Scarlet Woman (as opposed to Scarlet Man?) than women, but generally forgot about any qualms when she finished the job in record time with a few thousand or so in the bank.

The best part was that CC, for reasons that will not be discussed here, didn't exist on paper anywhere.

With a sigh and shrug of her shoulders, CC pushed her sunglasses to rest on top of her head and walked past the jet of air-conditioning into the cool lobby.

* * *

Sure, it was a bit risky for her, but it was new, exciting, and exhilarating to be out on her own with a man she had known only for thirty-six hours at most—including flight time. But she couldn't deny the vibe she had gotten from the adorable, clumsy boy who had shown up on the doorstep on her first day of house-sitting. And after their first date, Shirley knew it must be fate that she wind up with this man.

(The history of her thought process passing along this trend for every boy who took interest in her notwithstanding.)

Mao was cute, charming, adorably shy, and he always _listened!_ So well! So very well! He hung onto her every word and could parrot it right back at her without any problems she was sure!

And now, with Nina taking care of things back home, Shirley was on the beautiful Paradise Island—a man-made island resort off the coast of Japan, boasting everything Hawaii, Maui, Honolulu and whatever other tropical resort had and more. It wasn't her first trip away from home or out of the country, but it _was_ her first trip without telling anyone about it!

Her father would be downright angry and that thought made her worried, but was thrilling all at once.

As she chattered away on how happy she was to be here, because she liked to talk and he liked to listen, Shirley just couldn't see how this wasn't a match made in heaven. Most of the boys she met found her too talkative and were always thinking of ways to creatively make her shut up without hurting her feelings (she wasn't stupid).

They walked in past the cool jet of air and right up to the counter where one of the many receptionists at a long white marble counter greeted them pleasantly.

"Welcome to l'Amour Springs Hotel, how may I be of service?"

* * *

Lelouch woke up with a headache.

He lifted his head experimentally, wincing his eyes shut at the throbbing sensation in his temple, and fell back down on something soft and fluffy. Upon cracking an eye open to inspect his surroundings, he saw that he was on a bed, in a room not his own and groaned.

As he lay there, feeling like his head was stuffed with cotton and ready to explode, he slowly became aware of various things. He was aware of the slight salty breeze floating in through the open window, the ivory curtains hanging around that window, how soft the pillow beneath his head was, how the blanket covering him was light, comfortable, and smelled of something vaguely familiar, and how nice the silk beneath his skin felt.

Wait.

That didn't sound right.

Lelouch's eyes snapped open and he laid there, stock still, taking in his surroundings which suspiciously looked like a hotel room. And then he noticed that the blanket covering him wasn't a blanket at all but a suit jacket.

And that suit jacket was probably covering him because he was practically naked, stripped down to nothing but his underwear.

"Lelouch! You're awake!"

He froze.

Sweet.

Merciful.

Heaven.

He knew that voice.

But! Maybe it wasn't! It could've been a dream! It could've been all some chloroform-induced (now that he thought about it) dream! All of this could be some effect of being downright kidnapped from his home with something he was pretty sure was illegal in at least six countries. It might not actually be as bad as he was making it out to be! Su—that person—could be a in the shape of a green, gigantic dollar sign and they would then declare their undying love for each other.

Lelouch raised his head and looked—

Brown curls, worried green eyes.

_Damn._

—and then laid his head back down on the soft pillow, wondering if it would hurt to bite his tongue.

Suzaku sat down next to him, causing an understandable amount of concern for Lelouch—considering he was practically naked. "Now, I know what you're thinking, but I just want you to know that none of this was my fault, and that nothing happened—" Except for the fact that he had _obviously_ been kidnapped. And stripped. "—so you have nothing to worry about."

There was a moment of silence between them.

Suzaku pursed his lips nervously.

Lelouch just stared at him with an unreadable expression.

And it wasn't so much the fact that he was practically naked in front of Suzaku (this had happened before and was no less mortifying than the last time) with only a suit-jacket (that was probably Suzaku's) to defend his modesty, or the fact that he had _obviously_ been kidnapped far, far away.

It was the fact that he was all of the above and _handcuffed_ to the bed with a _red ribbon wrapped around him_ was on that bothered him.

Which prompted him to do the only thing he knew how to do in this situation.

* * *

CC raised her head, suddenly jerking it away as if she had heard something.

That sounded like—

A hand was placed over her wrist and squeezed lightly. "Something wrong?"

Relaxing, she turned to her companion and smiled reassuringly.

It couldn't be.

She was worried and her head was making things up.

Covering his hand with her other one, she shook her head. "No, everything's alright, Clovis."

* * *

Note: Okay, because I think, after thirteen chapters, you all deserve at least one after all the ones I've pestered you with, are there any questions you have for me? Gosh. That was hard to do. It's like asking for spam to arrive in my mailbox. Leave it in a review or PM it to me, and let me know if you want it featured somewhere (when I figure out where that will be). If you don't hear a response from me, it's either because you have PM turned off or I didn't think you were seriously asking me a question.

And, yes, I would marry Minute Maid if it were legal to do so. And, no, I don't know when the next installment will come out. Possibly when I have time and remember to work on it.

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.


	14. Burning Bridges And Everything Else

Pre-Comment: I know _exactly_ what you're thinking. Know what I'm thinking? SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!*

Chapter Fourteen! ENJOY IT!

* * *

Chapter Fourteen: Burning Bridges. And Everything Else.

Passion Island was renowned for being the most luxurious of luxurious getaways. It had something for everyone, although couples in particular benefited the most from its exclusive comforts designed for two as the name suggests. The esteemed reputation for being the number one lover's getaway guaranteed the resort business year-round.

And right now, Lelouch was quickly learning how plain _awesome_ it might've been to get kidnapped _here_—compared to the usual places you might expect to find yourself in after being kidnapped. (You know, dungeons guarded by dragons, basements, towers in a forest, a boat in the middle of the ocean—places like that.) After a relaxing swim by the sunny, sandy beach, Lelouch had enjoyed a solitary lunch on Suzaku's tab with cocktails.

Considering how Suzaku was MIA, Lelouch had guessed it wasn't by Suzaku's design that he had gotten kidnapped here. He had also surmised that Suzaku probably wasn't here very willingly either.

Although he suspected Suzaku's unwillingness didn't involve _chloroform._

After the theatrics of waking up practically naked in unfamiliar surroundings, Suzaku hadn't continued to sexually harass him—as Lelouch fully expected him to—and unlocked the cuffs before hastily vacating the premises. It was so shocking that Lelouch actually forgot about finishing his distress call and getting changed into clothes from the fully-stocked dresser of entirely new outfits.

And then came the heaven-sent phone call informing him of all the benefits he would be enjoying on this one-week stay at the resort.

For free.

FREE.

Unmistakeable bubbles of happiness exploded in his chest, exciting all sorts of impulse buying tendencies. And without Suzaku around to molest him or anything like that, Lelouch could enjoy all the pleasures of luxury in peace. Alone.

At least for now.

ooo

After enjoying herself thoroughly at the buffet by stuffing her face with _forty-two_ kinds of pizza (Clovis thought he might be sick, but kindly said nothing because he was a gentleman), CC pampered herself more by enjoying a day at the spa before deciding to finish her afternoon off with a leisurely swim. Clovis had work today, so she was left alone and was determined to enjoy it. On his dime, of course.

She took a graceful dive into the pool, enjoying a swim down the lane to the other side, basking in the subtle warmth of the sun coming in through the glass roof and walls. It was times like these that CC forgot about everything in this world and just enjoyed life for all that it was. No need to keep up appearances. No need to swindle for a living. No need to worry about who the next meal ticket would come from. No need to be concerned with Lelouch. No more having to—

"CC! _Heeeey!"_

Moment shattered.

There was the rush of water and then arms that encircled her waist from behind, pulling her tightly against a flat chest. Survival instincts kicked in and she elbowed the guy in the gut hard, using the moment to get away enough to deliver a kick to his stomach and propel herself away in the water. Turning around she readied herself for a… oh.

It was just Mao.

Wait.

_Mao?_

"Mao? What are you doing here?"

Mao struggled in the water a moment, temporarily dazed from the sudden assault to his stomach. He coughed and spit up water.

"I'm here—" cough, cough, "—with someone—" hack, cough, "—special!" he croaked excitedly—totally not holding that miniature assault against her.

She looked around warily as if Lelouch would magically appear—considering the news report. Mao had naturally explained all of that business to her without delay, so she wouldn't 'get the wrong idea.' Marianne. Knives. Wooing away. Life at stake. Lelouch. Something about rainbows and unicorns. Means nothing. Jezebel.

CC didn't care much.

She blinked pointedly. "With… Lelouch?"

The boy turned sheet white, as if remembering something horrible.

(Probably the unicorns.)

And then he laughed loudly and nervously, turning scarlet. "Ah. Uh. No. Not him. It's a girl."

She just shrugged. "I don't know. Your announcement on air was _pretty convincing~"_

"Th-That was—I already explained that! I mean, ah, just… don't… um… tell _Her._ Please?"

Aww. He really was adorable sometimes.

CC just smiled, patting him on the head. Teasing Lelouch about sexual orientation was beyond amusing, but people like Mao were just no fun and always made her feel bad when she did.

But only a little.

And really only sometimes.

"Yes, yes, I understand. So, who's this someone special?"

"Well—"

And then something pulled him under water with a splash, the last of his air bubbling towards the surface. The next thing to emerge was orange-coloured. Water dripped off it in rivulets down and around the swimming goggles on her face before they were tugged away to fall just above an ample rack.

"Hello! I'm Shirley! I'm here with Mao!"

Oh.

CC glanced down at Mao, for whom air was no longer bubbling to the surface, and then back at this girl and smiled sweetly, tilting her head. "CC. Let's be good friends."

ooo

"…him wake up _naked_ in bed at the hotel room was _not_ what I expected by you helping me _patch this out!"_ Suzaku hissed into the phone.

_ "Oh, Suzaku, don't you believe in fate? This was MEANT to happen! You two are absolutely PERFECT for each other! Whether you're straight or gay or he's actually a girl—it'll all work out!"_

Suzaku slapped a palm to his forehead, wiping it down his face. "Milly Ashford, I thought I explained clearly to you that I wanted your help with getting myself _out_ of this predicament, not _deeper into it._ And as for him being a girl: He's not, so that's that."

_ "Oh, but I'm sure he'd be willing to dress up for you. I mean, if those pictures Sayoko showed me are—"_

"What? Pictures? What pictures? Sayoko showed you _what_ pictures!?"

_ "Ummmmnothing."_

"You just said that you saw pictures!"

_ "Pictures? What pictures?" _she parroted, feigning innocence_. "I never mentioned anything about pictures!"_

"Milly Ashford…"

She giggled. _"Lighten up, Suzaku!"_ she chided, clearly dodging the topic._ "I said I would help you and I am. Just relax and enjoy yourself. That's all I ask. If things still look like they're going to blow up after this, I'll talk to your lover and handle all the dirty work for you. Fair?"_

Suzaku contemplated that. While better judgement told him that he should probably break the egg on Lelouch's face himself, being able to avoid it altogether was _so_ much more appealing. And, for all that she was, there were times that Milly _could_ be reliable, and this _could_ be one of those times.

_Please_ let this be one of those times.

_Please, please, please_ let this be one of those times.

He nodded in agreement. "Alright, fair. But you _better_ hold to it, Ashford!"

_ "An Ashford always keeps his or her promise! Nowgomakebabieswithyourboytoybye!"_

CLICK.

Suzaku blinked.

_ "The number you are calling cannot be completed as dialled. Please try again later, check your directory, or dial zero for assistance. Thank you, from—"_

After finally hanging up, Suzaku sighed.

Here he was, stranded on an island with nothing but the receptionist desk phone to connect him to anybody. And, above all that, he was here with his fake-actually-gay-but-not-faking-the-gay-part-fian cé boyfriend whom he wished to depart from—because Suzaku was straight and his long-lost sense of morality was eating away at him for stringing Lelouch along like he had been doing all this time.

And when he thought about it, all the times he harassed Lelouch and groped him unnecessarily, the reaction he got from doing so was undeniably from a straight man that this whole 'real ex-boyfriend' situation made his mind boggle.

But when he thought about it more, it could've been that Lelouch was just really shy about being intimate. Which, of course, made all that sexual harassment he put Lelouch through _just_ that much worse in the grand scheme of things.

"Ah… Mr Kururugi?"

Suzaku looked up at the receptionist, smiling kindly at him. "I thought you might like to know that your fiancé is enjoying our pool facilities right now if you were interested in joining him."

"Ah, thank you. Which way is it?"

"Through the east wing and down the stairs," she informed him easily.

Suzaku thanked her and followed her directions.

He decided that, maybe he should just be a man about all this and break Lelouch's heart like the douchebag he was. At least this way the guilt wouldn't be legally binding.

But instead of doing it straight up, he decided to do it right. He would treat Lelouch special—give him everything he ever wanted for this week and hope that they survive as friends on the other side. As improbable as that was, with the way things were going, Suzaku liked to be optimistic.

Yes.

He would show Lelouch a week he would never forget.

ooo

This would be a week Lelouch would never forget.

It would be, after all, his last. _All_ the signs pointed to it. What with the way Suzaku was treating him, like a piece of meat that would later be devoured on a platter that would be licked clean, it would be sheer miracle if he survived alive. Forget honeymoon, _this week_ was the moment to fear.

Think about it. Everything seemed to be set up just a little too well. The kidnapping. The ribbon. The _handcuffs_ (which Lelouch tossed as far into the ocean as he could (i.e.: four-and-a-half metres)). The remote island. This nice behaviour. The free luxuries. This was all a part of Suzaku's sinister plot to finally do something evil and heinous to him. And it was all so sudden and awkward too—what with the delaying of the wedding without Lelouch's input.

Oh God.

He knew, didn't he? Suzaku _knew_ what Lelouch was up to. He just _knew_ Lelouch was a con-artist—that this was all just a game to get the biggest cash-out ever and retire in anonymous luxury. Suzaku _knew_ and he had prepared everything to do something about it. No one would ever know or suspect a thing.

And suddenly, the prospect of having his chastity stolen (almost) paled in comparison to living at the bottom of the ocean with his feet in a block of cement.

_Sweet Heaven._

_ What if he decided to do both?_

Lelouch trembled slightly.

"I think it's pretty warm, but are you cold? Should I grab a coat for you?" Suzaku asked, concern creasing his brow. "Don't want you getting sick."

_Calm down nerves,_ Lelouch ordered. Suzaku wouldn't dare do something in front of all these bystanders who are of sane mind, hopefully haven't been bribed into silence, and wouldn't poison his food 'accidentally,' right?

_ RIGHT?_

"Oh! No! I'm fine! Perfectly fine."

Suzaku frowned, not convinced. "Is it the food? Not to your liking? You've barely eaten anything. I could call someone over and—"

"No, no. The food is great."

And not poisoned.

And not poisoned.

And not poisoned.

_Please_ don't be poisoned.

"Then what is it? Are you not feeling well?"

"No, it's nothing. Sorry. I'm fine." Because the food is _not_ poisoned. "Just a little… nervous, I guess."

Suzaku gave a strained sort-of smile. "Yeah, I can imagine the feeling. It'll be the first night we'll be together after all."

Notwithstanding the handcuffs night barred only by the—

STOP.

WAIT.

WHAT.

WHAT.

WHAT!?

The feelings that were suddenly taking over Lelouch's system hit him like a freight train. And in the wreckage, the only thing emerging victoriously was—

"First night together?"

Suzaku's cheeks burned uncharacteristically and he looked away. "Uh. Yeah. I mean, not including the night with the—"

Right, enough of listening to the words of _violence_ and _mal-intent_ coming out of this sexually-deviant _psychopath's_ voice box. Lelouch needed a solid plan to survive the night. He desperately wished he hadn't thrown the handcuffs as far as he could (i.e.: four-and-a-half metres) into the ocean. In the event he acquired a pack of sedatives capable of knocking an elephant unconscious, he could handcuff Suzaku to something and make a clean get away. Perhaps commandeer a boat somewhere. Row himself all the way to—

A hand touched his and Lelouch jumped in his seat.

Suzaku pulled his hand away immediately, faking a sheepish smile to hide his lecherous and murderous intent. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, but you were spacing a bit."

And it was here that Lelouch mentally slapped himself. Freaking out about impending doom was not the answer to all his fears (despite how easy it was). He needed a calm head, good reasoning, and a plan of action.

But for now, play along.

"Sorry, I'm just tired. Waking up somewhere strange—" naked, wrapped in a ribbon, and handcuffed to a bed, "—is a little taxing."

Suzaku gave him another sheepish look. "Yeah, about that. Sorry. It's kind of my fault."

Lelouch managed to smile back, hoping it didn't look forced, although the twitch to the eye might've given him away. "It's a nice surprise vacation; don't worry too much about it. I'm a little glad to be away from it all."

Suzaku hummed in agreement. "Yeah, it's definitely nice."

"The company will be okay?"

"Nina can handle it," Suzaku said dismissively with a shrug.

ooo

"I am _telling_ you that the flux capacitator cannot _handle_ that kind of load you insane woman!"

Nina winced, clutching the clipboard to her chest tighter.

The busty blonde scoffed, puffing on her pipe and blowing a cloud of smoke into the other man's face. "And I am telling _you_ that calling a _piston_ a flux capacitator does _not_ change what it actually is. Furthermore, for what is required it is adequate. If we just make it out of aluminium instead of—"

Lloyd burst into loud, obnoxious laughing. "Aluminium? Are you _mad?_ That will make the tensile strength drop even _lower!_ It will never work!"

"Please, if you could both—"

"If we use your _inferior_ schematics, probably not! But in _my_ blueprints it's taken care of by the—"

"HA!" Lloyd's eyes widened, his pupils dilated, and he grinned like an insane psychopath, looking his co-worker dead in the eye. "Don't make me laugh," he said darkly.

Green eyes narrowed venomously. Folding her arms underneath her ample bust, Rakshata advanced a step towards him, undaunted by the obvious crazy in his eye.

Lloyd held his ground, looking like a psychopath on a hair trigger.

There was a tense moment where they both glared heatedly at each other. Not completely sure of what to do, Nina glanced between one and the other. Kururugi had always somehow managed to deal with them efficiently and effectively (even if it was mandatory and only once a month), and it was just about the only thing she admired him for. It had been the sole reason the R&D affairs had never been delegated to her. But now that he wasn't here…

The sound of a tray settling down caught all of their attention and all three pairs of eyes turned to see Cecile humming away while unloading the tray full of snacks and tea onto the nearby table. When she was done, she smiled at them all sweetly.

"If you both don't calm down and enjoy the snacks I've prepared I can't say what will happen to you."

Both scientists backed down and sat down at the table obediently without a single complaint. Cecile poured them both a cup of tea and they began to eat the sandwiches, pointedly looking away from the other. Like children.

"Miss Einstein, I'll make sure everything gets sorted out and have a report on Mr Kururugi's desk by tomorrow for you."

Nina could only nod and leave, wondering what the heck she had just witnessed.

It was a good thing Cecile had no ambitions to, say, take over the company.

That wouldn't end well for anyone.

ooo

Suzaku thought the day had been going well so far. Lunch had been somewhat awkward, but still relatively enjoyable nonetheless. He could tell Lelouch was a little nervous, so he insisted they spend the rest of the day at the nearby coastal town that was just a short ferry over. As they wandered rather aimlessly around the downtown tourist trap, Suzaku kept up easy, light conversation with Lelouch, and slowly, but surely, Lelouch began to relax a bit more. Soon enough the atmosphere had become so comfortable that conversation came easy, talking about everyday things and everyday topics. There were no awkward moments and Suzaku refrained from sexually harassing Lelouch.

Yes, really.

"But this other time was a _total_ accident. It was a windy day and her skirt just flew up in front of me. What was I supposed to do? Close my eyes?"

Lelouch frowned at him. "Of course! Didn't all those other times teach you that she has fists made of solid steel?"

Suzaku frowned, protesting, _"I was five!_ Repercussions are the last things a _five-year-old boy_ thinks about." Jabbing him with an elbow, Suzaku smirked. "Come on; don't tell me you haven't done some crazy things as a kid in school with your friends."

Looking away from him, Lelouch cleared his throat. "I… had a private tutor, so I didn't have friends in school," he said factually.

The first thing that came to mind was: Well, that explains _a lot._

And then the less douche-baggy side of him started to feel bad for asking, even though he had no way of knowing. And then he felt even worse for not really knowing what to say. Despite losing his parents young, Suzaku always had friends and he couldn't imagine life without them.

As _troublesome_ as _some_ of them were.

(On the other side of the world, Milly sneezed.)

Before the silence got awkward, Lelouch turned to give him a disapproving look. "But even if I did, I wouldn't be flipping skirts of the girl I like!"

Blinking, Suzaku didn't know what to say until he noticed the slight smirk tugging at the corner of Lelouch's lips and laughed. "Yeah, you were probably the type to get your skirt flipped."

Lelouch's cheeks coloured.

"Shut up!"

"I know first-hand just how good you look in a _skirt,_ after all."

The colour spread to his face.

_"Shut up!"_

"I bet you turned quite a few heads."

Lelouch pursed his lips and glared intensely at him.

Suzaku laughed into a closed fist, turning away from Lelouch, who growled lowly in disapproval. When he finally calmed down he sighed. "Sorry! I'm sorry. Here, how about I buy you whatever you want as an apology?"

Huffing, Lelouch folded his arms and marched right into the nearest store to act upon the offer immediately. A chime sounded when the doors opened and Suzaku followed him in, breathing deeply to control his laughter.

They had walked into what looked like a fancy toy store, with china dolls, detailed teddy bears, and elaborate stuffed animals which only had one copy. Locked display cases lined the walls, filled with dozens of uniquely-styled teddy bears and stuffed animals. The large, round table in the centre depicted the scene of Goldilocks and the Three Bears when she gets caught; the china doll's face was frozen in surprise. An ancient-looking grandfather clock sat behind the counter, keeping time. A polished staircase led up to a second floor.

Lelouch's eyes lit up immediately, roving over the extravagant displays. All the irritation left his face and he just marvelled at the fine detailing of all the merchandise. Suzaku couldn't blame him; everything looked hand-crafted and no two toys looked the same.

He whistled, looking around the store himself, though much less enraptured than Lelouch, who had picked up one of the teddy bears that looked like it actually might be for sale. Putting the bear down, Lelouch ventured further into the store. Suzaku was about to follow him when he noticed a blonde woman coming down the stairs, dressed in a Victorian dress. Her long hair was wrapped in pink ribbons and she engaged Suzaku with a polite smile.

"Hello and welcome! We sell unique, hand-made toys here. Are you looking for anything specific?"

Smiling sheepishly, Suzaku glanced over at Lelouch quickly before looking back at the woman. "Kind of. An apology gift. For him," Suzaku clarified, nodding over at Lelouch, who was admiring a doll behind glass. "Because my mouth doesn't know when to shut up."

The woman chuckled. "I have just the thing, Mr Kururugi," she said, quickly moving to one of the displays and unlocking a cabinet using a large ring of antique keys.

"How do you—"

"I may dress old, but I watch the gossip news channel just as much as anyone else," she said, pulling out a teddy bear wearing a blue dress tied with a yellow ribbon, wearing a matching hat. "I'd be more surprised if there was someone who _didn't_ recognize you. Blue, for wisdom to not screw up again," she said, indicating the dress. "Yellow, for continued happiness." She turned the bear around and tugged at the silk bow.

Suzaku took the bear when she handed it to him and looked at all the detailing of the dress and the bear. Lace, beads, and stitching all worked together. Just holding the teddy bear in his hands told Suzaku that this was made with love and care.

"It's perfect. I'll take it."

The woman smiled. "Wonderful."

Suzaku found Lelouch in the back of the store and snuck up on him. Holding the bear in front of his face he tapped him on the shoulder to gain his attention. When Lelouch turned around—

"Suzaku Kururugi is a big-mouthed jerk who doesn't know any better!" he said in a high falsetto. "He wants to tell you that he's super-duper sorry and will never do it again! Probably."

For a moment, Lelouch just stood there, staring almost incredulously at the bear before his lips broke into a smile, raising a single eyebrow. "Oh really?"

"Really, really," Suzaku said normally, lowering the bear from his face and offering it to Lelouch.

Lelouch just laughed taking the bear from Suzaku and turning it over in his hands, caressing the silk of the dress, and fingering the hat. "My mother has a dress just like this. It was so poofy I fell asleep on it so many times when she'd read to me." He looked up. "Thank you."

Suzaku just grinned before looking up innocently at the ceiling. "So is he forgiven?" he asked in a falsetto again.

Choking back a laugh, Lelouch sighed in defeat. "I _guess_ he is. It _is_ the first _gift_ he's ever bought me."

The grin grew wider.

When they left the shop, Suzaku gave the store owner a thumbs up of success behind Lelouch's back. The woman winked conspiratorially at him and bowed her head slightly.

For the rest of the afternoon, the atmosphere was light and enjoyable. They ate crepes, they watched street shows, and Suzaku ended up buying Lelouch more stuff (inevitably carrying it all). All in all, it had been fun, and Suzaku was surprised at just _how much_ fun he was having. Running a company didn't afford him a lot of time to just have fun, and high school seemed like such a far-off memory.

Suzaku couldn't help but feel like a good person every time he saw how carefully Lelouch carried the teddy bear—holding it in his arms the whole time. And he felt even better when he saw how much Lelouch was enjoying himself too.

But by the time they were back on the ferry, headed back for the hotel, Suzaku started to remember why he was doing all this in the first place. It was when he was alone, staring at the sun sinking into the sea, while Lelouch was in the bathroom, that a sort of depression fell over him. He had really enjoyed spending time with Lelouch this afternoon. In fact, when he forgot about the crazy relationship they were supposed to be in, he really enjoyed spending time with Lelouch—like a best friend he never had before.

And that was why Suzaku found himself depressed. Because no matter how much he would've liked to, a nagging feeling told him that being able to stay friends with Lelouch wouldn't be possible in any way whatsoever once this was all over.

Breaking a heart was one thing, but explaining that it was all a lie from the very beginning is something entirely different.

In fact, if he thought about it, wasn't being nice like this even worse? Like building Lelouch a sandcastle before stomping all over it? There were songs that warned about this.

Oh God.

_ What have I done,_ he thought in horror.

Before Suzaku could delve into the misery of that train of thought, a hand gently fell upon his shoulder. He turned to see Lelouch's concerned face and forced himself to relax, realizing he had wrung a hand in his hair and let go.

"Something wrong?"

Suzaku looked at the teddy bear in Lelouch's arms, and then back up at Lelouch's concerned face. He could feel the fruits of his own douchebaggery stab him in the conscience with a sharp knife. Unable to meet those worried, violet eyes, Suzaku quickly looked back out at the warm glowing sunset again and sighed.

"No, nothing's wrong."

Looking a bit lost, Lelouch just seemed to nod and accept that, following Suzaku's gaze to watch the glow of the sunset for a moment as silence fell between them. When another touch fell on his shoulder, Suzaku closed his eyes, unable to meet Lelouch's—not when he knew what was going to happen in a couple days.

A gentle kiss was placed on the very edge of his shoulder, right by the hand resting on his shoulder blade. Suzaku turned to see Lelouch pursing his lips, blushing hard, and looking anywhere but at him.

"I… I had a lot of fun today. And… uh… you're always telling me…

Suzaku's eyes widened slightly.

"…and I realized I never told you even once…"

Uh oh.

"…and we're going to be married one day…"

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh God.

"…and I…

Don't.

"…um…"

_ Don't._

"Well…"

_ Don't._

Lelouch bit his lip.

For the love of all that is, _please_ d—

"I love you, too," Lelouch whispered shyly, closing his eyes and hiding his face behind the teddy bear. No doubt his face was making the sunset glow downright envious.

Guilt of a thousand suns exploded in Suzaku's chest in a fiery tornado of pain and suffering all at once and he felt physically crippled by it. Lelouch loved him and he was just an ass who didn't feel the same despite saying so dozens of times before.

The weight of all those times were crushed in an instant by Lelouch's one.

Simply because Lelouch _meant_ it.

Not knowing entirely what to do, Suzaku feigned shyness himself and buried his face in his arms, already hating himself for what he was about to say.

"Me too, Lelouch."

ooo

Kallen hissed in pain, causing Gino to look up at her with furrowed brows.

"What's wrong?"

She looked at the small cut on her hand and immediately started sucking on it as a small pinprick of blood appeared. "Nothing. I just… Something happened."

Gino blinked. "Something?"

"Happened," Kallen finished.

And immediately Kallen frowned, because Stupid Couple Behaviour Number 53 just occurred: Finishing each other's sentences.

Upon crossing the small space of their kitchen, Gino carefully grabbed her wrist to inspect the already healing wound. Kallen flushed. Their original room had no kitchen, but Kallen made them switch after Gino had teased her about how she probably couldn't cook—as per her personality.

Challenge accep—

But Gino was right. She couldn't cook.

Thankfully, after the first burned disaster, rather than kicking her wounded pride, Gino just smiled and ate the charred ashes she made and appreciated it. Like a man. With a stomach of steel.

Plus ten Kallen points.

Even so, both of them made the unspoken agreement that Gino would cook from now on while Kallen 'helped.'

"What's this something?" he asked curiously.

Kallen managed to snatch her hand away from his grip and turned back to her chopping to hide her colouring face. "I just… I don't know how to explain it. Something just… sort of…" she shrugged, "happened."

"Something happened, huh? Well, I hope that something doesn't come between us. It took me forever to convince boss man to let me have this time off. He's suddenly been very interested in dealing with Japan—or rather specifically, the Sakura Group's super-popular couple."

"You told me earlier. Any idea why?"

Gino shrugged. "No idea. Just last week he asked me directly about all the media rumours flying around about Suzaku."

"And Lelouch," Kallen just had to add.

"Yeah. But I don't really follow all of that media hype. It's not really any of my business and I think everyone should mind their own. If Suzaku and Lelouch are in love with each other, how is that anybody's business?"

Kallen frowned. And, sure, even though she had Gino now, it still sort of bothered her to think about it. Stupid boy. "But neither of them are _actually_ gay—and definitely not for each other. The only thing I think Lelouch actually loves is money—" which is actually a bulls-eye assumption.

_And maybe CC,_ she didn't add—considering she had never seen him without.

"Yeah, but you said it yourself that Suzaku looks happy, right?"

"Yeah… but…"

"Then whether they actually love each other or not, we can still wish for their happiness. It's the best we can hope for, for them."

Kallen frowned for a moment and before looking up at Gino's bright, cheerful grin. She flushed and looked away immediately, embarrassed by how easily he was able to diffuse her worries like they didn't even matter.

"I guess," she agreed uneasily.

Gino kissed the side of her head, taking her hand in his and pulled it up to his mouth, sucking on the small cut that had started bleeding a bit again.

He winked.

The colour of her face matched her hair in less than three, and complemented the hand-shaped print on Gino's face beautifully as she stormed out of the kitchen, followed by Gino's laughter.

ooo

The reality of the situation never hit him harder than it did in _this very moment._ Any number of reasons could've been responsible for Lelouch forgetting about such an important, crucial, yourlifewillbeoverifyouforgetthismoment moment, but none of those reasons would save his chastity now.

And that thought made him shake like a leaf.

In a hurricane.

Of fire.

And evil.

_Definitely evil_ if the singularity of the bed had anything to say about it.

Instinctively, Lelouch shrunk himself behind the teddy bear. Tearing his eyes away from the king-sized bed littered with fresh rose petals (courtesy of hotel staff on Milly Ashford's recommendation—no, it's okay, you can thank her later), he cast a furtive glance at Suzaku. And was shocked. Because, well, the boy looked shocked.

Suzaku's eyes were empty wells fixated on the sight of the bed. A hand covered his mouth and chin partially. Pursed lips peeked through his fingers and his jaw was squared. His other hand was in his pocket. His shoulders were stiff. He didn't move. Frozen.

This was a first.

Lelouch wasn't sure if it was safe to break this trance Suzaku had entered. He had never seen him so… so contemplative. And… terrified?

Well, now he was just confused.

"Um…" Lelouch ventured quietly.

Like Zeus had struck him with divine retribution, Suzaku jerked his head in Lelouch's direction. His eyes grew wide—wider than Lelouch had ever seen them. And then he quickly turned away, glancing at the door.

"I think I'm going to go clear my head for a bit. You can go ahead and sleep without me," he said quickly before making quick tracks for the door.

Lelouch just watched him go until he heard the door click shut softly.

Um.

Not to look a gift horse in the mouth…

…but what just happened?

ooo

Once he stopped shaking, got through a fit of hyperventilation, running his hands through his hair, and taking deep breaths, Suzaku found himself sitting at the bar of the hotel. Staring into his half-filled glass of untouched vodka, he thought of nothing. And everything. And Lelouch. And the teddy bear. And his company. And Maria—

_Oh God._ How could he just forget _Marianne?_

Suzaku ran another hand through his hair, letting out a long breath. He couldn't remember a single moment of his life where he regretted anything as deeply as this. The look on Lelouch's face had been—it was—he didn't—

He let out another sigh and rest his head in the palm of his hands, fingers digging into his scalp. The whole situation was madness. Why did he think that digging this grave deeper was a good way out? If anything, Lelouch would be _even more_ upset in the wake of the eventual break up. Suzaku knew he'd want to kill himself if he made Lelouch cry. He distinctly remembered the last time it happened.

His stomach churned.

All at once he emptied the glass of vodka.

It was refilled in the next instant without his request and he glanced up at the bartender, who nodded over at the person sitting at the end of the bar. It was a blonde man who raised his glass to him in acknowledgement with a slight nod.

Suzaku whipped his head away. And then the unspeakable happened when he saw the man get up to sit next to him out of the corner of his eye. He cursed softly. Couldn't he wallow in misery on his own?

"You look like the world has crapped upon your shoulders," the man observed.

"I'm straight," Suzaku said flatly.

The man gave him a confused look and then—

Understanding.

"Good heavens, I didn't mean it like that! I am _more_ than just partial to the female species. I have Venus up in my room as proof. I just thought you might need someone to talk to—and who better than an objective stranger?"

Suzaku just stared at him for a moment before downing his glass of alcohol before asking for another of whiskey. And then he started from the beginning. He told the guy everything. With the exception of a few incriminating details, Suzkau held nothing back. From the first date, to meeting his mother, and proposing, Suzaku unloaded everything.

The man was a good, attentive listener, simply nodding along. And by the time it was over, he looked contemplative, absorbing it all in before downing the drink in his hand.

"You _are_ a pretty terrible person."

Suzaku sighed, slumping his shoulders.

"But I have just the solution."

He perked up.

"Now, here's what you do. First you need to—"

"Darling, aren't you coming to sleep yet?"

Suzaku's blood froze. The Worst Feeling of All Time hit him. He recognized that voice.

He turned his head slightly, and in one of the only slow-motion moments in his life, his eyes first met with her rack as she just passed by him. And then they instantly flitted up to meet amber eyes and a smile spawned from the depths of Hell, made from the souls of babes, and as wide as the River Hades.

A million expressions in at least twenty-two languages would've been sufficient to describe what Suzaku felt right now, and none of them were decent enough to be repeated here. So the alternative was this:

#&*^!#$%) %*!)(#%&!) ()!( #*$%!& *#!& (#!* &%(!* #&!( *%&!( %*&!( #*!& (#!%!( *#&%!( %*!& %(!* #!& #!(%*&(!#*#$&!(*& #$!( #*! &#! #(! *%& !(#*$&! #(!*%&!#(%*!& #(*! &$(!*%&! ($&! (#$&! (#*&! (%&! (%*!& #!*%&^%( *#&$!)$)&! #!* &$(*!&%(+! _$! _$(!+$*!_%&!) (42.

The man's eyes lit up and he grinned, reaching for one of her hands as she slid her arm around his shoulders and leaned into him lightly. When she kissed the side of his head, her eyes were fixed only on Suzaku and were full of Pure Unadulterated Evil™.

"Suzaku, meet CC."

* * *

Comments:

I BET YOU THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN.

I know, it's been a long while, how have you been? I missed you too. I promise to maybe almost try harder to be kinda slightly better about updating things. So anyway. If you could rename "Liar Liar," what would you name it as? The ones to come up with something _awesome_ just might receive something _awesome_ in return. Like: The ability to bully me into writing a short ONESHOT of ANYTHING (ratedTorunder) related to anything I've written or the fandom in general. I know, it's not actually all that awesome; my skills as an F-rate writer are all but gun-to-the-head inducing, but it's all I can afford.

Dear Potential Winner: Please have some sort of contact method turned on.

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens.

*I'm kidding! I wouldn't do that to you! At least I think I'm kidding. You should really hope for both of us that I'm kidding. I am _so_ mean to you guys, aren't I?


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